Be My Valentine Chapter 7

Chapter 7

I can't keep on doing this.

I can't keep on living like this.

I know whom I love.

I know whom I want.

I am just lying to myself and playing stupid.

And I have been doing that for years.

Why? Because I'm too afraid that he won't want me or love me back. And I can't blame him, really. Let's be honest. Let's be realistic. Why will someone like him want to be with someone like me? I am Stephanie Plum, the Queen of Denial. I am Trenton's very own bounty hunter from HELL. I never put bullets in my gun. I never check if my stun gun is fully charged. I blow up cars and houses like no one else. I more than often rely on my backups to do my job and keep me alive. I don't cook. I don't clean. I can't even afford a decent car. I never think of getting myself some training. I can't get myself out of an unhealthy relationship. I always crawl back to Joe Morelli, the man I have known all my life but not sure if I've ever loved. Always. And I don't even know why.

Is it out of habit?

Is it out of stupidity?

Is it because of lack of courage?

Is it because I'm lazy?

Or is it just because he's white, Italian, familiar and...white?

Stephanie Plum holds her head in both hands and asks herself. The table clock her aunt sent her as wedding present keeps on ticking. Rex keeps on running and his hamster wheel keeps on squeaking. And all Stephanie can hear is her own breathing. All of a sudden she's so tired. Tired of herself. Tired of her lies. Tired of her excuses. Tired of breathing. Tired of living. Tired of her very own stupidity.

So why will Ranger want to have a relationship with me?

Why will a man like Ranger want a woman like me?

How can Ranger love me the way I want him to love me?

He's not insane.

He's not stupid.

He's Batman.

He's the Man of Mystery.

He's the proud owner of a successful security company.

And I am Stephanie Plum. The Bounty Hunter from Hell. I don't like guns. I have no bullets. I have a pet hamster who bites me whenever I try to pat him. I have killed several men who wanted to kill me. I am still in a relationship with the hairy man who broke into my home, cuffed me naked to my own shower curtain rod, and trashed whatever I had. And he's coming over tonight with pizza and beer. And he expects me to let him fuck me as if I am a bitch.

Stephanie Plum closes her eyes and thinks of her fucked-up sorry excuse of a life for a long, long minute. Then she stands up from her couch, goes into he tiny kitchen and grabs Rex's brand new cage—the cage Ranger bought for her blood-thirsty hamster, and gets out of her small shabby apartment. She can't keep on doing this. She can't keep on living like this. She knows whom she always loves. She knows whom she always wants. And she can't keep on lying to herself.

She has had enough.