Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Frozen

Warning: Controversial and most probably unpleasant theme. 
Harmful for the Cupcakes. 
Stephanie Plum made a decision and stopped being the Queen of Denial after a big mistake, and tried to put her life back together.  
Theme Song : Frozen by Madonna.

Title: Frozen
Category: Books » Janet Evanovich
Author: Cut Myself Shaving
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Drama/General
Published: 09-25-12, Updated: 12-07-12
Chapters: 21, Words: 14,710
Chapter 1: Frozen
Frozen
"You sure you really want to do this?"
Stephanie nodded. The care and concern in Lula's voice warmed her heart. She was glad she had Lula as a friend. She could use some moral support now. She had finally made up her mind last night. It was for the best. For once she was going to hold her own fate in her hands and control her life. She was an adult, no longer a child. She had to take responsibility for her choices and mistakes. Maybe someday she would have remorse and regrets. But she had to concentrate on "now". She had a life to live, a job to do, and a dream to fulfill. She couldn't afford to take a wrong step here. The price would be too high.
"Oh, Stephanie." Lula hugged her tightly and tried not to cry. "I hate it when life is such a nasty bitch."
Stephanie closed her eyes and gently patted her friend on the back. She was not surprised that her tears didn't come. For the first time in a long, long while, she felt strangely calm and certain of herself. So this is what it feels like being a mature grown-up. Stephanie smiled and thought to herself as Lula wiped away her tears. Soon the nurse came out and beckoned at her. She stood up, took a deep breath and let go of Lula's hand. She followed the nurse into the room. She could feel Lula's teary eyes on her back. But she didn't slow down or turn around.

1.5 hours later Stephanie was home alone lying in her bed. They had stopped at a McDonald's on the drive back. She could smell the cheeseburger and fries. But she still had no appetite. She felt no pain or discomfort. And she felt no guilt. What had to be done was done. She would worry about the consequence when she was in the mood or had the time. She placed a hand on her stomach and let out a sigh. She didn't know why, but she was somewhat happy and relieved that she wouldn't give birth to Joe Morelli's child.
Chapter 2: Broken
Broken
Stephanie was pro-life. Stephanie was pro-choice. It all depended on the circumstances, according to her opinion. No one had the right to take away a child's life. No one had the right to force a woman to sacrifice her life. Sometimes when she heard a little child's laughter and saw the child's cute little face, she would sense the familiar longing deep down within. She would long to hold her baby close to her heart. She would long to smile up at the man who sired her child. She would long to feel the pride and joy of being a newbie mom. But she also wanted to be free. She didn't want to be tied up and caged. She wanted to be herself. She wanted to live her own life. She didn't think she would ever be ready to make such a sacred and scary commitment. She wouldn't be able to handle all the responsibilities and obligations. She would only stress out or freak out, she was certain of that. And she really, really didn't want to become a Morelli woman.
She didn't want to stay home taking care of her husband while socializing with all the neighbors and be nice to countless in-laws. She didn't want to always walk with her chin up and smile her courteous yet distant smile at everyone else. She didn't want to learn to cook pasta, spaghetti, risotto, lasagna and meat loaf. She didn't want to go to church. She didn't want to become a member of PTA. She didn't want to spend her life running around after giggling, screaming children. She didn't want to be a housewife. She didn't want to be a stay-home mom. She didn't want to live off her husband. She didn't want to quit her job. She didn't want to work part-time at a bakery or the button factory when her kids became older. She didn't wan to do the laundry and dishes. She didn't want to become like Joe's mother, aunts, sister, cousins and Grandma Bella. She didn't want to become like her own mother, aunts, sister, cousins and Grandma. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life trapped inside the tiny cozy lovely two-story house Joe's aunt left him.
Stephanie sat up and started eating in silence. She needed to get her strength back. She had made a huge mistake that night. She had thought it would be alright. She had thought a little fun wouldn't hurt anyone. She had ended up killing her own child. She wished she could go back in time and smack herself upside the back of her head. "Stop being a freaking idiot!" She wanted to yell at her stupid self. She finished her cold cheeseburger and soggy French fries. Still she hadn't shed a tear for her dead child.
Or for herself.
Chapter 3: Shattered
Shattered
Once upon a time Stephanie had wanted to have children. With Dickie, her rat bastard of a first husband. Once upon a time she had thought the two of them would live happily together for the rest of their lives. Maybe she would quit her job and become a full-time mom, just like her mother and perfect elder sister. She could clean. She could cook. She could make her husband a most happy man. Or maybe she would keep working as a lingerie buyer. They could hire a nanny and a housekeeper. Money would not be a problem, she had figured. Everyone had promised her that Dickie would have successful and prospering career. They would live in a high-end apartment or a mansion. They would have fancy cars, adorable pets, beautiful children and rich, elegant friends. Then all of a sudden her fancy dream shattered. She no longer had a husband. She no longer wanted children. She had lost the ability to trust and to make commitment, Stephanie believed, as well as her last shred of purity and innocence. And somewhere deep down within she was still hurting. She had been cheated. She had been betrayed. She had truly loved Dickie and he'd loved her back. But now where had the love gone? Why couldn't it last? Why did it have to die?
Stephanie got out of bed, quietly put the unpleasant thoughts and questions behind her and quickly got dressed. It was too early to turn on her phone. She padded into her tiny kitchen and carefully kept her eyes aways from the angry flashing red light on her answering machine. She was too hungry and too tired to deal with the outside world. She took a box of leftover pizza and macaroni & cheese from the refrigerator. Her eyes fell on the empty spot on the kitchen counter. Rex had been gone for 2 weeks now. But still she missed her little not exactly friendly pet hamster. The silence inside her apartment was so deafening that she wanted to cry. Or yell.

Would she make the same decision had the child been Ranger's? Stephanie took a bite of her brunch and asked herself. Would she want to keep the child? Would he want her to keep the child? Would they have their someday? Would their child look like Julie? Would he want her to have an abortion? Would she end up like Rachel: A steady stream of child support was all she could ever get. She wouldn't be able to keep his ring. She wouldn't be able to have his love. She wouldn't have an answer when her child ask her about Ranger...
Stop.
Wistful thinking. Stupid meaningless questions. Sternly Stephanie shook her head and berated herself. A total waste of energy and time. She hadn't seen Ranger or heard from him for a while. It'd always been one of the RangeMan crew who called whenever something happened to her car. It'd always been one of the RangeMan crew that arrived on the scene to check on her and deliver a new car. And she simply hadn't had the courage to go to Ranger's door and knock. Something had changed between them, she was sure of that. And she'd always known that she was not the woman he really needed or wanted.

She kept on chewing the pizza crust. No, she was not going to get another pet. She could hardly take care of herself. Once Rex had almost been killed by a bunch of manics because of her job, and there had been nothing she could do but cry her heart out. The sooner she got used to loneliness the better, she decided. It wouldn't be fair if another innocent life got hurt because of her.
She'd done enough harm.
Chapter 4: Silence
Silence
Stephanie put a smile on her face and walked in the bonds office. She didn't know if the dull ache she'd been feeling was because of her body or her guilt. But she did know she needed to work. She had rent to pay and food to buy, and staying in her bed all day hadn't really improved her mood. Connie looked up from the desk, smiled, and handed her several files. Everybody thought she'd caught a cold. Only Lula knew the truth. And Stephanie'd like to keep it that way. There were more and more things she didn't want to share with her family and friends. They just wouldn't understand. They always doubted and questioned her choices and decisions. And she was too tired to explain. Maybe one day she would end up like her mother and sister. Maybe one day she would end up all alone. A part of her still wanted a happy, normal life. A part of her wanted to stop caring and let go.
Great. Stephanie flipped through the files and almost laughed. She was getting more and more like her father. Keep your focus on your food. Pretend you can't see, can't hear, can't speak or feel. As long as you have your pot roast and mashed potatoes, nothing ever matters. Nothing. Maybe her father was actually a very wise man. Stephanie helped herself to a doughnut and a slice of pizza while Connie and Lula decided to share the last piece of fried chicken. She hadn't returned Joe's calls. Dealing with her mother's endless worries had exhausted all her energy. And she was not in the position to grant Joe what he wanted. Pizza, ball game, and a six pack. A night of some not so funny dirty jokes and marathon sex. Nothing more. Nothing new. Always the same. He indeed was handsome and good in bed. But maybe now was time to finally get bored.
It was no one's fault, really. She was just not family material. She was just never into children. Though she always wanted to live up to her mother's expectation. Though she always wanted to be better than her sister. Now she finally realized something was just impossible. There was no need to try. Stephanie ate another slice of the warm greasy pizza. She was glad to have her appetite back. And she no longer had that anguish nightmare. She wiped her fingers clean with a napkin. She tried not to think of the void, the emptiness within her being. It was her life. It was her choice. It was time to accept the truth and pay the price. Maybe one day she would have another child. Maybe one day she would find the meaning and purpose of her life. Until then, she would have to team up with Lula and go after whatever FTAs Vinnie threw her way. Her cell phone suddenly rang. From the ring tone she knew it was Joe. She turned off her phone and dropped it back into her bag. Connie raised her brows. Lula wolfed down another doughnut.
And Stephanie just shrugged.
Chapter 5: Pain
Pain
Stephanie and Lula ran after the skip. Several people on the street stopped and stared. The pale middle-aged man was bald and clearly overweight but he sure could run. Further and further his short hairy legs carried him away, and he kept on screaming like a frightened, hysterical girl. Soon Stephanie had to slow down and finally stop. She bent over and panted while like a persistent cheetah or a pissed-off rhino Lula roared and charged. The man turned his head to look out of curiosity and fear. He stumbled, and fell. Lula landed on top of him in a blink of an eye and let out a cheerful, triumphant war cry. Stephanie smiled and staggered forward as she tried to catch her breath. She was simply grateful that this time there was no dumpsters or blown-up cars involved. She would treat Lula to a nice dinner tonight, she decided.
Lula had once told Connie and Stephanie that she'd thought about having a child, but her encounter with Benito Ramirez had rendered it an almost impossible task. So she had given up. Lula had casually said with a shrug. She could always try adoption if she settled down, got married and really wanted a child. But Stephanie couldn't forget the slight trace of longing and well-hidden disappointment in her friend's honey brown eyes. And she'd dragged Lula through the whole ordeal.
"You okay?" Lula frowned a little and asked.
"No!" The man half choked, half squeaked before Stephanie could say yeah.
"Jeez. Stop whining, will you?" Lula stood up and smoothed her skirt and hair after Stephanie cuffed the man. "None of this would've happened if you'd shown up in court on time."
"It wasn't my fault." The FTA protested weakly and suddenly started to weep like a helpless child. "My wife...my wife took off with my best friend. And she...she texted me that she wanted a divorce."
So they stopped on the way to TPD and bought Jerry Newman—the 45-years-old white male who had been arrested for DUI—ice cream, coffee, and a couple doughnuts to calm him down. They felt so sorry for him. Stephanie walked him into the police station while Lula waited in the RangeMan SUV. Stephanie exchanged greetings and jokes with the uniformed officers. She assured Jerry that Vinnie would arrive shortly to bail him out again. She got her receipt from the front desk officer. She accepted a free doughnut and bade everyone goodbye. Both she and Lula exhaled a sigh of relief when she stepped out of the front door of TPD and got in the car.
Thank God Morelli was not around.
Chapter 6: Coldness
Coldness
She was born a cupcake.
Plain vanilla base. Gooey chocolate buttercream. And colored sprinkles. She was first confined within the baking mould and then the stiff decorative wrapper. She was light and fluffy, sweet and airy, just like all the other cupcakes on the racks. They all looked different but tasted almost the same. But she and felt empty inside. One by one they got picked up and devoured. None of them struggled or made a sound. They just silently disappeared without a trace. She sat there and quietly waited. For her turn. For her fate. For her end. Suddenly she felt the grasp of a hand. She tried to squeal but found that she didn't have a voice. The huge gaping mouth drew near. The sharp teeth bit down, cracked her skull and snapped her spine—
Stephanie woke up abruptly. She was alone in her narrow bed, her heart thumping in her chest. She was bathed in cold sweat. Her bedroom is dark and cold, and she could almost taste the pain. She sat up, and finally got out of bed. She needed a cup of hot chocolate to calm her nerves. She leaned against her kitchen counter, nibbled at a cookie and sipped her chocolate. Her apartment seemed too big now that Rex was gone. Together she and Lula brought in all her skips. And her RangeMan car remained intact and unscratched. Somehow her mother was getting a little upset that she was driving one of Ranger's car. It seemed that all of a sudden it wasn't right to borrow a man's car when you were involved with someone else. Joe called, and called again. She couldn't ignore him for too much longer. They would have to talk. But about what? Should she tell him that she saw no bright future ahead? Or that she'd had an abortion and killed their child?
Stephanie softly laughed. Her voice sounded strange to her own ears. She was still not sure if she could handle Joe's trademark yelling and arms flailing routine right now. She was still feeling a little fragile and weak. And she had this unreasonable fear that she would start bleeding any time. She would probably go berserk should Joe look at her with his melted chocolate bedroom eyes and whisper huskily in her ear, "The boys miss you, Cupcake". Besides, she missed Ranger.
She knew she shouldn't pile her problems on Ranger's shoulders. But she'd love to have someone to lean on. Three times he had taken bullets for her or because of her. Once he had killed for her. And he'd always been there whenever she was in need of help. She longed to hear his voice. She longed to see his face. She longed to feel his warmth. But she couldn't bring herself to call him. He was a successful busy man. He had a company to run and a life to live. And she had caused him more than enough trouble over the years. Even Batman needed a break sometimes. And Ranger was just human. He could be harmed. He could be hurt. He could be killed. This time she had to deal with her life's problems on her own.
She washed her mug, brushed her teeth, went to sit on the couch and turned on the DVD. NO, she was not going to watch Ghostbusters again. Somehow she had grown tired of that in the previous month. She watched The Rock's Faster instead. She liked The Rock. He might not be Al Pacino or Robert De Niro, but there was something about him that reminded of Ranger and his Merry Men. And she loved his tattoo.
Stephanie sat in front of the TV till dawn. Some of her elderly neighbors woke up and started moving around. She stood up, stretched and yawned. She would have the talk with Joe tomorrow, she decided. The lock on her door clicked open and the security chain caught the moment she turned off the light and headed toward her bedroom.
"Cupcake? Steph?" Joe's voice sounded a little impatient and uncertain. "Come on, I know you are awake."
She closed her eyes and let out a sigh. How she wished she could run down the fire escape, drive all the way to RangeMan and hide in Ranger's bed with his blanket over her head. But she knew she had to do this on her own. She really had no other choice. "Just a minute." She finally called out, went back to her room and changed. She then pulled her hair into a ponytail and grabbed her shoulder bag. What had to be done must be done. But she would need the help a box of doughnuts and a pot of freshly brewed coffee. She opened the door and gave a small smile to her on-and-off boyfriend.
And it never hurt to have witnesses.
Chapter 7: Truth
Truth
The coffee and doughnut place was located on a narrow busy street and opened at 4 a.m.. Stephanie paid for her own breakfast and chose a corner window table. The coffee was good and strong, and the apple cinnamon doughnut was worth to die for. The curvy 30-something waitress smiled at Joe a little too long. Stephanie rolled her eyes as Joe sat down in front of her with a smug. He surely was a very good-looking and attractive man. Not many people could resist his charm. Maybe that was the reason why Stephanie had followed him into his father's garage when she was 6, and then yielded herself to him 10 years later on a hard bare floor. Women around the world were helplessly attracted to bad boys. Even though they realized how deceiving physical beauty could be. She drank her coffee, put down the mug, and squared her shoulders.
"Cupcake—" Morelli reached out for her hand and raised his brows as Stephanie drew her hand away.
"Joe," She looked him in the eyes and calmly said. "I need to have my keys back."
He frowned in confusion, his mouth slightly open. She took a quick, deep breath and tried her best not to turn her eyes away. She knew him too well. She had to finish before his shock morphed into anger. "We don't have the same goals. We don't want the same things. I don't love you enough to change for you. And I can't be the mother of your kid. I won't be able to make that much sacrifice." She swallowed and softly added. "I don't want to. I just can't."
Around them people chatted and laughed quietly. The sweet scent of good coffee and fresh doughnuts lingered in the air. Stephanie fished Morelli's keys out of her bag and gently placed them on the table. The lines around his mouth hardened. She didn't know what else to say. She'd seen the slight disgust in his eyes when she'd headed toward the shining black RangeMan SUV in her parking lot. She was really not sure if her decision had anything to do with her feelings for Ranger. But she hoped Joe wouldn't get Ranger into this mess.
"You are not thinking straight." The flatness and blankness in Morelli's voice startled her. He locked his eyes on his keys and didn't bother to look at her. "You have no idea what you need. You have no idea what you want. You want this; you want that. You want to break up; You want to get back together. And you change your mind all the time." He fell silent for a long moment and then stood up. His eyes narrowed. His teeth clenched. He headed toward the door and said over his shoulder. His untouched coffee, doughnuts, and keys remained on the table. "I've got to go to work. We'll talk when you're sober."
"Joe, I mean it. It's over. We are over." Stephanie's clear but shaky voice cut through the noise and everyone and everything stopped. But she paid the gaping faces and stunned silence no heed. "I need my keys back. Please." Joe Morelli froze. Disbelief and frustration radiated off his lean muscled frame. Slowly he turned around to look at her. Suddenly she felt so tired. Maybe she didn't really need her keys. Maybe she could simply change her locks. Maybe she was being selfish. Maybe she really loved him. But apparently she didn't love him enough to feel the need commit herself. To his family. To his life style. To his dreams and wants and needs. To him. And now, right at this moment, somehow she knew Joe could see the truth clearly through her eyes.
They were not meant to be together.
She was deeply in love with someone else, even though that someone else might not want or need or love her.
It was over between them. All over.
Chapter 8: Sadness
Sadness
The table was now bathed in sunlight. Stephanie felt the warmth and heard the car horns from outside. It was just another ordinary day in everybody else's life. She had just made a critical life-changing decision and backed Joe into a corner. And she felt bad for it. she saw his irritation. She sensed his frustration. He was like a volcano waiting to erupt, but he didn't want to make a scene. Not in front of so many prying eyes and eager ears. He had learned his lessons over the years. He hadn't had a happy childhood. He always said he'd love to have children and become a good, caring father. He would be there for them no matter what, once he'd told her, and he wanted their first child to be a daughter: a blue-eyed curly-haired little angel. But they both knew that sometimes words were just words. And he'd never actually gone down on one knee and proposed to her. Maybe Joe did love her, but deep down within he still longed for someone who was sweet, cooperating, and willing to stay home and make their children her career. And now she knew she could never be that someone.
But what a price she had paid. Stephanie looked straight into Morelli's eyes and suddenly felt old and sad. He would never know about their unborn child. He would never be able to hold the child in his arms while it—he-she—grasped his finger. She knew how much he hated being fooled. She'd never meant to hurt him. But she could never tell him the truth. "I'm sorry, Joe. I'm really, really sorry. But this is not going to work." Stephanie finally said. And I have killed our kid to free myself.
Joe Morelli stood there staring at Stephanie, his handsome face dark with suppressed anger. He so wanted to march toward Stephanie, grab her shoulders, and bruise her lips with a long, passionate, punishing kiss. He so wanted to turn around, walk away, and kick Stephanie out of his life. He was so mad that he wanted to laugh. Somehow Stephanie had managed to hurt his pride. She hadn't even said she wanted them to stay friends. She hadn't even said he would always have a special place in her heart. She hadn't even said a part of her would always love him. She just wanted to have her keys back. She just wanted him out of her life. As if the fact that he was her first didn't count. As if what they had between them was nothing and meaningless. A part of him hated her for being so calm. A part of him loved her for being so cold. A part of him just wanted to get the Hell out of here and pray it was all a dream. All of a sudden he had no idea if he truly loved Stephanie. He knew for a fact that he wanted her in his bed. But he was no longer certain of his feelings for her. Love? Lust? Want? Desire? Carelessness? Or loneliness? Was it worth so much effort? Was she worth so much trouble? Was he willing to pay the price? Was he ready to take her rejection as an answer? What should he do when she came crawling back to him next week?
He could hear the whispering around him. He could feel the curious stare on his back. He could see the distance in Stephanie's tired blue eyes. "Fine, Cupcake. Suit yourself." He made his decision and spit out the words. He walked back to the table and dropped her keys. He cast a disgusted look at his keys and turned around to leave. He had a briefing this morning. He'd hoped he could join Stephanie in her bed or shower and have a quickie. He'd just found another gray hair when shaving yesterday. Yeah, the clock was ticking. And when Stephanie let herself in his place the next time, he would put an end to to this nonsense and lay down the rules. It was time to make the necessary changes.
Stephanie rested her head in her hand and tried not to sigh. The 30-something waitress came over with a slightly awkward smile and refilled her mug as the other customers resumed their conversations and looked away. Stephanie reached for Morelli's untouched chocolate and raspberry doughnuts and took a bite. No, she would not cry. The weather was beautiful, the already cold doughnuts were delicious, and her baby was dead. She was shaken up a little but still alive. She would get a box—no, 2 boxes of doughnuts and coffee for Lula and Connie and see if she had any new skips. Life had to go on no matter what. And she would find another way to return Joe's keys.
Chapter 9: Breath
Breath
Stephanie got in her RangeMan SUV and started the engine. She would head to the bonds office, drop off the coffee and the doughnuts, and then go home for a nap. Breaking up with Joe had been as exhausting and draining as expected. After gazing out of the window thinking nothing for more than an hour, she didn't have enough energy left for small talk and gossip. She was a little bit surprised that her mother hadn't called yet, but she knew it was just a matter of time. Of course her mother would be upset. But what needed to be done had to be done. And it was her life, after all. Now she was just grateful Joe hadn't lost his temper and started the yelling match in front of the gawking crowd. And maybe she could stop at the carwash on the way home. She wanted to keep this car as clean and sleek as the rest of Ranger's vehicles. That was the least she could do to pay back his generosity.
Stephanie let out a sigh. She had been trying not to think of Ranger. But now she suddenly thought of the night she'd used the GPS on Ranger's truck to track back to the RangeMan building. She'd felt more than a little disappointed(and maybe a little hurt) when she'd found that Connie had known about it all along. But who was she to complain, really? It was not like she and Ranger had been in a relationship. He didn't do relationship. He didn't do stupid things. She was lucky to have him as a friend. But deep down within she knew she wanted more from him. Yeah, talk about being wistful and unrealistic. She laughed at herself and shook her head. It was a good thing that she knew her own limitations. At the end of the day she would want a wedding ring and a couple kids. She would want to be the heroine who tamed the lone wolf and made him hers. She would want much, much more than Ranger could ever give. And she would force his hand and make him leave her eventually.
She parked the car outside the bonds office and undid her seat belt. The empty feeling in her belly was still there but not as strong. She knew she was healing. She pushed opened the door and smiled at her two friends. Lula saw the bags in her hands, sniffed the air, and cheered. And maybe one day she could walk out of the shadow of her guilt and stop thinking and dreaming about the tiny baby she'd killed.
Maybe.
Chapter 10: Live
Live
Stephanie went inside her apartment, locked the door, and put the security chain in place. She dropped her bags of clothes and stuff on the couch and yawned. It was just a little past noon, but she was already bone-tired. She washed her face, brushed her teeth, climbed into bed, and closed her eyes. It felt like the longest day in her life. She and Lula had gone to Joe's place to get her stuff right after leaving the car wash. She'd dropped Joe's keys through the letterbox on the door. Bob had been snoring on the chewed-up couch the whole time. Stephanie had almost cried when she'd rested her head on the playful orange dog for a long minute and said goodbye. She knew she would missed Bob terribly. She had gotten more and more used to Rex's absence. The silence inside her small apartment was no longer so unbearable. But the gaping hole inside her chest was still there and the pain was still raw. She hoped Joe wouldn't come here and bang on her door. She hoped she wouldn't have to give Dillon a call and ask him to change the locks. She hoped her mother would not call and make her feel guilty.
She had made it a habit to avoid confrontation and any kind of unpleasant situations. She changed the direction of the conversation. She made up excuses and left her mother's dining table. She played dumb or innocent. She told irresponsible, audacious lies. She closed her eyes and covered her ears, and then started singing to block out the outside world. Just because she didn't want to show her imperfection and ugliness. Just because she didn't want to expose her foolishness and weakness. Just because she didn't want people to find out that she was a hopeless failure, a pathetic loser. And then all of a sudden one day she'd woken up to find that shit had hit the fan: she'd been pregnant.
Stephanie wiped away her tears with her sleeve. Calm down. She told herself. Stop thinking. Get some sleep. Joe is not Ranger. He won't get pass the security chain. He will get the message eventually. He's not that stupid. He will realize he's not that into you. You're comfortable. You're familiar. You're safe. But that's it. You're just fun to fool around with. You're never the best candidate to be Mrs. Joseph Morelli. You know it. He knows it. Everyone in Trenton knows it. Even your mom and Grandma Bella know it. Now they just have to learn to be honest. Stephanie let out a small ragged laugh. She felt better already now. She had planned to go get her stuff by herself after things cooled down a bit, but Lula had quickly sensed something from her face/tone/aura(?) and looked at her like a worried mother bear. And thankfully Connie had just narrowed her eyes slightly at the two of them but said nothing. She knew Stephanie and Lula would share the big secret with her sooner or later when the time was right. It's really good to have friends. Breaking up is no big deal, come to think of it. Stephanie smiled and felt herself slowly falling asleep. Maybe she would dream of the crying child again. Maybe this time the babe would finally stop weeping. Maybe she would giggle when Stephanie picked her up and hugged her close to her heart. Maybe she would understand. Maybe she would forgive...forgive her stupid, heartless mom...forgive everything...

Chapter 11: Sigh
Sigh
Stephanie woke up with a start. She frowned and slowly blinked, feeling dazed. It was already dark. She could vaguely hear the sound of TV coming from one of her neighbors' apartments. The scent of cooking blew in through the window and her mouth felt dry. She had no idea how long she had slept. She couldn't tell the time. She sat up and yawned. Something had woken her up, but she wasn't sure what it was. She was still drowsy and tired. Maybe she should get out of bed and find something to eat. She also needed to go to the bathroom. But she didn't feel like moving a limb. Her bed was so warm and cozy. Maybe she should just lie back down and return to sleep...
"Stephanie! Open up!" The familiar annoyed voice came with a loud bang on her steel front door. "We need to talk."
She covered her eyes with a hand and let out a sigh. She knew he had said it through clenched teeth. He was about to run out of patience. She could picture his tightened jaw and balled fists. He was one of those men who still looked attractive when mad. Sometimes she wondered if one day he would finally lose control and slap her. That was something she really didn't want to find out. At least he didn't sound drunk. But still she didn't want to talk. She had said what she had to said. She had done what needed to be done. Now she just wanted him to cool down, go home, and leave her alone. They were over, whether he liked it or not. And a part of her didn't even want to remain friends. It would only be too awkward. They both needed a clean break and move on. Whatever they had had between them was too messed-up and too tangled.
"Steph," Another bang. Only this time it was softer. He was changing strategy. Smart man. "I know you're in there. I just want to talk."
She got out of bed and suddenly thought of the morning when she'd been in bed with Ranger. If only she had let Ranger get his gun and answer the door in his naked glory. If only she had persuaded Ranger to ignore the knocks. If only she had grown out of her childhood fantasy and unhealthy obsession sooner. She turned on the bedside light and put on her pants. If only she had told Ranger she loved him the day she'd gone to him with flowers and a birthday cake. Stephanie closed her eyes and tilted up her head. No. She couldn't turn back the clock. It was too late to regret now.
"Steph? Open the door."
She pulled her hair into a ponytail.
"Cupcake? Please?"
She found her shoes from under the bed and put them on.
"Cupcake?" Another bang. This time louder. "Open up."
She rolled her eyes, took her cell phone out of her shoulder bag, turned it on, winced, and decided to pretend she hadn't seen all the missed calls on the screen.
"Cupcake? Steph?"
Maybe he would finally get the message and understand if they sat down and had a long talk...She'd never meant to hurt him. She'd just...she'd just...
"Stephanie! Open this goddamn door right now or I'll call your mom." Joe had finally snapped. The anger and threat in his voice were too obvious.
Stephanie stared at her dark living room for a long second. She grabbed her shoulder bag, fished out her car keys, and turned off the bedside light.
"Stephanie! I mean it! I'll call your mother!" Oh yes, the famous Italian temper had made its appearance. "Open the door NOW!"
She pushed up the bedroom window. She got out to the fire escape. She went down as quietly and quickly as she could. She opened and then locked her car door. She started the engine. She stepped on the gas. She bit her lower lip. She took out her phone. She hit the speed dial. He answered after the first ring. His calm soft deep familiar voice brought tears to her eyes.
"Ranger," Stephanie tried her best to disguise the tears in her voice. Though she knew she couldn't fool him for half a second. "Can I come over and...stay with you for a while?"
"Babe," What have you done this time? Crazy stalker? Mad FTA? Forgot to pay the utility bills? At least your car is still alive.
She blinked back her tears and smiled a tiny timid smile as she recognize the amusement and silent welcome in that single word. "Thanks." She croaked. She'd never known she could miss or love a person this much. And yes, she knew she was in trouble...
Chapter 12: Soar
Soar
Once again Stephanie looked into the rear mirror. The familiar dark blue Ford SUV still wasn't there. She hoped Joe wouldn't make a fool of himself and cause a scene. Things might become ugly if some of her elder neighbors got annoyed and called 911. The last thing she needed right now was another rumour reaching her mother's ear. She'd known Joe would be pissed. He'd come home from a long exhausting day to find his keys on the floor and all her stuff gone. She'd basically sneaked out of his life like a shameless thief. It must have felt like a slap in his face. She didn't want to think how he would react once he found she had slipped out of her apartment. But he should've had left her mother out of this. They were both adults. He knew too well how much she hated to disappoint her mother. They should and needed to handle their problems by themselves instead of getting everyone involved.
She drove into the underground garage and parked her car beside the sleek shining Porsche Turbo. She was glad she'd visited the carwash. She became a little nervous when the elevator doors slid silently open. She still didn't know what to say to Ranger. He wouldn't need a thorough explanation as long as she wasn't in real danger. She was pretty good at hiding certain things from him, and she kind of resented herself for that. She'd never told Ranger she loved him, and she probably never would. She was too afraid to know his reaction. She was afraid Ranger would tell her she was in love with the wrong man. She was afraid he would say there was no place in his life for her. Her heart would break and shatter if he told her he didn't really need or love her. They couldn't remain friends if things came to that. She would want to run away, change her name, and then live alone and die in regret at some god-forsaken place. She was a woman. She had her pride and a sense of shame.
The bright spacious penthouse apartment was empty. Stephanie smiled as her eyes fell on the tray of food on the dining table. Fried brown rice, sautéed vegetables, and tomato soup. She actually did a happy dance when she found the hot pumpkin pie in the oven and a small bowl of whipped cream in the state of the art refrigerator. She washed her hands and sat down to eat in the serene silence. Ranger had some business to take care of. He wouldn't be back till late in the night. She always loved his bed, his couch, his bathroom and the whole apartment. She was most willing to trade a limb for his TV. And she now knew for a fact that she would still love him even if he lived inside a cave and live on tree barks,twigs, and grass.
Stephanie was already soundly asleep when the silhouette of a tall dark man appeared at the door of the dark bedroom. He stood there watching her for a long minute, listening to her slow even breathing. He wondered what exactly had brought her here. He walked silently to the bed, sat down, and gently traced a finger along her face. She looked a little sad and a little happy. He withdrew his hand when she turned toward him and murmured something in her sleep. He stood up and headed to the shower. It had been a long typical day. He needed to rest and sleep. He knew Stephanie was running away from something. She didn't even have the time to pack an overnight bag. He turned off the water, dried himself, put on his boxers, and got into bed.
Their talk could wait.
Chapter 13: Fall
Fall
Stephanie woke up and gasped. She almost choked on her tears. The pain was so real. The hurt was so deep. The dark colorless sky above an abandoned house with no fence. The soundless yelling of a strange angry man. The invisible face of a pale unblinking crying child. The empty street. The flickering lamp. Her remorse. Her guilt. Her regret. Her mistake. He fear. The despair and stress she'd felt. She let out a ragged breath. She tried not to sob out loud. Somewhere deep within she knew she'd already shed too many tears. And she never liked to feel helpless, fragile, or weak. She slowly sat up. For a brief moment she had no idea where she was. She heard the faint sound of the running shower. She smelled the lingering scent of Bulgari in the air. Then she remembered. She'd run away from her own apartment. Both Dillion and Carl had called to make sure she'd been alright. One of her neighbors had finally called the cops. She'd turned off her phone before Joe grabbing the phone out of Carl's hand. And somehow she hadn't lost her appetite. She'd finished her dinner and dessert as if nothing had happened. Even though she'd felt small, upset, teary, and lonely in the bright spacious apartment.
She put her hand on Ranger's side of the bed. It was still warm. She wiped away her tears, and lay back down in bed. It was just a little after six. The past two weeks had been worse than a Halloween nightmare. Every night she dreamed sad or unpleasant dreams. Every morning she woke up tired and exhausted. She now had an ugly dark secret to keep. And it was slowly sucking her life and strength away and wearing her down. Lula understood her decision and would not judge her. Maybe Connie would understand, too. But Stephanie did not have the same faith in her own mother, sister and other close friends. She wished she was not Catholic. She felt she had done something wrong and she wished she could stop feeling the guilt. What had been done had been done. There was no turning back. Let go, move on, forget, forgive, and be happy. She knew too well what she needed to do right now. But if only it was that easy.
She didn't hear the water stop or the bathroom door open. She simply sensed Ranger's presence. She turned to look at him and tried to smile and say Hi, but instead she almost cried. She had been missing him terribly. He was so close but so far away. She was a total mess. He was cool, composed, rational, and well-prepared. She had always been his burden and liability. And he had his goals in life and his own dark secrets. She didn't cry. She just felt sad, and too depressed. She had always secretly wanted to be more than his pleasure and entertainment, but most of the time she had been in Morelli's bed. Yeah, talk about being unreal and unrealistic.
"What happened?" Ranger, clad only in his black boxers, turned on the bedside lamp and quietly asked.
Stephanie, clad in Ranger's black t-shirt and a pair of her RangeMan panties, cracked a weak smile at him. He didn't even raise his brow, she suddenly noticed. She wanted to say, "It's complicated". She wanted to simply shrug. She wanted to tell a perfect lie and pretend everything was okay. But the thing was, she was not okay. Sooner or later he would find out about her break up. Sooner or later he would find out about Morelli's wrath. And she would rather die than hear Ranger say, "You will get back together. You always do". She wanted to let him know she had burned down the bridge. She had done something more resolute and destructive than burning down the metaphorical bridge. And she was not proud of what she'd done. She was frightened. She was ashamed. He had married a woman he didn't love to give their child his name. He had never once delayed or missed paying child support. He had let another man become his daughter's loving, caring father. He had willingly paid the price and done the right things. And she had chosen the different path. She had chosen to run away.
Stephanie's breath caught in her throat. She tried to blank back a tear and failed. She turned away form Ranger's eyes. She lowered her head. He would not press her if she chose not to say a word. He would provide her with food, clothing and shelter. He would help her hide from whatever and whoever was chasing her and keep her safe. He was her mentor, her friend, her sometimes lover, and her Batman. And he didn't even know that she loved him, or what kind of woman she really was.
"I got pregnant." She could feel Ranger's eyes on her face. "It was an accident."
She almost smiled at her own bravery as she looked at her hands and helpfully added. "Joe doesn't know."
The silence grew. Her fear became numb. And suddenly she didn't care. Not anymore.
"And I had an abortion."
Chapter 14: Dream
Dream
There, she had said it. She had finally admitted that she was a hopeless fool and an irresponsible adult. She had screwed up her life. She had murdered her child. And she couldn't even come face to face with Joe and tell him the truth. She'd chosen to climb out of her own bedroom window and flee like one of her skips. And her problems were still there. Ranger didn't say a word. The silence dragged on for a long, long minute. Stephanie kept her eyes on her hands. She'd once thought she could grow up and have everything she wanted. And the sad truth was that now she had nothing. Nothing at all. She'd chosen the wrong career path. She'd married the wrong man. She'd gotten laid off and divorced. And she'd made another wrong decision the day she'd open her door to find Joe standing there with her pizza in his hands. She didn't look up when Ranger sat down on the bed. She wanted to see the look in his eyes but she didn't dare. Ranger reached out a hand and wiped away a drop of her tears. His hand was so warm and firm. His voice was quiet and composed, and nevertheless gentle and soft.
"You did what you needed to do."
The matter-of-factness in Ranger's voice made Stephanie want to smile. She could hear his unsaid words. She knew she needed to let go and move on and concentrate on the future. She knew she needed to stop being blaming herself. If only she knew how to stop being so obsessed with her guilt. She had been taught too well by her mother and the Catholic nuns. Now she believed Hell did exist. But she was no longer sure if Heaven was real. Maybe she would end up needing a shrink for professional help. But she sure couldn't afford the bill. And she was just not the kind of person who could so easily open up to strangers. "Lie, hide and deny" had always been her favorite motto. She was good at faking orgasms when Joe was too persistent and she was too tired. She was good at cheating unsuspecting people blind. She would do whatever she could to avoid conflicts and confrontation. She had no idea since when telling the truth had eased to be an option. She just didn't want to upset or disappointed people. She just wanted to look smart, cute, and clever. But nothing could ever change the fact that she was an idiot. There was no hiding from the truth that she was flat-out stupid.
Stephanie didn't know where she'd gotten the courage. She sat up in bed and turned to Ranger. She didn't want her life to end like this. She needed to do something right now to tell, to show Ranger something. And she had no idea what that "something" was exactly. She wrapped her arms around him. She rested her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and stopped crying. She felt his arms tightening around her. And for the first time in the past several weeks, she finally felt safe.
Chapter 15: Real
Real
They ate breakfast in comfortable silence. Ranger almost smiled when Stephanie reached out a hand and stole another slice of apple from his plate. She had decided to start eating healthier, but still she'd poured a generous quantity of organic maple syrup on her buttermilk buckwheat pancakes. She was glad Ranger hadn't say "Everything is going to be alright" or anything like that. He'd just held her tight till she'd calmed down and her silent tears had gone dry. His warmth and existence had always been like her anchor. He'd been so strong, so real, and yet so gentle. And for the very first time since they'd met she hadn't thought of sex while being wrapped in his arms. She'd wanted something more.
They were not exactly in a relationship. They were much, much more than friends with benefits. And now that Stephanie knew she had to make some necessary changes in her life, she suddenly wanted to know how it felt like to grow old together with Ranger. How would it feel like to wake up every morning for the rest of her life beside him? How would it feel like to walk hand in hand down the beach with him? How would it feel like to just stay by his side, doing nothing? She almost sighed as she finished her coffee. Dangerous thoughts. Unstoppable longings. Right now her life was a total mess and she'd started dreaming yet another impossible dream. She had never been an overachiever, but sometimes she was not afraid to dream big. The only problem was, she usually had no idea how to make them come true. And she had spent—or rather wasted—too much time fooling around accomplishing nothing.
And why would someone like Ranger want to spend the rest of his life with someone like her? She wasn't that stupid. She knew he'd been trying to put some space between them. Maybe that was because once again she'd been back with Joe. Maybe that was because he was ready to move on to the next stage of his life. Maybe he just didn't want to waste more time on her. For years her life had been a meaningless farce and a boring cliché. Nothing ever changed. Her unhealthy on-and-off relationship with Morelli. The everlasting power struggle between she and her mother. The non-stop disaster that was called her bounty hunter career.
And now this.
The familiar cold depression crept back into her heart like a venomous serpent. She could stay with Ranger as long as she needed, but she couldn't hide forever. Sooner or later she would have to step outside of the RangeMan building to face Joe and deal with her mother. And the more she thought about her relation with Ranger, the more uncertain she became. She knew she loved him. But would love alone be enough? She looked up as Ranger stood up from the table. She tried not to blink or look away as his eyes fell on her face. She didn't want to seem guilty, worried, or afraid. She stood up and tried to look brave. She prayed and hoped that for once he couldn't read her mind like an open book.
"Get some rest." Ranger pulled her near, kissed her softly on her lips and ruffled her hair. "You're thinking too hard."
She stared at the door for a whole minute after he went down to his 5th-floor office. The touch of his lips lingered in her head. She put the dishes into the dishwasher. She opened the door for Ella, helped her cleaning and tidying up the apartment, and they chatted a little. She sat down on the couch when she was alone and finally took out her phone. She put her phone back into her shoulder bag and turned on the TV. She found a rerun of an old black-and-white movie in which every men was tough and all the women were pretty. Ranger was right. She did need some rest. Maybe it was time to stop thinking. Maybe she should listen to her instincts. Maybe Joe would calm down a bit and finally realize she was right. Maybe her mother would stop nagging at her and find a new hobbit. And maybe she would have the courage to be honest with herself and Ranger when he came up for lunch. She nearly smiled as the tall strong man in the TV screen wrapped the fragile-looking woman in his arms and kissed her.
Maybe.
Chapter 16: Feel
Feel
Stephanie turned on her cell phone when the movie was over. She needed to check in with Connie and talk with Lula. Ella had brought her several black t-shirts, cargo pants, and a few pairs of socks, and she suddenly felt like buying some new clothes, new shoes, new bras, and new panties. She also needed some face and hair products. Of course she could go back to her apartment for her stuff. But going shopping with Lula would be fun, and she didn't want to risk running into Joe in her parking lot. Maybe Connie would want to join them; they could go to that new café for afternoon snack. She'd heard the mixed berries crumble there was worth to die for, and berries were fruits and fruits were healthy. Besides, she deserved some happy. She needed some fun. She wanted to listen to her friends' silly jokes and laugh out loud. She wanted to strolled down the mall watching people's smiling faces and feel alive. She was getting tired of crying over her mistakes and mourning for her unborn child. She wanted and needed to start trying to regroup her life. It wouldn't be an easy task, she had no doubt about that. But every baby step would count. She couldn't afford to keep resenting herself.
She laid her hand on one of Ranger's black jackets and smiled. According to the weatherman the temperature had dropped overnight. She knew Ranger wouldn't mind her borrowing his hoodie. She always loved wearing his clothes, and she knew he liked to see her in his t-shirt. Stephanie took the stylish hoodie off the rack and was about to try it on when her phone started to ring.
"Don't come in today." Connie said in a calm hushed tone. "Morelli is waiting for you here and he looks really pissed. Call Ranger. Hal has your files."
Stephanie's heart sank at Connie's words. She thanked Connie, told her she was alright and turned off the phone. Anger and frustration swelled up inside her. She so wanted to scream, to shout, to yell and tear at her hair. She had made herself clear. Why couldn't Joe accept her decision and just let go? Why did he have to be such an obstinate jerk? Why couldn't he see they were not right for each other? Why did her friend have to call her from the office bathroom like a secret agent? Why did her life have to be such a mess? She knew she had no one to blame. She knew it was all her fault. But still.
She closed her eyes but didn't cry. She then felt the familiar tickling sensation, opened her eyes, turned around, and saw Ranger. He had two files in his hand. He didn't sat anything. He was not frowning. But he wasn't smiling, either. He just looked at her with his beautiful bright dark brown eyes. And suddenly Stephanie desperately wanted to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. She took a step closer. She looked straight into his eyes. She took a deep breath and finally said:
"Can you take me shopping?"
Silence fell. And then Ranger smiled. A full on 1000 Watt smile.
"Babe,"
Chapter 17: Deal
Deal
Some people were discreetly peeking out of the corners of their eyes. Some people were openly gawking. Stephanie tried to concentrate on her mixed berries crumble with vanilla ice cream(with real vanilla bean!) and strawberry bubble tea. She knew she would be lying to herself if she said she was not worried. She had seen several familiar faces while shopping for shoes and clothes, and one or two of them might be already on the phone. She hadn't thought much about what to do if Joe showed up. The last thing she needed was a confrontation or yelling match. And right now she could only pray that there wouldn't be a shootout at the mall.
Ranger, as usual, was sitting with his back to the wall facing the door. He had ordered Earl Grey and looked totally calm and nonchalant, but Stephanie knew he was carrying his knife and guns. He always carried his knife and guns. Maybe that was the reason why he'd told her he didn't do relationship. He was doing a stressful, demanding, and dangerous job. He needed to stay focused and alert all the time. And though he was always ready and prepared, nobody could be sure what would happen the very next next second. He might not be able to come back in one piece, and she knew he wouldn't want to leave a teary/pregnant girlfriend/wife and wailing kids behind. Of course, maybe he just didn't want extra burdens; maybe he just didn't believe in marriage; maybe he just liked to be free. After what had happened to Julie, Stephanie knew for a fact that Ranger didn't want his enemies or anyone else to use his loved ones as leverage. But sometimes when she looked into his eyes, she couldn't help thinking that one day he would finally be ready to settle down and start a new family. A smart, beautiful wife, a large lazy black and white cat, and two to three cute, brilliant kids.
Why not? Stephanie took a big bite of the amazingly delicious crumble and tried hard to ignore the sudden lump in her throat. Ranger had served their country. He had helped keep dangerous criminals and vicious villains off the street. He had paid his taxes. He had been a good boss to all the RangeMan employees. He had saved her butt more than a zillion times. He was a good and decent man. He deserved to be happy. He deserved someone who was brave, clever, and honest. He deserved someone better than she was. And she should thank him for being such a good friend and be happy for him. It was the least she could do. She could always cry her heart out after his wedding or the birth of the Bat Baby. Then live and die in loneliness. As the price of the unforgettable crime she'd committed.
Enough gloomy thoughts. Stephanie decided and took a sip of her bubble tea. Time to focus on the task at hand: new lingerie. So far the shopping trip had been smooth and easy and she'd been lucky: she'd found a nice coat, "a couple pretty dresses, a pair of cute but tough-looking boots and a pair of sensible shoes in record time, and the price was reasonable. Who knew? Maybe Ranger also had shopping karma. Stephanie sneaked another glance at Ranger and secretly smiled. She wasn't sure if she would come back with Lula for that Batman cookie jar when things cooled down a bit, though. She liked it but didn't really need it. And she wasn't exactly rich. Great. She had already started thinking like a mature adult. Now if only she had the courage to be more honest with her feelings for Ranger.
She almost sighed when she looked up from her plate and widened her eyes as she found Ranger looking at her intensely. They hadn't talked much since leaving RangeMan but the silence didn't make her feel awkward. Instead it made her feel intimate and safe, and she felt that she could see a deeper layer of Ranger: the comfortable and domestic side of him. But now, at this particular moment, Stephanie simply wished she could read the look in his eyes. She knew he was not going to ask her about Morelli. He probably knew already. Without a word she pushed her crumble and tea toward him. Without a word Ranger picked up the fork and took a bite. He then raised his brow a fraction after tasting the creamy pink tea.
"That stuff is going to kill you, babe." Stephanie said solemnly.
And then for the very first time in a long, long time, she laughed heartily.
Chapter 18: Strength
Strength
They had dinner at Shorty's. Stephanie was in the mood to try something new, so they shared a large plate of Italian warm salad and a Chicago style deep dish pizza. She almost fell out of her chair when Ranger ordered watermelon gelato for dessert. Shorty's still looked and felt like a mysterious and exclusive hangout for people with a questionable past and dark secrets. The light inside was still dim and the people were still somewhat scary. Though the tablecloth was new and different(clean, without blood stain) and the waitress was actually smiling pleasantly, Stephanie still found it utterly strange that a place like this served deep dish pizza, warm salad, and gelato.
Ranger had impeccable table manners. He ate quietly and neatly and smiled his barely there smile as the hot creamy cheese made Stephanie moan. Just like in the café, he looked relaxed and comfortable. Stephanie, on the other hand, felt happy, relaxed and relieved. She had been smiling when they'd left Victoria's Secret with several fancy shopping bags. The three sales ladies and the other shoppers had been gawking at Ranger the whole time. Stephanie knew all the women had been tempted to reach out a hand to touch the tiger, but since none of them had wanted to risk being burned, they had all wisely kept a safe distance from the beautiful dangerous man. The envy and jealousy in their eyes had made Stephanie want to wrap her arm around Ranger and laugh in triumph like a proud evil queen, but the smile on her face had disappeared the moment they'd stepped out of the mall.
She had been half expecting to see a mad Morelli leaning against Ranger's Cayenne with his eyes blazed, his jaw clenched, and his hairy arm crossed. She had been bracing herself for a inevitable unpleasant confrontation/yelling match. But instead a huge wave of relief had washed over her when she'd found no sight of her ex-boyfriend. She was grateful there'd been no need to unveil the ugly truth and exchange hurtful words. She had said all she had to say. She'd tried her best to to keep it plain and simple. She'd done all she could to refrain from saying things unhelpful and harmful. It wasn't her fault that Joe was too stubborn to recognize the fact. He'd known all along they were not exactly a match made in heaven. They fought all the time. They couldn't find a common ground. They kept waiting for each other to make sacrifices. They refused to compromise. They were both selfish and immature. And she'd finally had enough after paying that horrible price.
What could she say to make him listen? What could she say to make him understand? What should she do to make him turn around and walk away without a backward glance? What should she do to make him find someone else and live happily ever after without revealing her painful secret? She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She scooped up a generous amount of gelato and concentrated on the refreshing fruity sweetness. She was not exactly a stupid clueless woman. She would figure out a way. She would know which bridge to cross and which to burn. Sooner or later she would have to move back to her own apartment. Sooner or later she would have to step up and deal with all her problems. Maybe her mother would never understand her decision. Maybe Joe would never forgive her for walking away like this. But this was her life. She was tired of drifting with the flow. She was tired of trying to be like everyone else. She was the one and only Stephanie Plum. She wanted and needed to stop making foolish childish mistakes. She wanted and needed to make something out of her life and herself. She had to stop making excuses. She had to learn to trust her heart and use her brain. But right now she just wanted to enjoy this precious moment. Tonight she just wanted to rest her head on Ranger's chest, listen to the calm regular beating of his heart and fall asleep.
Ranger paid the check and left a generous tip. He then gathered Stephanie in his arm when they walked into the chilly night air. He started the car and turned on the music. Soft elegant classical music flowed in the air as they headed back toward RangeMan. Stephanie couldn't hide the small smile on her face. It had been a long day but she didn't really feel tired. The powerful engine roared. The car sped through the night. She took a look at Ranger, leaned back into the seat and closed her eyes. And someday, maybe someday, she would learn to become a better woman. She would no longer be afraid to chase her dreams. She would no longer be the Queen of Denial. She would become braver, smarter. She would be decisive and determined. She would go for what she truly wanted and needed. And maybe, just maybe, she would finally be worthy of the man she loved, and he would be ready to love her back...
Chapter 19: Dare
Dare
It started raining in the middle of the night. Ranger opened his eyes as Stephanie stirred in his arms. She was all soft and warm, and she smelled of his shower gel. He felt relieved that she wasn't having the nightmare she'd told him about. He had some paperwork to catch up on tomorrow morning and she had two skips to catch. They both knew she couldn't stay in hiding forever. Sooner or later she would have to turn on her cell phone and face the music. Joe Morelli would still be pissed. Her mother would still try to keep pressuring her and nag her into submission. He hoped Stephanie would have enough courage to step up for herself and fend them off. She always wanted to be strong and tough, but most of the time she was weak of will and fragile. She always tried to please everyone and make them happy. And in doing so, she usually gave in to their wishes and forgot to think of her own happiness. He wanted her to stop making wrong decisions just because she was afraid and lonely. He wanted her to be able to stand on her own. He wanted her to return to the old Stephanie:the determined woman he had met for the first time in that diner; the independent woman who had outwitted a bunch of thugs and villains; the brave woman who had helped him save Julie. And he wished what she had gone through wouldn't leave her scarred for the rest of her life.
Ranger closed his eyes and listened to the rain and Stephanie's even breathing. Once again sleep claimed him. Downstairs on the fifth floor, the night shift RangeMan crew stayed focused on their duties. Inside the parking lot of Stephanie's apartment building, Joe Morelli sat in his car waiting. He was not a fool. He didn't bother to call Stephanie. He knew exactly where she was. He knew as long as he was here, Stephanie wouldn't be back. But he couldn't bring himself to go to RangeMan. He didn't want to make a scene in front of Ranger. He didn't want to give Stephanie the chance to dump him in front of that crazy bastard. He would probably shoot someone if he heard Ranger smiled that annoying smile and called her "Babe". So he chose to come here; to apply silent pressure. Sooner or later Mrs. Plum would intervene. Sooner or later Stephanie would feel guilty and eventually cave in. He had invested too many years in their relationship, he couldn't afford to walk away with nothing. He didn't even know why she wanted to break up with him. He had absolutely no idea why she had become so cold and so distant so suddenly. He was pretty damn sure he hadn't done anything wrong.
He'd been engulfed by anger when he had come home after a long day's work to find his keys in the letter box. He'd been beyond furious upon being told that she'd sneaked out of her apartment via the fire escape. All he wanted was to talk. All he wanted was to ask her why. All he wanted was a peaceful life. But she had to frustrate the Hell out of him and make him a laughing stock. And now he just wanted to grab hold of her shoulders and shake some sense into her too thick skull. Joe Morelli closed his eyes and listened to the rain and his own angry breathing. He had wasted a whole morning waiting for Stephanie. He was bone-tired but couldn't sleep. He had a stressful demanding job and he knew he was good at it. He had no reason to let go. He had no reason to move had his hopes, his dreams, and his fears.
And if only he knew what to do with Stephanie.
Chapter 20: Courage
Courage
She saw the face of a child. She smiled and bent to pick him up. He smelled slightly of milk and baby powder. He had wide blue eyes and almost black curly hair. He was such a beautiful child. He giggled happily in her arms. And she almost cried. She was happy and sad. She was shattered and relieved. She had found what she'd been looking for. But something wasn't right. This was not her child. She knew she should let go but she didn't want to. She knew she had no claim to this baby but he was so precious. She knew she would die if he was taken from her arms. But he was not the child. He was not the one she had lost. He didn't have melted chocolate eyes. And he didn't cry. He smiled up at her. His face looked so familiar. He had the same nose. He had the same lips. "Mommy." Soundlessly he said. "Mommy." Oh God, he looked so cute, so happy...
Stephanie woke up in warm darkness. She heard the sound of the rain. She blinked slowly and let out a breath. She could still sense the sad smile on her face as she tried to remember her dream. She was glad she wasn't crying. She snuggled closer to the warm muscular body next to her and felt safe and cozy. Sometimes she wished she could just erase everything and start anew. She would be smarter. She wouldn't make so many stupid painful mistakes. She would spare herself from humiliation and unpleasant memories. She would be better. She would be stronger. She would be closer to perfect. She wouldn't have to try to explain her life to her mother. She wouldn't need to figure out what to say to Joe Morelli. She would be happier. She would be free.
She tried to stifle a yawn. She didn't want to wake Ranger. She didn't want to become his burden and drag him down. She had two skips to catch, groceries to buy, and rent to pay. He had his own life to live and she wished she could be a part of it. But she also realized you couldn't always get what you wanted. She silently sighed and closed her eyes. She thought of her dream and wondered if it meant something. She recalled the beautiful child's face and remembered the other faceless baby. Her baby. Her dead child. Somehow she managed to push her guilt aside. She had to get her life back on track. She had to focus on "now". She needed to trun her cell phone back on. She needed to call around and ask about her skips. Lula wanted to watch Twilight and Skyfall; they should invite Connie along and had a girls' night out. Maybe they could go to Shorty's for dinner or try the new Thai place. Maybe she should just give up instead of trying to make her mother understand. Maybe she could think of a most effective break up line and deliver it as the knockout punch. Maybe she could play matchmaker and find the perfect woman for Joe. A nurse. A librarian. An elementary school teacher. A pretty woman with a curvy figure and a great smile. A fun and lovely person who wanted to marry a cop and become the mother of six kids.
Or maybe she should just look Joe in the eyes and tell him she'd killed the baby because she didn't want to be the mother of his child. She didn't want to give up a part of her life and make the necessary sacrifice. She didn't want to change. She didn't want to adjust. She never liked his family and she didn't love him that much. And she was in love with someone else. Yeah, right. Stephanie snorted at herself. Maybe he won't get mad and shoot you on the spot. Honesty is the best policy my ass. She startled and opened her eyes as Ranger tightened his arm around her and started to laugh. She tried to narrow her eyes at him but failed. Soon she began to laugh. She knew she'd whispered the words out loud. She didn't know when her hands had travelled to his bare chest. She didn't know when her lips had leaned in and found his. She didn't know when she had closed her eyes. She didn't know when she had let her instinct, her need, and her love for him take over. She didn't know when she had whispered "I love you" in his ear. She didn't know when her tears had started to flow.

She did know she loved him. And that was all she needed right now.
Chapter 21: Calm
Calm
Stephanie opened the door and stepped in. It was a little after nine. Her mother was sitting at the dining table sipping a cup of tea. Stephanie pulled out a chair and sat down. She hoped she wasn't blushing. She tried to act normal. She could still feel Ranger's touch against her skin. She remembered how he'd kissed away her tears and how she'd woken up in his arms not two hours ago. He was magic. He had been very gentle. Her whole being felt soft and warm, as if all her invisible wounds were suddenly healed. She reached for a cookie and poured herself a cup of tea. There was no running away from this conversation. What had to come had to come. And maybe this time they could finally reach a mutual understanding.
The house was quiet and felt empty. Helen didn't look angry or worried. She wasn't upset, either. Her face was calm and almost emotionless, just like the message she'd left on Stephanie's cell phone. "Stephanie, this is your mother. I need to talk to you." Helen had simply said in a flat expressionless tone. Silence dragged on for a minute. Helen finished her rose and lavender tea, put down the ivory china cup, and looked at her daughter. There was something in her pale blue eyes that made Stephanie start feeling nervous.
"What do you want for your life, Stephanie? Do you have any plan at all?"
Helen's voice was soft but stern. Today she was determined to find the answers. She wanted to solve the problems once and for all. She was tired of Stephanie's unusual lifestyle and careless behaviour. She wanted Stephanie to stop being the favorite topic of the town gossip and rumours. She wanted Stephanie to settle down, stay away from danger, and try to have a happy normal life like everyone else. She didn't want to lose sleep over her younger daughter's safety and happiness any more. She was too old and too tired for that now.
"You are giving me ulcers, Stephanie. You are a single divorced woman. You are not young any more. You will be forty in a few more years. You can't be a bounty hunter forever. You have been beaten, kidnapped, and almost killed. You don't have a house. You don't have a decent car. You have no money in the bank. You have no goals. You have a college diploma, but you refuse to find a steady better job that provides better health insurance. You have this strange relationship with Joseph. You move in with him. You break up with him. You go back together. You break up again. He keeps saying he wants to marry you but so far no one has seen a ring. You keep saying Ranger is just a friend and your relationship is pure business, but every time you have a problem with Joseph, every time you are in danger, you run to Ranger. And your grandmother told me you sleep in his bed. You can't keep on living like this, Stephanie. What if Joseph loses patience and finds someone else? What if Ranger doesn't want to get serious with you? What are you going to do? You don't have anyone to lean on. You can't stand on your own. Your sister and your friends have their own lives and problems. And your father and I can't take care of you forever. Someday we are going to die. Who's going to take you in and make you meals when we are gone? Have you ever thought about your future, Stephanie? I can't live forever. I won't be there to run over the bad guy and save you the next time someone wants to kill you. You will be all alone. You will be on your own."
Helen felt sad and tired. She didn't cry. She didn't sigh. She just looked into her daughter's eyes and said what was on her mind. Sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and think of Stephanie's messed-up life. She couldn't go back to sleep afterward no matter how hard she tried. She wanted to stop worrying about Stephanie. She wanted to tell herself everything would turn out alright. She wanted to pretend she didn't see the faint burn mark on Stephanie's arm all the time. She wanted to forget the fear she'd seen in her elder daughter's eyes the day that mad mobster had abducted Valerie to get to Stephanie. All she wanted was a safe and peaceful life. She totally deserved that. She was so frustrated and scared that she wanted to tear at her hair and scream at the top of her lungs. And now as Helen saw the stunned and hurt look on Stephanie's face, she suddenly realized that venting out her fears and worries hadn't helped her feel better. She felt like a terrible mother, as a matter of fact. She had showed her vulnerability and frightened her wide-eyed child. She hadn't found any answer but still got too many questions.
And what was her point exactly? Marriage is a heaven? Snare a man, bear him children and you will be happy? Be like everyone else and your problems will turn around and go away quietly? Really? How come she had a feeling that she might have been happier if she had accepted the job offer and moved to San Francisco instead of staying here and marrying Frank? Helen closed her eyes, exhaled a long breath, and then took a whole minute to regroup and collect herself.
"What I was trying to say is: it's time to think carefully and make a decision, Stephanie. You need to make some changes. You need to stop wasting your life. You have to take your life seriously. Draw a line between you and Ranger if you want a future with Joseph. Break up cleanly with Joseph if you don't want to marry him. Find another job and start saving money for your future. Try to get better at your job and make more money if you want to keep on being a bounty hunter. Just...do something. Don't climb out of your bedroom window and run away like a thief. This is your life, not a circus or Jersey Shore. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

Stephanie felt her face burning. She pulled her suddenly teary eyes away from her mother and tried not to weep. Yes, she felt ashamed. Yes, she felt like a failure. Yes, she knew she was a disappointment. Yes, her mother's words stabbed at her heart and hurt like Hell; but what she'd said was true. She hadn't expected this from her mother. She'd braced herself for the usual complaining and nagging. She'd thought she'd had to turn a deaf ear to the never-ending "quit your job, settle down, marry Joseph, and pop out little Morellis". She blinked away her tears. She stifled a sob. Slowly she nodded her head. She couldn't bring herself to look at her mother. And she finally burst out in tears and threw herself into her mother's arms as Helen said a little awkwardly:
"I made a pineapple upside-down cake and some cookies. Share them with Lula and Connie. Don't eat them all by yourself. And don't forget to thank Ranger for taking you in—"
Helen Plum let her own tears drop as she wrapped her daughter in her arms and patted her on the was tough being a mother, wife, and daughter at the same time. Sometimes she hoped she could a better job. But she didn't regret any minute of it. And she wouldn't trade it for anything.
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