Be My Valentine Chapter 3

Stephanie Plum unlocks the door, takes a look at her messy apartment and sighs. What has she done to deserve this crazy and fucked-up life?  She has no goals, no motivation, no ambition, no money, no car of her own, no dreams, no whatever. She knows she's not happy with herself, but she tries hard not to think too much of that. She just wants to drift through a day and then another. She just wants to catch enough skips, pay her rent, and keep a blind eye on all the problems and issues she has to face one day. And yes, BTW, she loves and sleeps with two men. 

She drops a couple grapes into her pet hamster's cage. Yes, a cage, a brand new cage. The old glass aquarium fell to the kitchen floor and cracked last weekend.  Luckily Rex wasn't hurt. Luckily Ranger was here to help her save Rex. Luckily Ranger spent the night here in her bed that night. Yay. Stephanie grabs a beer from the fridge and sits on her battered couch.  It wasn't her fault, really. It's flat-out impossible to say NO! to Ranger. Besides, she loves to have him in her bed. Her narrow queen size bed. His hard, perfect, muscular body pressed to hers. Their legs entwined. Their arms around each other. His smooth skin. His soft warm lips. His silky hair. His dark brown eyes... 

And Joe has just called her and said, "Bob misses you, Cupcake." half an hour ago. Which means he will come over tonight(with a large pizza and a six-pack of beer, of course) for some hot steaming wild animal sex.
     

She gulps down the beer and closes her eyes, suddenly feeling sick and tired. No. She's not a whore. No. She's not a slut. She's pretty sure of that. She just can't decide what she really wants and whom she truly loves. She's not sure if she wants to get married and have kids with Morelli. She's not sure if she wants to have a serious relationship with Ranger, the Man of Mystery. She knows she always wants and loves Ranger. But right now she's not even sure if she really loves Joe. 

Sometimes she can't help thinking he's too hairy(she's never a big fan of apes and monkeys, sorry). Sometimes she can't help worrying that their kids will end up like him(luring little girls into Joe's dark garage, talking them out of their panties ten years later and writing about it on public bathroom walls? Geez!!!) What's the point keeping their unhealthy on-and-off relationship alive when both of them are unable to commit? It's just that everyone—her childhood friends, her neighbors, her relatives—seems to want them to be together:

Joe is your first in just about everything, Stephanie. You are no longer pure. You are already ruined. You may as well brace yourself and marry him. He's familiar. He's white. He's Italian. He's a changed man now. He's a living part of your history. He already has a house and a dog. He's in need of a wife and several kids. What are you waiting for, Lucky Girl? You are not young any more, don't you know? The ClOCK won't stop ticking.

People's eyes silently say. People's smile politely implies. And all these pressure and stress and expectation are giving her a headache and killing her.  Stephanie blows out a sigh and covers her eyes. 

How she wishes she has an answer for her messed-up life.