Friday, December 7, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The Path Not Taken
An unpleasant Cupcake story. There is only one rule in life: We make our own choices and take full responsibility for our decisions. No matter how much you want to turn back the clock, you are stuck in this cold merciless reality. Theme Song: When Doves Cry by Prince.
Title: The Path Not Taken
Category: Books » Janet Evanovich
Author: Cut Myself Shaving
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Drama/General
Published: 10-25-12, Updated: 02-21-13
Chapters: 15, Words: 12,484
Category: Books » Janet Evanovich
Author: Cut Myself Shaving
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Drama/General
Published: 10-25-12, Updated: 02-21-13
Chapters: 15, Words: 12,484
Chapter 1: The Path Not Taken
Chapter 1
The Path Not Taken
They have been married for a little more than eight years.
Their daughter is almost eight. Their son just turned six. He wants another child, but she keep saying no. He has tried all he can, but she won't budge. She wasn't born to be a mother or a housewife, she says. Two kids and an old sick Bob are all she can ever handle. She will go insane if she has to go through another pregnancy. She doesn't know what she will do should she find herself carrying another child. She may do something hurtful and extreme. He looks into her eyes and immediately knows that she's not joking. She means every word she says.
The past few years have not been kind to her. All the duties, obligations, stress, and pressure of being a stay-home mother have worn her down. Now she looks older than she really is. She seldom smiles. And she always seems to be tired, impatient, and grumpy. She's the one who had to quit her job to stay home taking care of herself and the unexpected baby. She's the one who has chop up tomatoes, cook pastas, and clean up after the kids. She's the one who has to help make preparation for all kinds of family dinners and gatherings. And they both know his mother and Grandma Bella are not easy to please. And he's usually not around to help her out.
It's his fault, really. He has a demanding job. He has given his vows to protect and serve. He can't just drop everything and come to her aid whenever she calls. He's no Batman or Superman. He can't afford to lose his job. He's looking forward to a pay raise and a possible promotion. He has to do everything to impress his boss. He has to started saving for the kids' college fund, too. He's terribly sorry, he really, really wants to be there for her, but she's on her own. She's not happy with what he says. She's not a child-making machine. She's not his maid and cook and nanny. She needs his support, his help, his company, and love. Yea, they both know how much she hates doing house chores. Yes, everyone in their families knows she is not cut out to be a full-time mother. She definitely needs all the direction and help she can get, and he's just being lazy and selfish.
He grows bored and tired. It's not the first time he hears her tearful accusation. He's doing his best to suppress the resentment and disgust that suddenly well up within him. He raises his brows at her and gives his shoulders a casual shrug. And, of course, she loses her temper. They've had countless fights over this and other meaningless trifles over the years. And they have nearly run out of things to yell, to scream, to whisper, or to say. They don't even have the energy to tease each other and fool around. They have long forgotten what hot steaming balls-to-the-wall wild animal sex tastes like. The monotonous, unchanging, tedious everyday life has quenched their passion and thirst. She has gained some weight. He has lost some hair(on the top of his head). She has lost the twinkling light in her tired blue eyes. He is developing a beer gut as his lean muscles have begun to loosen. The kids have all kinds of problems in school. Bob's health is failing too quickly. Every time Grandma Bella's eyes fell on them, she reminds them she wants more bambinos.
They wave their arms and yell at each other. The kids are having a sleepover at their cousin's. Bob has gone deaf because of old age. They let out of their anger and frustration without reservation. They have both made plenty of sacrifices, adjustments, and compromises. They both want to hold on to their separate bottom lines. They are both stubborn and headstrong. They both like to do things their own ways. They used to use sex to forget their problems, differences, and conflicts. But now they are both bitter and exhausted. And after six years of relationship on-and-off relationship and eight years of marriage, the sexual attraction is no longer exists. Her breasts are too small. His body is too hairy. She becomes less and less adventurous. He just rolls over and falls asleep. Sometimes they wonder why the HELL they got married and then feel regretful and guilty when their daughter Rose Maria smiles and asks them something.
The only reason they are still together is that they are both Catholic. The Morellis don't do divorce. And once is more than enough for her mother. They stare at each other without screaming or shouting. They are both still angry. They both want to be the winner. They both hate to lose. And, as usual, they haven't solved anything. Their problems are still there. But once again they choose to turn their eyes away and ignore them. He tightens his jaw, walks away and turns on the TV. She stomps upstairs, slams the bedroom door shut and locks it. He turns off the TV, grabs his car keys, calls his pals, and goes out to drink himself silly. She bites her lips as she hears him leave, and cries herself to sleep.
It's just another typical ordinary average in their married life. Almost everyone in the neighborhood knows they are not happy. But they wisely choose to stay out of this. They have their own worries and fears. They have their own lives to live. And sometimes marriage is not about being happy. It's more like a habit or routine.
And love is flat-out overrated.
Chapter 2: The Unwanted Answer
Chapter 2
The Unwanted Answer
The bed beside her is cold and empty when she wakes up the next morning. It's not yet seven o'clock. She has become an early riser. She also knows all about changing diapers and burping the baby. She has no choice, really. She has a husband who firmly believes raising kids is women's duty. She doesn't have Mary Poppins as a nanny. She gets out of bed and goes to the small bathroom. Her eyes are all swollen and puffy. Her sister-in-law will drive the kids home after breakfast. Her mother-in-law will not be pleased if she ever finds out Joe didn't come home last night. And, as usual, they will say it was all her fault. She should have been smarter. She should have been more obedient. She should have been more like her mother, the ever so perfect wife and mother.
Why do you have to drive Joe mad, Stephanie? Why do you always have to make him angry? They will team up, frown at her and ask. Why can't you just nod your head, say yes, and give Joe another child? It's not like you have other things to do at this moment. The kids are old enough, and don't forget you won't get any younger. Soon the clock will stop ticking. This can be your very last chance to have another baby. You know how much Joe wants another little boy. He works his butt off to provide for you and the kids. This is the least you can do to repay him and show him your gratitude and appreciation. What kind of woman are you if you don't want to fulfill your duty as a wife? You can't even cook a decent plate of pasta, for God's sake. You can't really believe you can feed your family with warm milk and grilled cheese sandwiches, can you, Stephanie? What will the neighbors say? What will your poor mother think? She's one of the best cook in this community, for crying out loud.
She changes into an old t-shirt and a pair of worn out jeans. She goes downstairs and feeds Bob before having a simple breakfast. She turns on the TV to repel the empty silence. She keeps her eyes on the screen but doesn't hear a word the chic newswoman says. She always tries her best not to think too much, but sometimes she can't help feeling regret. If only she didn't get pregnant. If only she had the nerves to go to that clinic or had the courage to become a single mother. If only she didn't give in to her fear and to her mother. She stands up, washes the plate and puts it away. If only she had been honest with herself and...She let out a heavy sigh. If only she had been honest with herself and Ranger. The dull ache within her chest once again comes back to haunt and taunt her. She sits down by the dining table, stares numbly into the space, and sees a face: the face of a smiling woman.
There's no turning back. Not any more.
Rozie O'Hara. Early thirties. Bright dark green eyes. Slightly wavy raven black hair. A seemingly softer, sweeter version of the ever so perfect Jeanne Ellen Burrows. Lucille Plum's distant cousin. A clever and successful hunter. The bond enhancing agent who took over her old job but hasn't blown up one single house or a car. The woman who, Connie and Lula said, doesn't do stupid things like marriage and babies. The woman who is said to have found the Bat Cave...
Chapter 3: The Unasked Question
Chapter 3
The Unasked Question
He wakes up next to a naked warm body. It takes him a minute to remember what happened last night. Another fight with Stephanie. Another night spent in a newly-opened bar with his pals. Another curvy blonde woman smiled at him and licked her supple red lips. He felt proud and more than a little happy that most young sexy women still found him attractive. He drank too much beer and whiskey. He's not very sure why he decided to leave with that woman. He didn't mean to cheat on his wife. He vaguely remembers the sleeping woman's name is Tiffany...or Tammy, or something. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was being horny and foolish. Maybe he just wanted to have a little revenge on Stephanie. She's not happy that a part of him will always care about Terry. But it drives me mad that a part of his wife will always love Ranger. He has been suspecting that this is the real reason why she doesn't want to have another child.
He quietly gets out of bed. He bends down to gather his clothes and shoes. His head immediately starts pounding. He knows he has made a mistake. He knows he should feel guilty and regret. He zips his pants. He buttons his shirt. He tiptoes out of the small bedroom. Outside in the untidy living room, a tiny, ferocious-looking Chihuahua growls on the couch. He quickly lets himself out. He walks down the stairs. He gets out on the narrow street and soon spots his car. He hopes no one sees him walking out of the apartment building at this hour. He knows Stephanie won't even ask him where he was last night. She, as well as everyone else, will think he spent the night on someone's couch like he usually does.
He drives through the morning city. Maybe he should stop at a bakery for cupcakes and doughnuts. Maybe he should get Stephanie some flowers. He thinks of his daughter and son and suddenly feels bad for what he did. He will be lying if he says he doesn't feel satisfied and contented about last night. The young nimble body. The strong, tempting scent of perfume. The hungry eyes. The eager lips. He hasn't been so aroused in years. He has never thought he will feel so lonely after eight years of marriage. He should be happy. He should be fulfilled. His life should be bright and full of hopes and laughter. He shouldn't be angry, confused, and unhappy. Everybody says they belong together. Everybody says they are right for each other.
Everybody says Rose Maria is a most beautiful little girl. Everybody says Joe Junior looks just like him. But deep down within he knows something isn't right; something is missing. Now all the pressure and stress of his job and life have started to wear on him. And every time he hears about Ranger and his new "Babe", he will automatically taste the bitter taste of bile and jealousy.
Oh yes, he knows Ranger is happy.
The tall dark handsome dangerous Man of Mystery is still driving his expensive German cars. The muscular Cuban version of Bruce Wayne is stilling protecting Trenton and making big money. And every night that beautiful sexy cute clever and young bounty huntress is warming his king size bed. They are a match made in heaven, people say. They are perfect for each other, people smile. That Rozie O'Hara is way smarter than Stephanie Plum. Everyone likes her. All the cops are willing to help her. All the crazies and psychos stay out of her way. Even her skips like her. You don't hear stupid rumours and vicious gossips about her. She's totally different from Stephanie.
And the fact that she now belongs to Ranger makes Joe Morelli, the forty-five years old exhausted father of two children, way beyond mad. Life is so fucking unfair. He narrows his eyes and clenches his teeth as he hits the car horn impatiently. He simply hates feeling like the ultimate loser. Sooner or later he will do something to get even with Fate. Morelli silently swears. And with Ranger.
Chapter 4: A Familiar Stranger
Chapter 4
A Familiar Stranger
Oh yes, he will get even with Ranger. He will find out where all those mysterious black cars come from. The dusty navy blue SUV stops in front of the two-story house; Joe Morelli kills the engine of his car and once again feels the familiar anger rising inside. He doesn't know why he's so mad with Ranger, but he doesn't care. Everybody keeps telling him how lucky he is to have his dreams come true. A house. A job. A dog. A car. A wife. And a couple kids. Not many men can have all the things they want in life. But he can't help wanting more, and more, and more. Life should be more than this. It should be richer, fuller, and merrier. And Stephanie should be more cooperating and much happier. She shouldn't glare at him with that special look in her eyes whenever they have a fight as if he's just not good enough. He has done all he can. He has worked his butt off to make things work. All he wants is a smile from his wife. All he wants is another child. All he wants after a long day's work is a tender kiss and a hearty hug, instead of the endless complaining about his mother and the rest of his rude and inconsiderate family. Now he has also started hating Stephanie for making him feel like a lesser man. And sometimes at a moment like this he just wants to restart his car and drive all the way to another continent and start a new life. Morelli lets out a sigh and gets out of his car. Too late for wistful dreams now. He's already trapped.
The scent of alcohol, perfume, and cheap sex bitch-slaps Stephanie in her face. Without a word her husband nudges past her and goes upstairs. Joe has cheated on her. She numbly thinks. Her heart cracks a little. She starts shaking. She has thought he would stay loyal to her. She has thought he would respect their marriage. She has thought he would never be like his father, uncles, cousins, and brother. She has thought she would be happy. She sits down on the couch and silently weeps. Bob slowly walks over to put his head on her lap and whimpers a little. Upstairs in the bathroom Joe turns on the shower. Stephanie hugs Bob but doesn't feel any better. Once again she has been cheated on. She wonders if this time there was another dining table involved. Soon her tears stop and somehow she wants to laugh. Would she feel better had he come home with flowers and a box of chocolate? Would she sense the other woman had he taken a shower before coming home? All the beautiful romantic dreams she once had when she was a stupid young girl. All the hopes and wishes they once shared when they were still newlyweds. And now they have kids and she doesn't have a job. She can't just walk away or throw him out. Rose Maria and JJ are still too young. They need their father. She needs Joe's income. She has basically no money in her own bank account ever since they started a joint account. And the Morelli men don't do divorce, though they do cheat on their wives.
"Once you go to the Bat Cave it's forever, babe."
Out of nowhere Ranger's voice sounds in Stephanie ears. She slides off the couch and buries her face in Bob's dense orange fur. Around her, her once perfect little world breaks and shatters into zillions and zillions of tiny bitter pieces. A car stops outside on the street. Her daughter's and son's voices reach her ears. She knows she should stand up right now and put on her motherly smile and start fussing around the kids. But she remains where she is. She simply has no strength left. And for the first time in a little more than eight years, Stephanie Morelli finally admits to herself that she has chosen the wrong path. And her Batman is no longer there.
Chapter 5: A Tunnel With No End
Chapter 5
A Tunnel With No End
The first time Stephanie met Rozie O'Hara, she felt a slight twinge of jealousy. The new bounty hunter who'd taken over her place was laughing over something with Lula and Connie, and her beautiful smile and crystal-like laughter made it hard not to like her. Stephanie's heart sank a little bit. She missed her job. She missed the excitement and thrills. She missed her friends. She missed the days when she could just make herself a peanut butter and olive sandwich for dinner or order a pizza from Pino's. She loved her kids with all her heart, but she didn't like being tied up with all kinds of responsibilities and duties. She flat-out hated those endless household chores. She wished someday she could get her freedom back. And somewhere deep down within, she knew she missed Ranger. Whenever she had a fight with Joe, she couldn't stop thinking about all those "What ifs" and couldn't help wondering what the Bat Cave was like. And the moment she looked into Rozie's bright brilliant green eyes, she knew the pretty slender woman in boots and a chic black pant suit was the kind of woman a man like Ranger would want to love.
Stephanie left the bonds office and cried on the drive home. She didn't know what she had been expecting. She was now married with two kids. She had a husband she'd known all her life and God knew how much she hated her nosy and bossy in-laws. She'd thought she'd made the right and sensible choice. She'd walked down that path that had been meant for her. She'd always needed a wedding ring. She's always wanted something safe and permanent. And Ranger's no-marriage no-kids attitude was just not right for her.
Stephanie took a tissue, wiped away her tears, and blew her nose. She and Joe actually had had a huge fight over Ranger the day they sent out the wedding invitations. Joe'd wanted to invite Ranger to their wedding, and Stephanie said no. Ranger had done enough for her over the years. He'd kissed her on the top of her head and said, "Be happy, Stephanie" the day she'd told him she was going to get married. They had known all along this day would come. She would never be brave enough to embrace his lifestyle. He didn't love her enough to change for her. And the stubborn stupid little girl inside her always wanted Morelli.
"Mommy! She hit me!"
JJ's wailing snaps Stephanie out of her memories. She stands up from the kitchen table and goes into the living room to check on the children. She wishes she knows why they won't stop fighting each other over everything and anything. She stops dead when she sees Joe sitting on the couch, watching TV and drinking his beer as if nothing has happened. The living room floor is a mess. Toys, story books and half-eaten snacks scatter everywhere. Her hot-tempered daughter is frowning. Her shy timid son is crying. And her husband, as usual, is sitting right there and doing nothing. And he has just cheated on her with someone else. Someone who is probably blonde and uses strong cheap perfume. Someone who doesn't have to cook him dinner and wash his clothes. Someone who didn't have to go through hours and hours of labor twice to give birth to his children. Someone who didn't have to sacrifice a part of her life and make compromises. Did they remember to use protection? Is the woman carrying any kind of disease or STD? Did they go back to her place? Or did he take her to a cheap motel?
Rage clouds her vision. Sorrow swells up in her chest. Her son's persistent sobbing tears at her heart. Something snaps within and she finally loses it. Without a word she walks up to her husband, raises a hand and slaps him as hard as she can. She turns around and grabs her bag as he looks up at her with wide stunned eyes. And before Joe Morell's brain recognizes his boiling anger and shocking indignation, Stephanie is already out of the house and in her car. She starts the car and steps on the gas. She doesn't know where she can go or who she can turn to. She only knows that she has to get out of here. She blinks back her tears and lets out a ragged laugh.
She thought she would be happy. But how wrong she was.
Chapter 6: A Night Without Dawn
Chapter 6
A Night Without Dawn
A little part of her dies inside. She vaguely heard the weak fading voice calling for help. She chose to ignore it and say not a word. She stops the car at a red light. She keeps driving forward when the light changes. She hears the loud music from another car. She sees a driver smiles in an empty shabby Ford Fiesta. She knows she can turn back right now. She knows she can out a smile on her face and pretend nothing is wrong. She can hug her kids and make them lunch. She can wrap her arms around Bob and absorb his warmth. She can turn her eyes away when Joe tries to avoid her eyes.
Or maybe Joe won't even bother to put on an act.
Every man cheats once or twice in their life time. It's really not such a big deal. Her mother and mother-in-law will roll their eyes and say she overreacted. Joe will probably insist she's crazy and he did nothing wrong. Her father will concentrate on his pot roast and keep his usual silence. Grandma would believe her and stand by her side if she was still alive. Val, Mary Lou and the rest of her friends will tell her to think of the kids, she's sure of that. "He's a Morelli, Stephanie, what do you expect?" They will raise their brows at her and ask in a kind tone as if she's a pathetic retarded child. And she will have no choice but to swallow her anger and humiliation. She will spend the rest of her life with him even though she will never be able to trust him again. She will sleep in the same bed with him and even start having sex with him again when things cool down. She's a healthy woman. She has needs. But she will always make sure he wears condoms. She may not let him kiss her on her lips.
This is the life she chose. This is the decision she made. This will be the price she has to pay if she wants to keep her family intact. But how long can she keep the truth from her children? How long can she keep lying to herself? She suddenly feels tired. She pulls over in front of a diner. She finds herself a corner table and orders the first item on the menu. She barely has the strength to smile at the friendly looking waitress. She pokes at her food and sips her drink. She tries her best not to stare at the happy families in the diner. She wishes she can stop feeling sad. She used to think her life was a joke. She used to believe she deserved something better. She used to want to be like everyone else. She now has a husband. She now has a dog, two kids, and a three-bedroom house with front and back yards. She cooks. She cleans. She does the laundry and dishes. Her dog is loyal. Her kids are smart and beautiful. Her husband is a hard-working tall dark handsome police detective. She's living the dream life for a lot of simple women. She has everything a woman can possibly want.
All she has to now is let bygones be bygones.
Maybe she was being delusional. Maybe she was seeing, hearing, and smelling imaginary things. Maybe Joe will be willing to forgive her if she apologizes properly. Her babies must be scared right now. They must be crying for their mommy. She has to get back home immediately. She is a mother and a wife. She has duties to fulfill and responsibilities to uphold. She made a sacred vow at the altar. She promised to be a faithful wife no matter what happens. She has already been through divorce once. She doesn't want to face its viciousness and ugliness again. But she's more than certain Joe cheated on her. She doesn't know if she has it in her to forgive and forget. Joe's betrayal is a slap on her face. All the things she has done to please him and make him happy. All the things she has done to please his family and make them happy. All the things she has done to please her mother and make her happy. All the things she has done in the name of love and happiness. Now she can't stop feeling stupid.
Stephanie sits alone inside the diner, stares into space and sees nothing. People around her are laughing and chatting. The aroma of food and coffee fills the air and makes everyone smiling. Quietly she finishes eating and pays her bill. She pushes the door open and steps on the street. She has been here before, she suddenly remembers. Years ago. When Grandma and Rex were both still alive and she was still a bounty hunter. For a late breakfast. With Ranger. And he paid the bill. She starts the car and pulls away from the curb. She had helped him lure a skip out of a bar the night before. Besides her usual fee, he'd also promised to treat her to breakfast. Stephanie looks straight ahead and smiles at the memory. And she almost cries the moment she thinks of Ranger's smiling face and his deep soft voice:
"Proud of you, babe."
Chapter 7: Liar Liar
Chapter 7
Liar Liar
He meets Bob's serene brown eyes and has to turn his face away. He hates feeling like a cheater. He is not a cheater. He made a mistake. It is an one time affair. And he sure as Hell is not the only one to blame. This is definitely not the dream life he used to picture. There was a time when he and Stephanie were both happy and contented. They would share a pizza or enjoy a couple meatball subs. They would drink beer, watch a ballgame on TV, and then have sex. He would make love to her while she was still soundly asleep. He would hook a finger into her collar, whisper something dirty and then peek at her breast. She would laugh and blush. She would moan in her dream. They had everything they needed. That was all they ever needed. He would use her mother as leverage. She would tell him his Grandma was a crazy witch. She would always give in to "Bob misses you", "The boys miss you" and the ever so seductive "Cupcake". But ever since they got married things started to change. She misses her old crazy life. She wants all her old friends back. She doesn't like staying home fulfilling her duties as his wife. She hates his mother, his sister and his whole family. She bitches about everything. She finds fault in everything he does. She's never happy or satisfied.
Sometimes even her children fail to make her smile. And she has lost a lot of her appeal.
So who can blame him for getting tired? Who can blame him for what he did? It takes two to tango, does it not? Sooner or later she will be back. It's not like she has anywhere to go. Her mother will, as always, take his side. Her sister and friends have their own lives. She will worry about the kids. She will worry about Bob. She won't want a divorce. She will come back to him. She will eventually let go. They will move on together. They have to make it work for the sake of the kids. They are both grown up and mature. And truth be told, it's not like they have another choice.
He pats his sobbing son gently on the back. He wipes the child's face clean. He puts the exhausted boy to bed. His little girl won't talk to him. He goes downstairs, watches TV for an hour and drinks another beer. He waits for another hour. Bob is now asleep. The living room floor is still a mess. Toys, story books and half-eaten snacks still scatter everywhere. He thinks about calling Stephanie. He thinks about waking JJ up and making the boy call Stephanie. He feels hungry. He's still angry. He loses his patience. He speed-dials Pino's and places his order. A commercial comes up and all of a sudden he thinks of Tiffany(Or Tammy, or something). He thinks of Terry and then smiles. He misses Terry. He hasn't seen her in ages. He always has a thing for blonde curvy women.
Why the Hell did he end up with Stephanie?
Chapter 8: Fire Dancer
Chapter 8
Fire Dancer
Stephanie leaves the car in the parking lot and walks into the park. She sits down on a bench. The sun is bright and the weather is cheerful. She can hear children laughing and dogs barking from afar. She looks ahead and takes in scenery. The happy relaxed atmosphere around her feels totally unreal. She has no one to call and nowhere to go. Everyone has their own lives and problems. She 's all alone. She's on her own. Mary Lou. Val. Eddie. Carl. Big Dog. She wonders why they are still happily married after all these years. Are they really happy? Or are they just pretending? Do they still love each other? Or do they kiss and make love out of habit? Are children really a plus? Or are they nothing but burden and obligation? She knows she loves her babies with all her heart, so why does she wish she's still single and carefree from time to time? Why does she still have regret and remorse? What's the purpose of her existence? What's the meaning of her life? Being a mother? Being a daughter? Being a wife? Smile on cue? Be pleasant and polite? Learn to accept your limitation and cope with your disappointment like everyone else? She has made her decision and chosen her path. She has taken her mother's advice and picked the road most travelled. And where the Hell she is now? She's lost, she's hurt, and she feels like crying. And she knows perfectly clear her tears won't solve or change anything. Her problems won't go away or disappear. She's still married with two kids.
And her husband has cheated on her.
She knew all along she couldn't be a bounty hunter forever. At some point of time she would have to quit. She needed a better health insurance. She needed some stability in life. She needed money. She needed food and groceries. She was afraid of loneliness. Ranger was like the wind and he didn't do stupid things. And Joe was always there. They were happy once. They shared pizzas and beer. They fought and had made-up sex. They were thrilled to be parents. They thought they finally had their Happily Ever After. How naïve they were. They are too much alike. They are too different. They basically want the same things. They have totally different goals and approaches. Soon Joe lost his patience. She got bored and lost her smile. And then all that was left was the bitterness of everyday life.
"Stephanie? Are you alright?"
She looks up and sees Lucille, Vinnie's wife. She smiles back and tries to think of things to say. The two of them have known each other for years, but they are never really close. Lucille is a mystery to the Plum family. She comes from a very different world. Her father is a well-known mob boss; her mother was the only daughter of a wealthy and respected old Boston family. Nobody knows how Mary O'Hara ended up marrying Harry "The Hammer" Butler. They only know Harry has been grieving his wife's death for more than thirty years. A smile breaks on Stephanie's face as Lucille's pug and poodle look up at her curiously. She bends down to pat the dogs as Lucille sits down next to her. And the question blurts out of her mouth before she has a chance to stop it. Her voice sounds feeble and weak:
"Why do you stay with Vinnie? Why didn't you get a divorce?"
Lucille thinks for a second and turns to face Stephanie. She doesn't appear to be surprised or angry. It seems that she has been expecting this question for a long, long time. "Vinnie is not perfect. But he's not a bad man." She pats Stephanie's hand gently. The tone of her voice is relaxed and pleasant. "He has many faults. He has made a lot of mistakes. He cheats on me all the time. But I am not perfect, either. I too have made many mistakes. I can't give him kids. And no matter what, he always gives me what I want. He always comes back to me. I guess we love each other in our own ways, Stephanie. But it doesn't mean you have to put up with Joe. If that's what you are really asking."
Stephanie widens her eyes in stunned surprise and Lucille simply laughs. "I am not a mind reader. It's just that people keep saying Joe is a Morell, and the Morelli men are not noted for being loyal to their wives. It's in their blood. It's a family curse. Look at Joe's history. Everyone knows about him and Terry. Everyone knows what kind of man he used to be. And we all know the two of you have been having problems for years." Lucille stops and looks at Stephanie straight in the eyes. She's into her fifties. She isn't exactly pretty or attractive. But there's something about her that reminds Stephanie of the young smart beautiful energetic Rozie O'Hara. "Stay with Joe and try to forgive him if you really love him and can't live without him. Stay married for your own sake. Not for your mother. Not for the kids. Not for what everyone else thinks. And if you really can't forgive him, you'd better start planning a future without him before it's too late. Do whatever makes you happy. Your children won't be happy if you are miserable."
Stephanie stays seated on the bench long after Lucille is gone. Her head is a mess. A part of her wants to go back to Bob and the kids and pretend nothing has happened. A part of her wants to slap Joe again and kick him out onto the street. A part of her wants to jump back in the car, drive to the end of the world and leave everything behind. Let Joe worry about Bob. Let Joe take care of the kids. Let Joe wash the dishes, vacuum and mop the floor, do the laundry, and take out the garbage. Let Joe fool around. Let Joe go find the woman he truly wants. Let Joe trick another stupid woman into marriage. Let Joe cheat on her when she puts on some weight and loses her charm. She needs to be happy. She deserves to be happy. She wants to have her life back and be happy. She wants to stop thinking about everyone else. She wants to concentrate on herself. She wants another chance.
She takes a long breath and stands up. She gets back into the car and turns on her cell phone. She's about to start the engine when her phone starts to ring. "Mommy!" She hears her son crying. "Where are you? I'm hungry!" And her heart breaks into little pieces.
Chapter 9: Dangerous Game
Chapter 9
Dangerous Game
Of course he did it on purpose. He's a little greedy. He's a little selfish. He's just another ordinary average man. He doesn't want anything to change. He wants to keep his family intact. He doesn't want too much trouble. He doesn't want any drama. He wants Stephanie to come back, do her job, and take care of the kids. He has an important but sadly under-appreciated job. He has better use of his time. He is a busy man. He sits there watching JJ crying into the phone. He knows Stephanie will be torn. He feels guilty and a little ashamed. But he can't admit what he did. He can't admit that he has cheated on Stephanie. He doesn't want people to look at him and smirk. He doesn't want to hear them say behind his back:"Well, he's a Morelli. What do you expect?" He just wants to put last night behind him. He just wants a hot home-cooked dinner. He just wants to enjoy a relaxed evening. He just wants some peace and quiet. Is that too much to ask?
Alright, he made a stupid, careless mistake. But how much does he have to pay for that? It's but a one-night stand. He doesn't even know that woman's name. And he's pretty sure she has no idea who he is. He's married with two kids. He's a well-respected police detective. He's good at what he does. He seldom gets drunk. He almost never gambles. He has never raised his hand to his wife or kids. He has broken the family curse. He has his share of unfulfilled dreams and longings. He has ambitions and hopes and wishes and fears. He tries not to step out of line. He always follows the rules. So why can't Stephanie just give him a break and pretend everything is just fine and perfect? He deserves to be forgiven. He deserves a second chance. He was lost in a momentary weakness. That's all.
Joe Morelli looks up and meets Rose Maria's soft brown eyes. He knows his precious little princess is still upset when she doesn't return his smile. She's just like Stephanie, he secretly sighs. Stubborn, headstrong, and willful. He already feels sorry for the boys who are going to fall for her. Hopefully she will be smart enough not to follow anyone into some dark dirty garage or give herself to some bad boy on a hard cold floor. He wants his daughter to be happy. He wants her to meet the right kind of boys. He watches JJ put down the phone, his heart aching at the sight of the child's teary face.
"Daddy! I want Mommy!" The boy wails and once again bursts into tears, and it doesn't take long for his sister to join him.
The sky has already darkened. Joe Morelli sits on the couch with his head in his hands. Both his children are crying pitifully. There's no dinner on the table. He has no idea where his wife is. He made a mistake. A fucking small meaningless mistake. How much is he going to pay for it?
Chapter 10: Queen Of Denial
Chapter 10
Queen Of Denial
Stephanie wishes she knows which way to go. The way home is on the right. It is late. She is hungry. She is tired. She's worrying about the kids. She can still hear JJ's tears. She wants to be home. she wants to hug her babies tight. But she doesn't want to give in. She doesn't want to see the triumphant satisfied smile on Joe's face. She doesn't want him to think he won. She doesn't know if she can ever forget and forgive him. She only knows her life will never be the same. She has been cheated on by her husband again. First Dickie. Now Joe. Both times she married for love and a happy life. Both times she ended up being betrayed. She has done her best. She has done all she can. Maybe she has been wrong for all these years: Marriage is just not for her. She is better off alone. She made the same mistake twice. She put her trust in the wrong men. Now she is a mother of two. She can't just walk away from her trainwreck of a marriage again. She is not free anymore. She can no longer fly. She has to think about her children. She has lost her wings. She thinks of Lucille's words. She knows what Lucille said is true. She can't put on a smile and pretend. She has been hurt too deeply. She will want to get revenge. She will pick fights and say hateful things. Joe will lose his temper and fight back.
An unhappy marriage will eventually hurt the kids.
But the kids need their father.
Stephanie is torn. What to do? Which way to go? Go home? Or divorce? The easier and more popular path? Or the more satisfying path? Does she really want a divorce? Is this her anger talking? Is she willing to go through all those troubles? How is she going to afford a lawyer? The house is registered under Joe's name. Can she just kick him out? Can she find another job? What will her mother say? What will Joe's mother say? She doesn't have any proof. She doesn't expect Joe to confess and tell the truth. He will keep on denying everything. He will say she's crazy. He will make it look like she's crazy. Everyone will believe him. Everyone will take his side. He's a cop. He knows that kind of stuff. He has many friends. He knows how to lie.
But he did cheat on her.
He's a Morelli.
It's his family curse...
Maybe it's just a one-time affair? Maybe it's just a stupid mistake? Maybe she overreacted? Maybe he feels regret? Maybe he will never do it again? The kids won't have to go through it. The kids won't be affected. The kids will be happy. Everything will be just the same. Nothing has to change. All she has to do is smile and pretend. Everybody will be happy. She will have to share the same bed with him. She will have to share the same bed with that faceless woman. The three of them will sleep together. Every night. For the rest of her life. The three of them will wake up together. Every morning. For the rest of her life. They will share the bathroom. They will shower together. They will eat on the same table. They will sit on the same couch watching the same movie and the same ball game. She will always see her in Joe's eyes. She will always sense her existence in their everyday life. She will always be there. She will never ever go away. There will always be doubts. There will no longer be trust.
Can she live with that?
Would she rather die?
Can her children be happy if she is miserable?
Can their family stay intact when everything is wrong and every smile is false?
Will Joe cheat on her again?
Can she forgive and forget?
Can she live with herself?
Can she stay sane?
Is this the life she wants? Is this the life she deserves? Where's the love? Where's the happiness? What happened to the vows? Where did all this loneliness come from? Is this how you feel when your heart breaks? What should she do? Where can she go? Once again Stephanie breaks down and cries. She cries for her kids. She cries for her life. She cries for her memories. She cries for herself. She cries for all the men she once loved. She cries for the man she still loves. She cries in remorse. She cries in regret. She cries in pain. She cries in ache. She ignores her phone. She ignores the world. She wishes she can turn back the clock. She wishes she can undo her mistakes.
But deep down within, she knows they are but empty wishes. They don't mean a thing.
Chapter 11: Lonely Road
Chapter 11
Lonely Road
"Stephanie?"
Someone taps at the window and Stephanie recognizes the familiar voice. She looks up and sees through tears Lula's smiling worried face. She hasn't seen Lula for weeks. They chat on phones every once in awhile, talking aimlessly about kids, pets, and other everyday stuff. Lula and Tank got married four years ago. A year later they adopted a child and named him after Tank's Grandpa George. They now live in a newly developed nice and safe neighborhood; their house is HUGE and has a fenced in backyard. At the beginning Lula had to take allergy shots for cats on a regular basis, and then one day she just woke up and stopped being allergic to cats. Up to today, nobody is really sure what happened, so everyone just categorizes it as a medical miracle. The last time they talked, Lula told her they were thinking about adding a little girl to their big happy family, and Stephanie felt so happy for her friend. Lula is currently sporting a Michelle Obama hairdo. Nicki Minaj pink, of course. She has quit her job at the bonds office and is now a full-time mom, and motherhood becomes her. Tank is a good husband. Little George loves cats and adores his Daddy, and who knows Tank is also such a great cook.
"Is there something wrong, White Girl?" Lula's voice is gentle and full of concern. "What are you doing here by yourself at this hour?"
Stephanie takes a ragged breath and tries to smiles as she thinks of the adventures the two of them shared, but there's no way she can hide her tears. She wants to keep all her problems to herself. But she also wants to have a shoulder to cry on. Tank and Lula had a small intimate wedding. The ceremony was lovely and the food and music were great. Stephanie knows most of the guests. It's the first time she saw Ranger and Rozie together. They looked so perfect together that her heart shattered a little bit more. She always thought Ranger would stay single forever. She always thought there wouldn't be anyone else like her in Ranger's life. Rozie's younger and smarter than she is. Rozie's also prettier and a better bounty hunter. And Ranger actually laughed softly at her joke. Stephanie had to turn her face away quickly before her tears escaped. She went to the wedding alone. She and Joe were going through yet another rough patch at that time, and all the anger, sorrow, regrets and stress were choking her. She nearly broke apart when she saw the sympathy and understanding in Connie's eyes.
Connie still remains single. She has gone through several boyfriends and decides it's better to be single and happy. And of all her families, friends and acquaintances, Connie's the one who understands Stephanie's dilemma the most. She knows Joe and the Morellis well. Too well.
"Joe didn't come home last night. He cheated on me. I smelled her perfume when he came back in the morning." The words blurt out on their own. Stephanie suddenly feels tired and fragile. She's hurting. She's stupid and pathetic. She's crying and bleeding inside. She should have known a long time ago. She should have foreseen this day. But instead she chose to build her life upon impractical dreams and false expectations. She gave in. She caved. Now her worst nightmare has come true. She got what she deserves. She's married with two kids. Her in-laws are a nasty handful. She has just gotten cheated on. She's unhappy with herself and everything in her life. She needs to run away from all of this or she will die of this unbearable pain. "I want a divorce."
"Oh my God! That cheating rat bastard!" Lula screeches in fury and holds Stephanie's hand tightly. "I'm so gonna kill him with my own hands! I'll kick his hairy ass!"
"I want a divorce." Stephanie hears herself saying amid broken sobs as Lula hugs her through the car window. She wants to get her life back. She wants to get her smile and happiness back. She wants to get herself back. She misses her friends. She misses her old life. She misses all the fun she used to have. But most of all, she misses Ranger and his almost smile. She knows she's a mother now. She has responsibilities to her children. She needs to protect them and take the best care of them. But she can't keep on living like this. Not anymore. "I want a divorce."
Chapter 12: True Colors
Chapter 12
True Colors
"Joe, don't make things worse." Eddie Gazarra's voice sounds tired and calm. Nobody likes to be caught in between, but he doesn't have a choice. Stephanie is not only his wife's cousin but also a very good friend of his. Divorce is never a pretty sight and things almost always end up ugly. He really doesn't want to see anyone, especially the children, get hurt. He has to help.
"I know the house is in your name. But she's still your wife and the kids need their mother. You can't just kick her out." You're the one who cheated, you bastard. Gazarra silently adds. He hasn't seen any proof but he believes Stephanie. He knows how hard she's been struggling to make things work. She wouldn't lie about this. And Joe is, well, a Morelli. They all know it's just a matter of when. He wasn't even surprised when he received Lula's call.
"Just go, okay? Find somewhere to stay and let things cool down for a couple days. You both need time to think. You will find a way to work things out." Gazarra says in his most reasonable voice. Behind him his partner, a newbie from Hoboken, keeps his silence and watches on a bit nervously. They can all hear the kids crying upstairs. Bob the Dog keeps whimpering. Stephanie is crying, too. They can also hear Lula walk around upstairs like a tigress guarding her young.
Lula has lost her fear for cops and police stations over the years. She accompanied Stephanie home and immediately intervened when Morelli lost his temper and said things that shouldn't be said. She stepped between the two of them, called 911 to report domestic violence, and then called her husband. And the two RangeMan cars arrived before Gazarra and his partner did. Now all the neighbors are watching and straining to hear and the words are out. Soon it will become a circus and things will get out of hand quickly if they are not careful. "Come on, Joe. You're scaring the children." Gazarra says as he thinks of a younger happier Stephanie.
She used to believe in love and magic. She used to smile and laugh a lot. She used to dream. She used to be happy. His wife likes her. His kids loves her. He has no idea what went wrong. It seems that something terrible and unknown has sucked her life away and drained her happiness. She's not the Stephanie he used to know. She's full of anger, full of sadness, full of frustration, and full of regrets. And he wants to make things right and help her to be happy again. He wants to see her roll her eyes and shrug it off when people make fun of her. He wants to see her stand up from where she fell. He wants to see her square her shoulders and keep going forward with her chin up. He hates to hear her cry. He hates to see her tears. He wants to punch Morelli in the face and kick him in the balls. But he has to suppress his anger and fulfill his duty as a law enforcement officer.
Joe Morelli clenches his fists and jaw and takes a deep breath. Lula appears at the bottom of the stairs with two duffel bags and drops them on the floor. Gazarra says as his young partner holds the door wild open. "Come on, Joe. Don't make things worse." JJ is still crying. People are still watching. Morelli runs a hand through his hair, picks up the bags and walks out of the door.
"I'll get someone to change the locks." Lula takes out her phone and says to no one in particular as Morelli's car pulls away. "You guys want some coffee or something to eat? I'm so hungry I can eat a whole Elephant. The kids are hungry, too."
Her cool practicalness makes Eddie Gazarra smile. "Sure, if that's not too much bother."
Chapter 13: Troubled Water
Chapter 13
Troubled Water
"Stephanie." Helen Plum sighs into the phone and tries her best to keep her voice even and calm as she feels a headache building behind her eyes. "What were you thinking? You are a mother now. You have to think about your family and put them first. Your children need their father. Do you understand? Don't make a fuss out of nothing. You have a life ahead of you. Don't throw it away like the last time. Joe is a good man. I'm sure there must be some mistake."
And even if it's not a mistake, Joe is a Morelli, and the Morellis don't do divorce. Stephanie will always be the rightful and only Mrs. Joseph A. Morelli and the wedding ring will stay on her hand. The other woman is just an one-night stand, an one-time fling. She doesn't mean anything. She's nothing. Men all cheat. But at the end of the day, they all come back to their wives and kids. Well, most of them. It's not such a big deal, really. If it's not completely broken, don't fix it. Frank hasn't always been faithful to her. He met a woman in Vietnam and drifted away for a while. But here they are, still happily married after all these years, and that Asian woman is nothing but ancient history and a faraway faded memory. Just keep your mouth shut and keep your husband fed. They will come back to you eventually. They all did. Besides, Stephanie is not perfect. She has made some mistakes along the way. You can't blame Joe for feeling frustrated.
"Mother, I can't talk right now. I've got to go." Stephanie says into the phone and tries to hold back her tears. What did she expect from her mother exactly? She knew what her mother would say. She knew what her mother-in-law and sisters in-law would say. She knew Bella would call first thing in the morning to gave her the Eye. She knew Joe would deny everything and make her look like a crazy bitch. She knew her children would be scared. But still she made the decision. She had no other choice. She can't live in a lie. She deserves better than this. She deserves happiness. She will be lying if she says she's not scared. She didn't sleep much last night; she kept thinking of the worst possible scenarios; she couldn't and still can't stop worrying about the grim future ahead. Where can she find a good lawyer? How can she afford a good lawyer? What if Joe loses it and does something stupid and extreme? What if she doesn't get the custody of the children? She hasn't worked in ages. Can she find a job now? Can she support herself and the kids? And all she wants is her own mother's support. Or some comfort. Or a kind word. Or a little understanding. Is that too much to ask?
"I don't know what you saw in Joe." Valerie takes a sip of her coffee and quietly says. She came over in the morning with breakfast and pies, and right now Albert and the girls are watching a Disney movie with JJ and Rose Maria in the living room. "Yes, he's good-looking and attractive, but he's a Morelli. And the Morelli men are not husband material. They never are. Look at his father and uncles. Look at his brother and cousins. They are charming and fun to be with. They know how to talk you out of your panties. And they cheat. They all cheat. I don't know why you are always so obsessed with him. Mom warned you about him. Shirley warned you about him. I warned you about him. But you followed him to his father's garage anyway. You let him in after the bakery was closed. You hooked up with him after you got divorced. You couldn't stop fighting with him. You kept going back to him. You couldn't live under the same roof with him for over three months. And then you chose to marry him.
"Don't let what Mom said get to you if you have already made up your mind. She will get over it sooner or later. It's your life. Albert knows a couple divorce lawyers. I can ask around too if you want." Valerie reaches over the kitchen table and takes hold of Stephanie hand. "Just make sure this is what you really want. We both know divorce is a torture. Not only for us, but for the kids, too. It's not too late. There's still time. You can forgive him and take him back. You can give him and yourself another chance if you still love him. Whatever your decision is, I'll stand by your side. You are not alone."
Stephanie tries to smile but instead her eyes tear up. She took off her wedding when she woke up this morning. She couldn't help staring at the ring of paler skin. The promise of happiness. The vow of loyalty. The shattering of a sweet impossible dream. No. Everything won't be okay. Everything has changed. What's the point taking Joe back if she can no longer trust him? She and Joe have known each other for ages, but sometimes she thinks she doesn't really know him. And right now at this moment, she's not even sure if she really loves him. She suddenly feels like she has been chasing after a shadow. She has been fantasized by an illusion. Everything is a lie. Nothing is real. And she doesn't wanna live this way. Not anymore.
"Thanks, Val." Stephanie croaks. Her sister is right. It's her life. Not anyone else's. She has made up her mind, and there will be no turning back.
Chapter 14: Lights Out
Chapter 14
Lights Out
Joe Morelli stares at the divorce papers in his hand. Child support. Custody. Alimony. And she wants the house, too. His house. He lets out a sharp bark of laughter, his face contorting a little bit. Wake up, Cupcake. Life is no fairy tale. Does she think he's that stupid? Is she mad, delusional, or what? He has been staying with his mother for the past two months. He has been trying very hard to give her space and time to cool down. He has been trying his best to refrain himself. He has done everything he can. But still she wants a divorce. She wants his house and she has already changed the locks. He can't even enter his own house or take his own children out for ice cream or pizza without her permission. And she got herself a lawyer in no time at all. A lawyer from a fancy law firm in Manhattan, as a matter of fact. Where did she find the lawyer? How can she afford a lawyer? How is she going to pay the bill? Where is she going to get the money? Who is she going to borrow from? Well, silly question. It's quite obvious, isn't it?. Who else but her rich old friend? Her mentor. Her Men of Mystery. Her Batman. What makes her think he'll sign the divorce papers? What make her think he's not ready to fight in court? He has done nothing wrong. Nothing. Nothing that can be proved, anyway.
"I'm not going to sign this shit." He tosses the divorce papers onto the table with a thud and narrows his eyes at Stephanie's imbecile of a brother-in-law. Albert the Clown blinks nervously and pales immediately. They both think of the time when Morelli pulled out his gun, pointed it at Kloughn and ordered him to shut up. Ah, the good old days. He allows himself a small smile as the thin bald middle-aged bored-looking lawyer from the Big Apple takes a stack of photos out of a manila envelope and push them across the table.
"You may want to rethink your choice, Mr. Morelli." The lawyer says in a surprisingly pleasant voice. However, his smile never reaches his pale green eyes. "Take your time."
Joe Morelli flicks through the photos and turns pale. The photos are of him and that curvy blonde woman. He still can't remember her name. They were kissing and touching each other in the bar's parking lot. They were kissing and undressing each other at the entrance of her apartment building. He was leaving the apartment building in broad daylight. They were kissing, laughing at the camera, and having sex with different positions at the same time. His vision becomes a blur as the not at all shark-like lawyer calmly continues:
"It seems that you and Miss Sinclair agreed to take some intimate pictures as keepsakes that night, Mr. Morelli. Of course we can take this to court and let the judge decide, but why waste everybody's time and money? Let's keep it simple and get it over with. We have to think of the children, don't you agree, Detective?"
Joe Morelli clenches his jaw and fists as his eye starts to twitch. He wants to fight. He hates losing. He's never afraid to take his chances. So he cheated on Stephanie. So what? It's just an one-night stand, an one-time fling. It doesn't mean anything. That woman, Tiffany or Tammy or Amy Sinclair, is nothing. Every man cheats. They all cheat. his father cheated on his mother. His uncles cheated on his aunts. His elder brother Anthony can't stop cheating on his poor wife even if they all know he truly loves her. It's not such a big deal. Anthony always goes back to his wife and kids. They all did. The other women will become nothing but ancient history and faraway faded memories. And it wasn't all his fault. He's not the only one to blame. Stephanie is not perfect, either. She, too, has made tons and tons of stupid mistakes. But she has never ever cheated on him. She took her wedding vows seriously. She has been betrayed once before and she never gets over it.
He keeps his eyes away from Albert Kloughn. And as if on cue Albert swallows audibly and timidly says: "Joe, please don't make things worse. Think of JJ. Think of Rose Maria. Think of Stephanie. She loved you. She chose you. She trusted you. They all trusted you. Stop hurting Stephanie. Give her a chance to move on and heal. Maybe one day she will be able to forgive you. It's the best way to make up for your mistake. You broke your wedding vows. You have to pay the price. You betrayed her trust. It's only fair. Please."
The tense uncomfortable silence drags on for a couple minutes. Joe Morelli looks up toward the ceiling and wonders how Albert affords an office like this. Maybe he's actually a better lawyer than people think? Maybe he really is talented and good at what he does for a living? Or maybe he's just lucky? He grasps hold of the pen and signs the divorce papers without further thinking. He pushes back the chair, stands up, and leaves. He doesn't want his kids to think of him as the bad guy. He remembers how much he wanted to prove to the world he wasn't like his father. He once believed he had broken the family course. He won the girl and achieved his dreams. He lost the girl and now his dreams are busted. He just wants to be happy. He just made a simple foolish mistake. He just couldn't bring himself to get down on his knees and beg for her forgiveness. He has his pride and she's not perfect.
He gets into his car and starts the engine. He raises his hands to grab hold of the wheel and freezes as his eyes fall on his wedding ring. Suddenly he feels like crying. He just wants to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
Chapter 15: Falling Stars
Chapter 15
Falling Stars
The disappointment in Helen Plum's eyes is driving Stephanie crazy.
She now works part-time at Albert and his associate's office. She really likes her job as secretary and receptionist. The money is not that much, but she gets to leave the house and meet people. In more than one way it reminds her of her life as a bounty hunter. Most Saturday mornings Joe will show up at her door at 9:00 sharp to take Rosa Maria and JJ out for the day. He pays child support and alimony on time and spoils the kids with ice cream, soda, pizza, and cupcakes. And sometimes when the weather is nice, he will take Bob with them, and Stephanie will spend the day on her own. She has been cut off by the Morelli family. But that's OK. She never really likes them to begin with. She recently bought a Kindle and downloaded a lot of free or bargain books. She enjoys reading and loves her new-found freedom. From time to time she gets together with Connie and Lula. Every Friday evening she brings the kids to her parents' for dinner.
Her parents' house is quieter than it used to be. Her father never talks much, and Grandma Mazur's absence is still deafening even after all these years. Stephanie miss Grandma terribly. She doesn't know how to make her mother understand. Of course she knows life is not a game. Of course she knows life is not easy. She's not stupid or naïve. No one can say Joe is a lousy father, but nothing can ever change the fact that he cheated on her. No, they are never getting back together. Not even for the sake of the children. Especially for the sake of the children. Some things can't be forgiven. Some things can't be forgotten. And she's not interested in finding another man. She's done with marriage. She's done with relationship. Right now she just wants to concentrating on being a mother. She needs to take good care of her children. She needs to take good care of Bob. She needs to take good care of herself. She's in her forties. She's no longer young. She has done plenty of stupid things. She has made too many painful mistakes. She has wasted too much time. Now she just wants to rebuild and restart her life. She wants to be happy. She knows she deserves to be happy. She knows she made the right decision. She knows she's doing the right thing. But still the resigned look in her mother's eyes makes her sad and a little bit mad.
She wishes she can find a way to make Helen understand. She wishes she can tell Helen what she thinks and how she feels. But she's afraid that as soon as she opens her mouth to speak, she will burst into tears. She needs to stay strong. She doesn't want to show her weakness in front of the kids. She hates feeling helpless. And she has a feeling that no matter how hard she tries, her mother will never ever understand. They may be mother and daughter, but they are too different, and never want the same things. And Joe never apologizes for what he did. He acts as if she's a mad woman and he doesn't owe her anything. They barely even talk.
Stephanie pours some gravy on top of the mashed potatoes and starts eating. She listens half-heartedly to the conversation around the table. All her kids and nieces love their Grandma's cooking. Frank is very happy with the pot roast. Albert and Val are thinking about buying a bigger house. Mary Alice has a new boyfriend. JJ can't wait for the baseball season to begin: Joe has promised to take him to a Yankees game. Both Helen and Rosa Maria are exceptionally quiet tonight. The little girl is still struggling to learn to cope with the changes in her life. Stephanie can't help feeling a bit guilty about it.
C'est la vie. A little voice in Stephanie's head silently says as she looks up from her plate and meets her mother's eyes. Embrace the changes. Stay true to yourself. Don't dwell in the past. So she swallows the sudden sadness and gives her mother a brave tiny smile. It's her life. It's her decision. It's her happiness. It's her choice. She has chosen to let go. She has chosen to move on. She has chosen to be her own master. Whether her mother approves or not.
She's no longer Stephanie Morelli. She's Stephanie Plum.
~The End~
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Frozen
Warning: Controversial and most probably unpleasant theme.
Harmful for the Cupcakes.
Stephanie Plum made a decision and stopped being the Queen of Denial after a big mistake, and tried to put her life back together.
Theme Song : Frozen by Madonna.
Chapter 1: Frozen
Stephanie nodded. The care and concern in Lula's voice warmed her heart. She was glad she had Lula as a friend. She could use some moral support now. She had finally made up her mind last night. It was for the best. For once she was going to hold her own fate in her hands and control her life. She was an adult, no longer a child. She had to take responsibility for her choices and mistakes. Maybe someday she would have remorse and regrets. But she had to concentrate on "now". She had a life to live, a job to do, and a dream to fulfill. She couldn't afford to take a wrong step here. The price would be too high.
"Oh, Stephanie." Lula hugged her tightly and tried not to cry. "I hate it when life is such a nasty bitch."
Stephanie closed her eyes and gently patted her friend on the back. She was not surprised that her tears didn't come. For the first time in a long, long while, she felt strangely calm and certain of herself. So this is what it feels like being a mature grown-up. Stephanie smiled and thought to herself as Lula wiped away her tears. Soon the nurse came out and beckoned at her. She stood up, took a deep breath and let go of Lula's hand. She followed the nurse into the room. She could feel Lula's teary eyes on her back. But she didn't slow down or turn around.
1.5 hours later Stephanie was home alone lying in her bed. They had stopped at a McDonald's on the drive back. She could smell the cheeseburger and fries. But she still had no appetite. She felt no pain or discomfort. And she felt no guilt. What had to be done was done. She would worry about the consequence when she was in the mood or had the time. She placed a hand on her stomach and let out a sigh. She didn't know why, but she was somewhat happy and relieved that she wouldn't give birth to Joe Morelli's child.
Chapter 2: Broken
She didn't want to stay home taking care of her husband while socializing with all the neighbors and be nice to countless in-laws. She didn't want to always walk with her chin up and smile her courteous yet distant smile at everyone else. She didn't want to learn to cook pasta, spaghetti, risotto, lasagna and meat loaf. She didn't want to go to church. She didn't want to become a member of PTA. She didn't want to spend her life running around after giggling, screaming children. She didn't want to be a housewife. She didn't want to be a stay-home mom. She didn't want to live off her husband. She didn't want to quit her job. She didn't want to work part-time at a bakery or the button factory when her kids became older. She didn't wan to do the laundry and dishes. She didn't want to become like Joe's mother, aunts, sister, cousins and Grandma Bella. She didn't want to become like her own mother, aunts, sister, cousins and Grandma. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life trapped inside the tiny cozy lovely two-story house Joe's aunt left him.
Stephanie sat up and started eating in silence. She needed to get her strength back. She had made a huge mistake that night. She had thought it would be alright. She had thought a little fun wouldn't hurt anyone. She had ended up killing her own child. She wished she could go back in time and smack herself upside the back of her head. "Stop being a freaking idiot!" She wanted to yell at her stupid self. She finished her cold cheeseburger and soggy French fries. Still she hadn't shed a tear for her dead child.
Or for herself.
Chapter 3: Shattered
Stephanie got out of bed, quietly put the unpleasant thoughts and questions behind her and quickly got dressed. It was too early to turn on her phone. She padded into her tiny kitchen and carefully kept her eyes aways from the angry flashing red light on her answering machine. She was too hungry and too tired to deal with the outside world. She took a box of leftover pizza and macaroni & cheese from the refrigerator. Her eyes fell on the empty spot on the kitchen counter. Rex had been gone for 2 weeks now. But still she missed her little not exactly friendly pet hamster. The silence inside her apartment was so deafening that she wanted to cry. Or yell.
Would she make the same decision had the child been Ranger's? Stephanie took a bite of her brunch and asked herself. Would she want to keep the child? Would he want her to keep the child? Would they have their someday? Would their child look like Julie? Would he want her to have an abortion? Would she end up like Rachel: A steady stream of child support was all she could ever get. She wouldn't be able to keep his ring. She wouldn't be able to have his love. She wouldn't have an answer when her child ask her about Ranger...
Stop.
Wistful thinking. Stupid meaningless questions. Sternly Stephanie shook her head and berated herself. A total waste of energy and time. She hadn't seen Ranger or heard from him for a while. It'd always been one of the RangeMan crew who called whenever something happened to her car. It'd always been one of the RangeMan crew that arrived on the scene to check on her and deliver a new car. And she simply hadn't had the courage to go to Ranger's door and knock. Something had changed between them, she was sure of that. And she'd always known that she was not the woman he really needed or wanted.
She kept on chewing the pizza crust. No, she was not going to get another pet. She could hardly take care of herself. Once Rex had almost been killed by a bunch of manics because of her job, and there had been nothing she could do but cry her heart out. The sooner she got used to loneliness the better, she decided. It wouldn't be fair if another innocent life got hurt because of her.
She'd done enough harm.
Chapter 4: Silence
Great. Stephanie flipped through the files and almost laughed. She was getting more and more like her father. Keep your focus on your food. Pretend you can't see, can't hear, can't speak or feel. As long as you have your pot roast and mashed potatoes, nothing ever matters. Nothing. Maybe her father was actually a very wise man. Stephanie helped herself to a doughnut and a slice of pizza while Connie and Lula decided to share the last piece of fried chicken. She hadn't returned Joe's calls. Dealing with her mother's endless worries had exhausted all her energy. And she was not in the position to grant Joe what he wanted. Pizza, ball game, and a six pack. A night of some not so funny dirty jokes and marathon sex. Nothing more. Nothing new. Always the same. He indeed was handsome and good in bed. But maybe now was time to finally get bored.
It was no one's fault, really. She was just not family material. She was just never into children. Though she always wanted to live up to her mother's expectation. Though she always wanted to be better than her sister. Now she finally realized something was just impossible. There was no need to try. Stephanie ate another slice of the warm greasy pizza. She was glad to have her appetite back. And she no longer had that anguish nightmare. She wiped her fingers clean with a napkin. She tried not to think of the void, the emptiness within her being. It was her life. It was her choice. It was time to accept the truth and pay the price. Maybe one day she would have another child. Maybe one day she would find the meaning and purpose of her life. Until then, she would have to team up with Lula and go after whatever FTAs Vinnie threw her way. Her cell phone suddenly rang. From the ring tone she knew it was Joe. She turned off her phone and dropped it back into her bag. Connie raised her brows. Lula wolfed down another doughnut.
And Stephanie just shrugged.
Chapter 5: Pain
Lula had once told Connie and Stephanie that she'd thought about having a child, but her encounter with Benito Ramirez had rendered it an almost impossible task. So she had given up. Lula had casually said with a shrug. She could always try adoption if she settled down, got married and really wanted a child. But Stephanie couldn't forget the slight trace of longing and well-hidden disappointment in her friend's honey brown eyes. And she'd dragged Lula through the whole ordeal.
"You okay?" Lula frowned a little and asked.
"No!" The man half choked, half squeaked before Stephanie could say yeah.
"Jeez. Stop whining, will you?" Lula stood up and smoothed her skirt and hair after Stephanie cuffed the man. "None of this would've happened if you'd shown up in court on time."
"It wasn't my fault." The FTA protested weakly and suddenly started to weep like a helpless child. "My wife...my wife took off with my best friend. And she...she texted me that she wanted a divorce."
So they stopped on the way to TPD and bought Jerry Newman—the 45-years-old white male who had been arrested for DUI—ice cream, coffee, and a couple doughnuts to calm him down. They felt so sorry for him. Stephanie walked him into the police station while Lula waited in the RangeMan SUV. Stephanie exchanged greetings and jokes with the uniformed officers. She assured Jerry that Vinnie would arrive shortly to bail him out again. She got her receipt from the front desk officer. She accepted a free doughnut and bade everyone goodbye. Both she and Lula exhaled a sigh of relief when she stepped out of the front door of TPD and got in the car.
Thank God Morelli was not around.
Chapter 6: Coldness
Plain vanilla base. Gooey chocolate buttercream. And colored sprinkles. She was first confined within the baking mould and then the stiff decorative wrapper. She was light and fluffy, sweet and airy, just like all the other cupcakes on the racks. They all looked different but tasted almost the same. But she and felt empty inside. One by one they got picked up and devoured. None of them struggled or made a sound. They just silently disappeared without a trace. She sat there and quietly waited. For her turn. For her fate. For her end. Suddenly she felt the grasp of a hand. She tried to squeal but found that she didn't have a voice. The huge gaping mouth drew near. The sharp teeth bit down, cracked her skull and snapped her spine—
Stephanie woke up abruptly. She was alone in her narrow bed, her heart thumping in her chest. She was bathed in cold sweat. Her bedroom is dark and cold, and she could almost taste the pain. She sat up, and finally got out of bed. She needed a cup of hot chocolate to calm her nerves. She leaned against her kitchen counter, nibbled at a cookie and sipped her chocolate. Her apartment seemed too big now that Rex was gone. Together she and Lula brought in all her skips. And her RangeMan car remained intact and unscratched. Somehow her mother was getting a little upset that she was driving one of Ranger's car. It seemed that all of a sudden it wasn't right to borrow a man's car when you were involved with someone else. Joe called, and called again. She couldn't ignore him for too much longer. They would have to talk. But about what? Should she tell him that she saw no bright future ahead? Or that she'd had an abortion and killed their child?
Stephanie softly laughed. Her voice sounded strange to her own ears. She was still not sure if she could handle Joe's trademark yelling and arms flailing routine right now. She was still feeling a little fragile and weak. And she had this unreasonable fear that she would start bleeding any time. She would probably go berserk should Joe look at her with his melted chocolate bedroom eyes and whisper huskily in her ear, "The boys miss you, Cupcake". Besides, she missed Ranger.
She knew she shouldn't pile her problems on Ranger's shoulders. But she'd love to have someone to lean on. Three times he had taken bullets for her or because of her. Once he had killed for her. And he'd always been there whenever she was in need of help. She longed to hear his voice. She longed to see his face. She longed to feel his warmth. But she couldn't bring herself to call him. He was a successful busy man. He had a company to run and a life to live. And she had caused him more than enough trouble over the years. Even Batman needed a break sometimes. And Ranger was just human. He could be harmed. He could be hurt. He could be killed. This time she had to deal with her life's problems on her own.
She washed her mug, brushed her teeth, went to sit on the couch and turned on the DVD. NO, she was not going to watch Ghostbusters again. Somehow she had grown tired of that in the previous month. She watched The Rock's Faster instead. She liked The Rock. He might not be Al Pacino or Robert De Niro, but there was something about him that reminded of Ranger and his Merry Men. And she loved his tattoo.
Stephanie sat in front of the TV till dawn. Some of her elderly neighbors woke up and started moving around. She stood up, stretched and yawned. She would have the talk with Joe tomorrow, she decided. The lock on her door clicked open and the security chain caught the moment she turned off the light and headed toward her bedroom.
"Cupcake? Steph?" Joe's voice sounded a little impatient and uncertain. "Come on, I know you are awake."
She closed her eyes and let out a sigh. How she wished she could run down the fire escape, drive all the way to RangeMan and hide in Ranger's bed with his blanket over her head. But she knew she had to do this on her own. She really had no other choice. "Just a minute." She finally called out, went back to her room and changed. She then pulled her hair into a ponytail and grabbed her shoulder bag. What had to be done must be done. But she would need the help a box of doughnuts and a pot of freshly brewed coffee. She opened the door and gave a small smile to her on-and-off boyfriend.
And it never hurt to have witnesses.
Chapter 7: Truth
"Cupcake—" Morelli reached out for her hand and raised his brows as Stephanie drew her hand away.
"Joe," She looked him in the eyes and calmly said. "I need to have my keys back."
He frowned in confusion, his mouth slightly open. She took a quick, deep breath and tried her best not to turn her eyes away. She knew him too well. She had to finish before his shock morphed into anger. "We don't have the same goals. We don't want the same things. I don't love you enough to change for you. And I can't be the mother of your kid. I won't be able to make that much sacrifice." She swallowed and softly added. "I don't want to. I just can't."
Around them people chatted and laughed quietly. The sweet scent of good coffee and fresh doughnuts lingered in the air. Stephanie fished Morelli's keys out of her bag and gently placed them on the table. The lines around his mouth hardened. She didn't know what else to say. She'd seen the slight disgust in his eyes when she'd headed toward the shining black RangeMan SUV in her parking lot. She was really not sure if her decision had anything to do with her feelings for Ranger. But she hoped Joe wouldn't get Ranger into this mess.
"You are not thinking straight." The flatness and blankness in Morelli's voice startled her. He locked his eyes on his keys and didn't bother to look at her. "You have no idea what you need. You have no idea what you want. You want this; you want that. You want to break up; You want to get back together. And you change your mind all the time." He fell silent for a long moment and then stood up. His eyes narrowed. His teeth clenched. He headed toward the door and said over his shoulder. His untouched coffee, doughnuts, and keys remained on the table. "I've got to go to work. We'll talk when you're sober."
"Joe, I mean it. It's over. We are over." Stephanie's clear but shaky voice cut through the noise and everyone and everything stopped. But she paid the gaping faces and stunned silence no heed. "I need my keys back. Please." Joe Morelli froze. Disbelief and frustration radiated off his lean muscled frame. Slowly he turned around to look at her. Suddenly she felt so tired. Maybe she didn't really need her keys. Maybe she could simply change her locks. Maybe she was being selfish. Maybe she really loved him. But apparently she didn't love him enough to feel the need commit herself. To his family. To his life style. To his dreams and wants and needs. To him. And now, right at this moment, somehow she knew Joe could see the truth clearly through her eyes.
They were not meant to be together.
She was deeply in love with someone else, even though that someone else might not want or need or love her.
It was over between them. All over.
Chapter 8: Sadness
But what a price she had paid. Stephanie looked straight into Morelli's eyes and suddenly felt old and sad. He would never know about their unborn child. He would never be able to hold the child in his arms while it—he-she—grasped his finger. She knew how much he hated being fooled. She'd never meant to hurt him. But she could never tell him the truth. "I'm sorry, Joe. I'm really, really sorry. But this is not going to work." Stephanie finally said. And I have killed our kid to free myself.
Joe Morelli stood there staring at Stephanie, his handsome face dark with suppressed anger. He so wanted to march toward Stephanie, grab her shoulders, and bruise her lips with a long, passionate, punishing kiss. He so wanted to turn around, walk away, and kick Stephanie out of his life. He was so mad that he wanted to laugh. Somehow Stephanie had managed to hurt his pride. She hadn't even said she wanted them to stay friends. She hadn't even said he would always have a special place in her heart. She hadn't even said a part of her would always love him. She just wanted to have her keys back. She just wanted him out of her life. As if the fact that he was her first didn't count. As if what they had between them was nothing and meaningless. A part of him hated her for being so calm. A part of him loved her for being so cold. A part of him just wanted to get the Hell out of here and pray it was all a dream. All of a sudden he had no idea if he truly loved Stephanie. He knew for a fact that he wanted her in his bed. But he was no longer certain of his feelings for her. Love? Lust? Want? Desire? Carelessness? Or loneliness? Was it worth so much effort? Was she worth so much trouble? Was he willing to pay the price? Was he ready to take her rejection as an answer? What should he do when she came crawling back to him next week?
He could hear the whispering around him. He could feel the curious stare on his back. He could see the distance in Stephanie's tired blue eyes. "Fine, Cupcake. Suit yourself." He made his decision and spit out the words. He walked back to the table and dropped her keys. He cast a disgusted look at his keys and turned around to leave. He had a briefing this morning. He'd hoped he could join Stephanie in her bed or shower and have a quickie. He'd just found another gray hair when shaving yesterday. Yeah, the clock was ticking. And when Stephanie let herself in his place the next time, he would put an end to to this nonsense and lay down the rules. It was time to make the necessary changes.
Stephanie rested her head in her hand and tried not to sigh. The 30-something waitress came over with a slightly awkward smile and refilled her mug as the other customers resumed their conversations and looked away. Stephanie reached for Morelli's untouched chocolate and raspberry doughnuts and took a bite. No, she would not cry. The weather was beautiful, the already cold doughnuts were delicious, and her baby was dead. She was shaken up a little but still alive. She would get a box—no, 2 boxes of doughnuts and coffee for Lula and Connie and see if she had any new skips. Life had to go on no matter what. And she would find another way to return Joe's keys.
Chapter 9: Breath
Stephanie let out a sigh. She had been trying not to think of Ranger. But now she suddenly thought of the night she'd used the GPS on Ranger's truck to track back to the RangeMan building. She'd felt more than a little disappointed(and maybe a little hurt) when she'd found that Connie had known about it all along. But who was she to complain, really? It was not like she and Ranger had been in a relationship. He didn't do relationship. He didn't do stupid things. She was lucky to have him as a friend. But deep down within she knew she wanted more from him. Yeah, talk about being wistful and unrealistic. She laughed at herself and shook her head. It was a good thing that she knew her own limitations. At the end of the day she would want a wedding ring and a couple kids. She would want to be the heroine who tamed the lone wolf and made him hers. She would want much, much more than Ranger could ever give. And she would force his hand and make him leave her eventually.
She parked the car outside the bonds office and undid her seat belt. The empty feeling in her belly was still there but not as strong. She knew she was healing. She pushed opened the door and smiled at her two friends. Lula saw the bags in her hands, sniffed the air, and cheered. And maybe one day she could walk out of the shadow of her guilt and stop thinking and dreaming about the tiny baby she'd killed.
Maybe.
Chapter 10: Live
She had made it a habit to avoid confrontation and any kind of unpleasant situations. She changed the direction of the conversation. She made up excuses and left her mother's dining table. She played dumb or innocent. She told irresponsible, audacious lies. She closed her eyes and covered her ears, and then started singing to block out the outside world. Just because she didn't want to show her imperfection and ugliness. Just because she didn't want to expose her foolishness and weakness. Just because she didn't want people to find out that she was a hopeless failure, a pathetic loser. And then all of a sudden one day she'd woken up to find that shit had hit the fan: she'd been pregnant.
Stephanie wiped away her tears with her sleeve. Calm down. She told herself. Stop thinking. Get some sleep. Joe is not Ranger. He won't get pass the security chain. He will get the message eventually. He's not that stupid. He will realize he's not that into you. You're comfortable. You're familiar. You're safe. But that's it. You're just fun to fool around with. You're never the best candidate to be Mrs. Joseph Morelli. You know it. He knows it. Everyone in Trenton knows it. Even your mom and Grandma Bella know it. Now they just have to learn to be honest. Stephanie let out a small ragged laugh. She felt better already now. She had planned to go get her stuff by herself after things cooled down a bit, but Lula had quickly sensed something from her face/tone/aura(?) and looked at her like a worried mother bear. And thankfully Connie had just narrowed her eyes slightly at the two of them but said nothing. She knew Stephanie and Lula would share the big secret with her sooner or later when the time was right. It's really good to have friends. Breaking up is no big deal, come to think of it. Stephanie smiled and felt herself slowly falling asleep. Maybe she would dream of the crying child again. Maybe this time the babe would finally stop weeping. Maybe she would giggle when Stephanie picked her up and hugged her close to her heart. Maybe she would understand. Maybe she would forgive...forgive her stupid, heartless mom...forgive everything...
Chapter 11: Sigh
"Stephanie! Open up!" The familiar annoyed voice came with a loud bang on her steel front door. "We need to talk."
She covered her eyes with a hand and let out a sigh. She knew he had said it through clenched teeth. He was about to run out of patience. She could picture his tightened jaw and balled fists. He was one of those men who still looked attractive when mad. Sometimes she wondered if one day he would finally lose control and slap her. That was something she really didn't want to find out. At least he didn't sound drunk. But still she didn't want to talk. She had said what she had to said. She had done what needed to be done. Now she just wanted him to cool down, go home, and leave her alone. They were over, whether he liked it or not. And a part of her didn't even want to remain friends. It would only be too awkward. They both needed a clean break and move on. Whatever they had had between them was too messed-up and too tangled.
"Steph," Another bang. Only this time it was softer. He was changing strategy. Smart man. "I know you're in there. I just want to talk."
She got out of bed and suddenly thought of the morning when she'd been in bed with Ranger. If only she had let Ranger get his gun and answer the door in his naked glory. If only she had persuaded Ranger to ignore the knocks. If only she had grown out of her childhood fantasy and unhealthy obsession sooner. She turned on the bedside light and put on her pants. If only she had told Ranger she loved him the day she'd gone to him with flowers and a birthday cake. Stephanie closed her eyes and tilted up her head. No. She couldn't turn back the clock. It was too late to regret now.
"Steph? Open the door."
She pulled her hair into a ponytail.
"Cupcake? Please?"
She found her shoes from under the bed and put them on.
"Cupcake?" Another bang. This time louder. "Open up."
She rolled her eyes, took her cell phone out of her shoulder bag, turned it on, winced, and decided to pretend she hadn't seen all the missed calls on the screen.
"Cupcake? Steph?"
Maybe he would finally get the message and understand if they sat down and had a long talk...She'd never meant to hurt him. She'd just...she'd just...
"Stephanie! Open this goddamn door right now or I'll call your mom." Joe had finally snapped. The anger and threat in his voice were too obvious.
Stephanie stared at her dark living room for a long second. She grabbed her shoulder bag, fished out her car keys, and turned off the bedside light.
"Stephanie! I mean it! I'll call your mother!" Oh yes, the famous Italian temper had made its appearance. "Open the door NOW!"
She pushed up the bedroom window. She got out to the fire escape. She went down as quietly and quickly as she could. She opened and then locked her car door. She started the engine. She stepped on the gas. She bit her lower lip. She took out her phone. She hit the speed dial. He answered after the first ring. His calm soft deep familiar voice brought tears to her eyes.
"Ranger," Stephanie tried her best to disguise the tears in her voice. Though she knew she couldn't fool him for half a second. "Can I come over and...stay with you for a while?"
"Babe," What have you done this time? Crazy stalker? Mad FTA? Forgot to pay the utility bills? At least your car is still alive.
She blinked back her tears and smiled a tiny timid smile as she recognize the amusement and silent welcome in that single word. "Thanks." She croaked. She'd never known she could miss or love a person this much. And yes, she knew she was in trouble...
Chapter 12: Soar
She drove into the underground garage and parked her car beside the sleek shining Porsche Turbo. She was glad she'd visited the carwash. She became a little nervous when the elevator doors slid silently open. She still didn't know what to say to Ranger. He wouldn't need a thorough explanation as long as she wasn't in real danger. She was pretty good at hiding certain things from him, and she kind of resented herself for that. She'd never told Ranger she loved him, and she probably never would. She was too afraid to know his reaction. She was afraid Ranger would tell her she was in love with the wrong man. She was afraid he would say there was no place in his life for her. Her heart would break and shatter if he told her he didn't really need or love her. They couldn't remain friends if things came to that. She would want to run away, change her name, and then live alone and die in regret at some god-forsaken place. She was a woman. She had her pride and a sense of shame.
The bright spacious penthouse apartment was empty. Stephanie smiled as her eyes fell on the tray of food on the dining table. Fried brown rice, sautéed vegetables, and tomato soup. She actually did a happy dance when she found the hot pumpkin pie in the oven and a small bowl of whipped cream in the state of the art refrigerator. She washed her hands and sat down to eat in the serene silence. Ranger had some business to take care of. He wouldn't be back till late in the night. She always loved his bed, his couch, his bathroom and the whole apartment. She was most willing to trade a limb for his TV. And she now knew for a fact that she would still love him even if he lived inside a cave and live on tree barks,twigs, and grass.
Stephanie was already soundly asleep when the silhouette of a tall dark man appeared at the door of the dark bedroom. He stood there watching her for a long minute, listening to her slow even breathing. He wondered what exactly had brought her here. He walked silently to the bed, sat down, and gently traced a finger along her face. She looked a little sad and a little happy. He withdrew his hand when she turned toward him and murmured something in her sleep. He stood up and headed to the shower. It had been a long typical day. He needed to rest and sleep. He knew Stephanie was running away from something. She didn't even have the time to pack an overnight bag. He turned off the water, dried himself, put on his boxers, and got into bed.
Their talk could wait.
Chapter 13: Fall
She put her hand on Ranger's side of the bed. It was still warm. She wiped away her tears, and lay back down in bed. It was just a little after six. The past two weeks had been worse than a Halloween nightmare. Every night she dreamed sad or unpleasant dreams. Every morning she woke up tired and exhausted. She now had an ugly dark secret to keep. And it was slowly sucking her life and strength away and wearing her down. Lula understood her decision and would not judge her. Maybe Connie would understand, too. But Stephanie did not have the same faith in her own mother, sister and other close friends. She wished she was not Catholic. She felt she had done something wrong and she wished she could stop feeling the guilt. What had been done had been done. There was no turning back. Let go, move on, forget, forgive, and be happy. She knew too well what she needed to do right now. But if only it was that easy.
She didn't hear the water stop or the bathroom door open. She simply sensed Ranger's presence. She turned to look at him and tried to smile and say Hi, but instead she almost cried. She had been missing him terribly. He was so close but so far away. She was a total mess. He was cool, composed, rational, and well-prepared. She had always been his burden and liability. And he had his goals in life and his own dark secrets. She didn't cry. She just felt sad, and too depressed. She had always secretly wanted to be more than his pleasure and entertainment, but most of the time she had been in Morelli's bed. Yeah, talk about being unreal and unrealistic.
"What happened?" Ranger, clad only in his black boxers, turned on the bedside lamp and quietly asked.
Stephanie, clad in Ranger's black t-shirt and a pair of her RangeMan panties, cracked a weak smile at him. He didn't even raise his brow, she suddenly noticed. She wanted to say, "It's complicated". She wanted to simply shrug. She wanted to tell a perfect lie and pretend everything was okay. But the thing was, she was not okay. Sooner or later he would find out about her break up. Sooner or later he would find out about Morelli's wrath. And she would rather die than hear Ranger say, "You will get back together. You always do". She wanted to let him know she had burned down the bridge. She had done something more resolute and destructive than burning down the metaphorical bridge. And she was not proud of what she'd done. She was frightened. She was ashamed. He had married a woman he didn't love to give their child his name. He had never once delayed or missed paying child support. He had let another man become his daughter's loving, caring father. He had willingly paid the price and done the right things. And she had chosen the different path. She had chosen to run away.
Stephanie's breath caught in her throat. She tried to blank back a tear and failed. She turned away form Ranger's eyes. She lowered her head. He would not press her if she chose not to say a word. He would provide her with food, clothing and shelter. He would help her hide from whatever and whoever was chasing her and keep her safe. He was her mentor, her friend, her sometimes lover, and her Batman. And he didn't even know that she loved him, or what kind of woman she really was.
"I got pregnant." She could feel Ranger's eyes on her face. "It was an accident."
She almost smiled at her own bravery as she looked at her hands and helpfully added. "Joe doesn't know."
The silence grew. Her fear became numb. And suddenly she didn't care. Not anymore.
"And I had an abortion."
Chapter 14: Dream
"You did what you needed to do."
The matter-of-factness in Ranger's voice made Stephanie want to smile. She could hear his unsaid words. She knew she needed to let go and move on and concentrate on the future. She knew she needed to stop being blaming herself. If only she knew how to stop being so obsessed with her guilt. She had been taught too well by her mother and the Catholic nuns. Now she believed Hell did exist. But she was no longer sure if Heaven was real. Maybe she would end up needing a shrink for professional help. But she sure couldn't afford the bill. And she was just not the kind of person who could so easily open up to strangers. "Lie, hide and deny" had always been her favorite motto. She was good at faking orgasms when Joe was too persistent and she was too tired. She was good at cheating unsuspecting people blind. She would do whatever she could to avoid conflicts and confrontation. She had no idea since when telling the truth had eased to be an option. She just didn't want to upset or disappointed people. She just wanted to look smart, cute, and clever. But nothing could ever change the fact that she was an idiot. There was no hiding from the truth that she was flat-out stupid.
Stephanie didn't know where she'd gotten the courage. She sat up in bed and turned to Ranger. She didn't want her life to end like this. She needed to do something right now to tell, to show Ranger something. And she had no idea what that "something" was exactly. She wrapped her arms around him. She rested her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and stopped crying. She felt his arms tightening around her. And for the first time in the past several weeks, she finally felt safe.
Chapter 15: Real
They were not exactly in a relationship. They were much, much more than friends with benefits. And now that Stephanie knew she had to make some necessary changes in her life, she suddenly wanted to know how it felt like to grow old together with Ranger. How would it feel like to wake up every morning for the rest of her life beside him? How would it feel like to walk hand in hand down the beach with him? How would it feel like to just stay by his side, doing nothing? She almost sighed as she finished her coffee. Dangerous thoughts. Unstoppable longings. Right now her life was a total mess and she'd started dreaming yet another impossible dream. She had never been an overachiever, but sometimes she was not afraid to dream big. The only problem was, she usually had no idea how to make them come true. And she had spent—or rather wasted—too much time fooling around accomplishing nothing.
And why would someone like Ranger want to spend the rest of his life with someone like her? She wasn't that stupid. She knew he'd been trying to put some space between them. Maybe that was because once again she'd been back with Joe. Maybe that was because he was ready to move on to the next stage of his life. Maybe he just didn't want to waste more time on her. For years her life had been a meaningless farce and a boring cliché. Nothing ever changed. Her unhealthy on-and-off relationship with Morelli. The everlasting power struggle between she and her mother. The non-stop disaster that was called her bounty hunter career.
And now this.
The familiar cold depression crept back into her heart like a venomous serpent. She could stay with Ranger as long as she needed, but she couldn't hide forever. Sooner or later she would have to step outside of the RangeMan building to face Joe and deal with her mother. And the more she thought about her relation with Ranger, the more uncertain she became. She knew she loved him. But would love alone be enough? She looked up as Ranger stood up from the table. She tried not to blink or look away as his eyes fell on her face. She didn't want to seem guilty, worried, or afraid. She stood up and tried to look brave. She prayed and hoped that for once he couldn't read her mind like an open book.
"Get some rest." Ranger pulled her near, kissed her softly on her lips and ruffled her hair. "You're thinking too hard."
She stared at the door for a whole minute after he went down to his 5th-floor office. The touch of his lips lingered in her head. She put the dishes into the dishwasher. She opened the door for Ella, helped her cleaning and tidying up the apartment, and they chatted a little. She sat down on the couch when she was alone and finally took out her phone. She put her phone back into her shoulder bag and turned on the TV. She found a rerun of an old black-and-white movie in which every men was tough and all the women were pretty. Ranger was right. She did need some rest. Maybe it was time to stop thinking. Maybe she should listen to her instincts. Maybe Joe would calm down a bit and finally realize she was right. Maybe her mother would stop nagging at her and find a new hobbit. And maybe she would have the courage to be honest with herself and Ranger when he came up for lunch. She nearly smiled as the tall strong man in the TV screen wrapped the fragile-looking woman in his arms and kissed her.
Maybe.
Chapter 16: Feel
She laid her hand on one of Ranger's black jackets and smiled. According to the weatherman the temperature had dropped overnight. She knew Ranger wouldn't mind her borrowing his hoodie. She always loved wearing his clothes, and she knew he liked to see her in his t-shirt. Stephanie took the stylish hoodie off the rack and was about to try it on when her phone started to ring.
"Don't come in today." Connie said in a calm hushed tone. "Morelli is waiting for you here and he looks really pissed. Call Ranger. Hal has your files."
Stephanie's heart sank at Connie's words. She thanked Connie, told her she was alright and turned off the phone. Anger and frustration swelled up inside her. She so wanted to scream, to shout, to yell and tear at her hair. She had made herself clear. Why couldn't Joe accept her decision and just let go? Why did he have to be such an obstinate jerk? Why couldn't he see they were not right for each other? Why did her friend have to call her from the office bathroom like a secret agent? Why did her life have to be such a mess? She knew she had no one to blame. She knew it was all her fault. But still.
She closed her eyes but didn't cry. She then felt the familiar tickling sensation, opened her eyes, turned around, and saw Ranger. He had two files in his hand. He didn't sat anything. He was not frowning. But he wasn't smiling, either. He just looked at her with his beautiful bright dark brown eyes. And suddenly Stephanie desperately wanted to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. She took a step closer. She looked straight into his eyes. She took a deep breath and finally said:
"Can you take me shopping?"
Silence fell. And then Ranger smiled. A full on 1000 Watt smile.
"Babe,"
Chapter 17: Deal
Ranger, as usual, was sitting with his back to the wall facing the door. He had ordered Earl Grey and looked totally calm and nonchalant, but Stephanie knew he was carrying his knife and guns. He always carried his knife and guns. Maybe that was the reason why he'd told her he didn't do relationship. He was doing a stressful, demanding, and dangerous job. He needed to stay focused and alert all the time. And though he was always ready and prepared, nobody could be sure what would happen the very next next second. He might not be able to come back in one piece, and she knew he wouldn't want to leave a teary/pregnant girlfriend/wife and wailing kids behind. Of course, maybe he just didn't want extra burdens; maybe he just didn't believe in marriage; maybe he just liked to be free. After what had happened to Julie, Stephanie knew for a fact that Ranger didn't want his enemies or anyone else to use his loved ones as leverage. But sometimes when she looked into his eyes, she couldn't help thinking that one day he would finally be ready to settle down and start a new family. A smart, beautiful wife, a large lazy black and white cat, and two to three cute, brilliant kids.
Why not? Stephanie took a big bite of the amazingly delicious crumble and tried hard to ignore the sudden lump in her throat. Ranger had served their country. He had helped keep dangerous criminals and vicious villains off the street. He had paid his taxes. He had been a good boss to all the RangeMan employees. He had saved her butt more than a zillion times. He was a good and decent man. He deserved to be happy. He deserved someone who was brave, clever, and honest. He deserved someone better than she was. And she should thank him for being such a good friend and be happy for him. It was the least she could do. She could always cry her heart out after his wedding or the birth of the Bat Baby. Then live and die in loneliness. As the price of the unforgettable crime she'd committed.
Enough gloomy thoughts. Stephanie decided and took a sip of her bubble tea. Time to focus on the task at hand: new lingerie. So far the shopping trip had been smooth and easy and she'd been lucky: she'd found a nice coat, "a couple pretty dresses, a pair of cute but tough-looking boots and a pair of sensible shoes in record time, and the price was reasonable. Who knew? Maybe Ranger also had shopping karma. Stephanie sneaked another glance at Ranger and secretly smiled. She wasn't sure if she would come back with Lula for that Batman cookie jar when things cooled down a bit, though. She liked it but didn't really need it. And she wasn't exactly rich. Great. She had already started thinking like a mature adult. Now if only she had the courage to be more honest with her feelings for Ranger.
She almost sighed when she looked up from her plate and widened her eyes as she found Ranger looking at her intensely. They hadn't talked much since leaving RangeMan but the silence didn't make her feel awkward. Instead it made her feel intimate and safe, and she felt that she could see a deeper layer of Ranger: the comfortable and domestic side of him. But now, at this particular moment, Stephanie simply wished she could read the look in his eyes. She knew he was not going to ask her about Morelli. He probably knew already. Without a word she pushed her crumble and tea toward him. Without a word Ranger picked up the fork and took a bite. He then raised his brow a fraction after tasting the creamy pink tea.
"That stuff is going to kill you, babe." Stephanie said solemnly.
And then for the very first time in a long, long time, she laughed heartily.
Chapter 18: Strength
Ranger had impeccable table manners. He ate quietly and neatly and smiled his barely there smile as the hot creamy cheese made Stephanie moan. Just like in the café, he looked relaxed and comfortable. Stephanie, on the other hand, felt happy, relaxed and relieved. She had been smiling when they'd left Victoria's Secret with several fancy shopping bags. The three sales ladies and the other shoppers had been gawking at Ranger the whole time. Stephanie knew all the women had been tempted to reach out a hand to touch the tiger, but since none of them had wanted to risk being burned, they had all wisely kept a safe distance from the beautiful dangerous man. The envy and jealousy in their eyes had made Stephanie want to wrap her arm around Ranger and laugh in triumph like a proud evil queen, but the smile on her face had disappeared the moment they'd stepped out of the mall.
She had been half expecting to see a mad Morelli leaning against Ranger's Cayenne with his eyes blazed, his jaw clenched, and his hairy arm crossed. She had been bracing herself for a inevitable unpleasant confrontation/yelling match. But instead a huge wave of relief had washed over her when she'd found no sight of her ex-boyfriend. She was grateful there'd been no need to unveil the ugly truth and exchange hurtful words. She had said all she had to say. She'd tried her best to to keep it plain and simple. She'd done all she could to refrain from saying things unhelpful and harmful. It wasn't her fault that Joe was too stubborn to recognize the fact. He'd known all along they were not exactly a match made in heaven. They fought all the time. They couldn't find a common ground. They kept waiting for each other to make sacrifices. They refused to compromise. They were both selfish and immature. And she'd finally had enough after paying that horrible price.
What could she say to make him listen? What could she say to make him understand? What should she do to make him turn around and walk away without a backward glance? What should she do to make him find someone else and live happily ever after without revealing her painful secret? She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She scooped up a generous amount of gelato and concentrated on the refreshing fruity sweetness. She was not exactly a stupid clueless woman. She would figure out a way. She would know which bridge to cross and which to burn. Sooner or later she would have to move back to her own apartment. Sooner or later she would have to step up and deal with all her problems. Maybe her mother would never understand her decision. Maybe Joe would never forgive her for walking away like this. But this was her life. She was tired of drifting with the flow. She was tired of trying to be like everyone else. She was the one and only Stephanie Plum. She wanted and needed to stop making foolish childish mistakes. She wanted and needed to make something out of her life and herself. She had to stop making excuses. She had to learn to trust her heart and use her brain. But right now she just wanted to enjoy this precious moment. Tonight she just wanted to rest her head on Ranger's chest, listen to the calm regular beating of his heart and fall asleep.
Ranger paid the check and left a generous tip. He then gathered Stephanie in his arm when they walked into the chilly night air. He started the car and turned on the music. Soft elegant classical music flowed in the air as they headed back toward RangeMan. Stephanie couldn't hide the small smile on her face. It had been a long day but she didn't really feel tired. The powerful engine roared. The car sped through the night. She took a look at Ranger, leaned back into the seat and closed her eyes. And someday, maybe someday, she would learn to become a better woman. She would no longer be afraid to chase her dreams. She would no longer be the Queen of Denial. She would become braver, smarter. She would be decisive and determined. She would go for what she truly wanted and needed. And maybe, just maybe, she would finally be worthy of the man she loved, and he would be ready to love her back...
Chapter 19: Dare
Ranger closed his eyes and listened to the rain and Stephanie's even breathing. Once again sleep claimed him. Downstairs on the fifth floor, the night shift RangeMan crew stayed focused on their duties. Inside the parking lot of Stephanie's apartment building, Joe Morelli sat in his car waiting. He was not a fool. He didn't bother to call Stephanie. He knew exactly where she was. He knew as long as he was here, Stephanie wouldn't be back. But he couldn't bring himself to go to RangeMan. He didn't want to make a scene in front of Ranger. He didn't want to give Stephanie the chance to dump him in front of that crazy bastard. He would probably shoot someone if he heard Ranger smiled that annoying smile and called her "Babe". So he chose to come here; to apply silent pressure. Sooner or later Mrs. Plum would intervene. Sooner or later Stephanie would feel guilty and eventually cave in. He had invested too many years in their relationship, he couldn't afford to walk away with nothing. He didn't even know why she wanted to break up with him. He had absolutely no idea why she had become so cold and so distant so suddenly. He was pretty damn sure he hadn't done anything wrong.
He'd been engulfed by anger when he had come home after a long day's work to find his keys in the letter box. He'd been beyond furious upon being told that she'd sneaked out of her apartment via the fire escape. All he wanted was to talk. All he wanted was to ask her why. All he wanted was a peaceful life. But she had to frustrate the Hell out of him and make him a laughing stock. And now he just wanted to grab hold of her shoulders and shake some sense into her too thick skull. Joe Morelli closed his eyes and listened to the rain and his own angry breathing. He had wasted a whole morning waiting for Stephanie. He was bone-tired but couldn't sleep. He had a stressful demanding job and he knew he was good at it. He had no reason to let go. He had no reason to move had his hopes, his dreams, and his fears.
And if only he knew what to do with Stephanie.
Chapter 20: Courage
Stephanie woke up in warm darkness. She heard the sound of the rain. She blinked slowly and let out a breath. She could still sense the sad smile on her face as she tried to remember her dream. She was glad she wasn't crying. She snuggled closer to the warm muscular body next to her and felt safe and cozy. Sometimes she wished she could just erase everything and start anew. She would be smarter. She wouldn't make so many stupid painful mistakes. She would spare herself from humiliation and unpleasant memories. She would be better. She would be stronger. She would be closer to perfect. She wouldn't have to try to explain her life to her mother. She wouldn't need to figure out what to say to Joe Morelli. She would be happier. She would be free.
She tried to stifle a yawn. She didn't want to wake Ranger. She didn't want to become his burden and drag him down. She had two skips to catch, groceries to buy, and rent to pay. He had his own life to live and she wished she could be a part of it. But she also realized you couldn't always get what you wanted. She silently sighed and closed her eyes. She thought of her dream and wondered if it meant something. She recalled the beautiful child's face and remembered the other faceless baby. Her baby. Her dead child. Somehow she managed to push her guilt aside. She had to get her life back on track. She had to focus on "now". She needed to trun her cell phone back on. She needed to call around and ask about her skips. Lula wanted to watch Twilight and Skyfall; they should invite Connie along and had a girls' night out. Maybe they could go to Shorty's for dinner or try the new Thai place. Maybe she should just give up instead of trying to make her mother understand. Maybe she could think of a most effective break up line and deliver it as the knockout punch. Maybe she could play matchmaker and find the perfect woman for Joe. A nurse. A librarian. An elementary school teacher. A pretty woman with a curvy figure and a great smile. A fun and lovely person who wanted to marry a cop and become the mother of six kids.
Or maybe she should just look Joe in the eyes and tell him she'd killed the baby because she didn't want to be the mother of his child. She didn't want to give up a part of her life and make the necessary sacrifice. She didn't want to change. She didn't want to adjust. She never liked his family and she didn't love him that much. And she was in love with someone else. Yeah, right. Stephanie snorted at herself. Maybe he won't get mad and shoot you on the spot. Honesty is the best policy my ass. She startled and opened her eyes as Ranger tightened his arm around her and started to laugh. She tried to narrow her eyes at him but failed. Soon she began to laugh. She knew she'd whispered the words out loud. She didn't know when her hands had travelled to his bare chest. She didn't know when her lips had leaned in and found his. She didn't know when she had closed her eyes. She didn't know when she had let her instinct, her need, and her love for him take over. She didn't know when she had whispered "I love you" in his ear. She didn't know when her tears had started to flow.
She did know she loved him. And that was all she needed right now.
Chapter 21: Calm
The house was quiet and felt empty. Helen didn't look angry or worried. She wasn't upset, either. Her face was calm and almost emotionless, just like the message she'd left on Stephanie's cell phone. "Stephanie, this is your mother. I need to talk to you." Helen had simply said in a flat expressionless tone. Silence dragged on for a minute. Helen finished her rose and lavender tea, put down the ivory china cup, and looked at her daughter. There was something in her pale blue eyes that made Stephanie start feeling nervous.
"What do you want for your life, Stephanie? Do you have any plan at all?"
Helen's voice was soft but stern. Today she was determined to find the answers. She wanted to solve the problems once and for all. She was tired of Stephanie's unusual lifestyle and careless behaviour. She wanted Stephanie to stop being the favorite topic of the town gossip and rumours. She wanted Stephanie to settle down, stay away from danger, and try to have a happy normal life like everyone else. She didn't want to lose sleep over her younger daughter's safety and happiness any more. She was too old and too tired for that now.
"You are giving me ulcers, Stephanie. You are a single divorced woman. You are not young any more. You will be forty in a few more years. You can't be a bounty hunter forever. You have been beaten, kidnapped, and almost killed. You don't have a house. You don't have a decent car. You have no money in the bank. You have no goals. You have a college diploma, but you refuse to find a steady better job that provides better health insurance. You have this strange relationship with Joseph. You move in with him. You break up with him. You go back together. You break up again. He keeps saying he wants to marry you but so far no one has seen a ring. You keep saying Ranger is just a friend and your relationship is pure business, but every time you have a problem with Joseph, every time you are in danger, you run to Ranger. And your grandmother told me you sleep in his bed. You can't keep on living like this, Stephanie. What if Joseph loses patience and finds someone else? What if Ranger doesn't want to get serious with you? What are you going to do? You don't have anyone to lean on. You can't stand on your own. Your sister and your friends have their own lives and problems. And your father and I can't take care of you forever. Someday we are going to die. Who's going to take you in and make you meals when we are gone? Have you ever thought about your future, Stephanie? I can't live forever. I won't be there to run over the bad guy and save you the next time someone wants to kill you. You will be all alone. You will be on your own."
Helen felt sad and tired. She didn't cry. She didn't sigh. She just looked into her daughter's eyes and said what was on her mind. Sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and think of Stephanie's messed-up life. She couldn't go back to sleep afterward no matter how hard she tried. She wanted to stop worrying about Stephanie. She wanted to tell herself everything would turn out alright. She wanted to pretend she didn't see the faint burn mark on Stephanie's arm all the time. She wanted to forget the fear she'd seen in her elder daughter's eyes the day that mad mobster had abducted Valerie to get to Stephanie. All she wanted was a safe and peaceful life. She totally deserved that. She was so frustrated and scared that she wanted to tear at her hair and scream at the top of her lungs. And now as Helen saw the stunned and hurt look on Stephanie's face, she suddenly realized that venting out her fears and worries hadn't helped her feel better. She felt like a terrible mother, as a matter of fact. She had showed her vulnerability and frightened her wide-eyed child. She hadn't found any answer but still got too many questions.
And what was her point exactly? Marriage is a heaven? Snare a man, bear him children and you will be happy? Be like everyone else and your problems will turn around and go away quietly? Really? How come she had a feeling that she might have been happier if she had accepted the job offer and moved to San Francisco instead of staying here and marrying Frank? Helen closed her eyes, exhaled a long breath, and then took a whole minute to regroup and collect herself.
"What I was trying to say is: it's time to think carefully and make a decision, Stephanie. You need to make some changes. You need to stop wasting your life. You have to take your life seriously. Draw a line between you and Ranger if you want a future with Joseph. Break up cleanly with Joseph if you don't want to marry him. Find another job and start saving money for your future. Try to get better at your job and make more money if you want to keep on being a bounty hunter. Just...do something. Don't climb out of your bedroom window and run away like a thief. This is your life, not a circus or Jersey Shore. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"
Stephanie felt her face burning. She pulled her suddenly teary eyes away from her mother and tried not to weep. Yes, she felt ashamed. Yes, she felt like a failure. Yes, she knew she was a disappointment. Yes, her mother's words stabbed at her heart and hurt like Hell; but what she'd said was true. She hadn't expected this from her mother. She'd braced herself for the usual complaining and nagging. She'd thought she'd had to turn a deaf ear to the never-ending "quit your job, settle down, marry Joseph, and pop out little Morellis". She blinked away her tears. She stifled a sob. Slowly she nodded her head. She couldn't bring herself to look at her mother. And she finally burst out in tears and threw herself into her mother's arms as Helen said a little awkwardly:
"I made a pineapple upside-down cake and some cookies. Share them with Lula and Connie. Don't eat them all by yourself. And don't forget to thank Ranger for taking you in—"
Helen Plum let her own tears drop as she wrapped her daughter in her arms and patted her on the was tough being a mother, wife, and daughter at the same time. Sometimes she hoped she could a better job. But she didn't regret any minute of it. And she wouldn't trade it for anything.
Harmful for the Cupcakes.
Stephanie Plum made a decision and stopped being the Queen of Denial after a big mistake, and tried to put her life back together.
Theme Song : Frozen by Madonna.
Title: Frozen
Category: Books » Janet Evanovich
Author: Cut Myself Shaving
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Drama/General
Published: 09-25-12, Updated: 12-07-12
Chapters: 21, Words: 14,710
Category: Books » Janet Evanovich
Author: Cut Myself Shaving
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Drama/General
Published: 09-25-12, Updated: 12-07-12
Chapters: 21, Words: 14,710
Chapter 1: Frozen
Frozen
"You sure you really want to do this?"Stephanie nodded. The care and concern in Lula's voice warmed her heart. She was glad she had Lula as a friend. She could use some moral support now. She had finally made up her mind last night. It was for the best. For once she was going to hold her own fate in her hands and control her life. She was an adult, no longer a child. She had to take responsibility for her choices and mistakes. Maybe someday she would have remorse and regrets. But she had to concentrate on "now". She had a life to live, a job to do, and a dream to fulfill. She couldn't afford to take a wrong step here. The price would be too high.
"Oh, Stephanie." Lula hugged her tightly and tried not to cry. "I hate it when life is such a nasty bitch."
Stephanie closed her eyes and gently patted her friend on the back. She was not surprised that her tears didn't come. For the first time in a long, long while, she felt strangely calm and certain of herself. So this is what it feels like being a mature grown-up. Stephanie smiled and thought to herself as Lula wiped away her tears. Soon the nurse came out and beckoned at her. She stood up, took a deep breath and let go of Lula's hand. She followed the nurse into the room. She could feel Lula's teary eyes on her back. But she didn't slow down or turn around.
1.5 hours later Stephanie was home alone lying in her bed. They had stopped at a McDonald's on the drive back. She could smell the cheeseburger and fries. But she still had no appetite. She felt no pain or discomfort. And she felt no guilt. What had to be done was done. She would worry about the consequence when she was in the mood or had the time. She placed a hand on her stomach and let out a sigh. She didn't know why, but she was somewhat happy and relieved that she wouldn't give birth to Joe Morelli's child.
Chapter 2: Broken
Broken
Stephanie
was pro-life. Stephanie was pro-choice. It all depended on the
circumstances, according to her opinion. No one had the right to take
away a child's life. No one had the right to force a woman to sacrifice
her life. Sometimes when she heard a little child's laughter and saw the
child's cute little face, she would sense the familiar longing deep
down within. She would long to hold her baby close to her heart. She
would long to smile up at the man who sired her child. She would long to
feel the pride and joy of being a newbie mom. But she also wanted to be
free. She didn't want to be tied up and caged. She wanted to be
herself. She wanted to live her own life. She didn't think she would
ever be ready to make such a sacred and scary commitment. She wouldn't
be able to handle all the responsibilities and obligations. She would
only stress out or freak out, she was certain of that. And she really,
really didn't want to become a Morelli woman.She didn't want to stay home taking care of her husband while socializing with all the neighbors and be nice to countless in-laws. She didn't want to always walk with her chin up and smile her courteous yet distant smile at everyone else. She didn't want to learn to cook pasta, spaghetti, risotto, lasagna and meat loaf. She didn't want to go to church. She didn't want to become a member of PTA. She didn't want to spend her life running around after giggling, screaming children. She didn't want to be a housewife. She didn't want to be a stay-home mom. She didn't want to live off her husband. She didn't want to quit her job. She didn't want to work part-time at a bakery or the button factory when her kids became older. She didn't wan to do the laundry and dishes. She didn't want to become like Joe's mother, aunts, sister, cousins and Grandma Bella. She didn't want to become like her own mother, aunts, sister, cousins and Grandma. She didn't want to spend the rest of her life trapped inside the tiny cozy lovely two-story house Joe's aunt left him.
Stephanie sat up and started eating in silence. She needed to get her strength back. She had made a huge mistake that night. She had thought it would be alright. She had thought a little fun wouldn't hurt anyone. She had ended up killing her own child. She wished she could go back in time and smack herself upside the back of her head. "Stop being a freaking idiot!" She wanted to yell at her stupid self. She finished her cold cheeseburger and soggy French fries. Still she hadn't shed a tear for her dead child.
Or for herself.
Chapter 3: Shattered
Shattered
Once
upon a time Stephanie had wanted to have children. With Dickie, her rat
bastard of a first husband. Once upon a time she had thought the two of
them would live happily together for the rest of their lives. Maybe she
would quit her job and become a full-time mom, just like her mother and
perfect elder sister. She could clean. She could cook. She could make
her husband a most happy man. Or maybe she would keep working as a
lingerie buyer. They could hire a nanny and a housekeeper. Money would
not be a problem, she had figured. Everyone had promised her that Dickie
would have successful and prospering career. They would live in a
high-end apartment or a mansion. They would have fancy cars, adorable
pets, beautiful children and rich, elegant friends. Then all of a sudden
her fancy dream shattered. She no longer had a husband. She no longer
wanted children. She had lost the ability to trust and to make
commitment, Stephanie believed, as well as her last shred of purity and
innocence. And somewhere deep down within she was still hurting. She had
been cheated. She had been betrayed. She had truly loved Dickie and
he'd loved her back. But now where had the love gone? Why couldn't it
last? Why did it have to die?Stephanie got out of bed, quietly put the unpleasant thoughts and questions behind her and quickly got dressed. It was too early to turn on her phone. She padded into her tiny kitchen and carefully kept her eyes aways from the angry flashing red light on her answering machine. She was too hungry and too tired to deal with the outside world. She took a box of leftover pizza and macaroni & cheese from the refrigerator. Her eyes fell on the empty spot on the kitchen counter. Rex had been gone for 2 weeks now. But still she missed her little not exactly friendly pet hamster. The silence inside her apartment was so deafening that she wanted to cry. Or yell.
Would she make the same decision had the child been Ranger's? Stephanie took a bite of her brunch and asked herself. Would she want to keep the child? Would he want her to keep the child? Would they have their someday? Would their child look like Julie? Would he want her to have an abortion? Would she end up like Rachel: A steady stream of child support was all she could ever get. She wouldn't be able to keep his ring. She wouldn't be able to have his love. She wouldn't have an answer when her child ask her about Ranger...
Stop.
Wistful thinking. Stupid meaningless questions. Sternly Stephanie shook her head and berated herself. A total waste of energy and time. She hadn't seen Ranger or heard from him for a while. It'd always been one of the RangeMan crew who called whenever something happened to her car. It'd always been one of the RangeMan crew that arrived on the scene to check on her and deliver a new car. And she simply hadn't had the courage to go to Ranger's door and knock. Something had changed between them, she was sure of that. And she'd always known that she was not the woman he really needed or wanted.
She kept on chewing the pizza crust. No, she was not going to get another pet. She could hardly take care of herself. Once Rex had almost been killed by a bunch of manics because of her job, and there had been nothing she could do but cry her heart out. The sooner she got used to loneliness the better, she decided. It wouldn't be fair if another innocent life got hurt because of her.
She'd done enough harm.
Chapter 4: Silence
Silence
Stephanie
put a smile on her face and walked in the bonds office. She didn't know
if the dull ache she'd been feeling was because of her body or her
guilt. But she did know she needed to work. She had rent to pay and food
to buy, and staying in her bed all day hadn't really improved her mood.
Connie looked up from the desk, smiled, and handed her several files.
Everybody thought she'd caught a cold. Only Lula knew the truth. And
Stephanie'd like to keep it that way. There were more and more things
she didn't want to share with her family and friends. They just wouldn't
understand. They always doubted and questioned her choices and
decisions. And she was too tired to explain. Maybe one day she would end
up like her mother and sister. Maybe one day she would end up all
alone. A part of her still wanted a happy, normal life. A part of her
wanted to stop caring and let go.Great. Stephanie flipped through the files and almost laughed. She was getting more and more like her father. Keep your focus on your food. Pretend you can't see, can't hear, can't speak or feel. As long as you have your pot roast and mashed potatoes, nothing ever matters. Nothing. Maybe her father was actually a very wise man. Stephanie helped herself to a doughnut and a slice of pizza while Connie and Lula decided to share the last piece of fried chicken. She hadn't returned Joe's calls. Dealing with her mother's endless worries had exhausted all her energy. And she was not in the position to grant Joe what he wanted. Pizza, ball game, and a six pack. A night of some not so funny dirty jokes and marathon sex. Nothing more. Nothing new. Always the same. He indeed was handsome and good in bed. But maybe now was time to finally get bored.
It was no one's fault, really. She was just not family material. She was just never into children. Though she always wanted to live up to her mother's expectation. Though she always wanted to be better than her sister. Now she finally realized something was just impossible. There was no need to try. Stephanie ate another slice of the warm greasy pizza. She was glad to have her appetite back. And she no longer had that anguish nightmare. She wiped her fingers clean with a napkin. She tried not to think of the void, the emptiness within her being. It was her life. It was her choice. It was time to accept the truth and pay the price. Maybe one day she would have another child. Maybe one day she would find the meaning and purpose of her life. Until then, she would have to team up with Lula and go after whatever FTAs Vinnie threw her way. Her cell phone suddenly rang. From the ring tone she knew it was Joe. She turned off her phone and dropped it back into her bag. Connie raised her brows. Lula wolfed down another doughnut.
And Stephanie just shrugged.
Chapter 5: Pain
Pain
Stephanie
and Lula ran after the skip. Several people on the street stopped and
stared. The pale middle-aged man was bald and clearly overweight but he
sure could run. Further and further his short hairy legs carried him
away, and he kept on screaming like a frightened, hysterical girl. Soon
Stephanie had to slow down and finally stop. She bent over and panted
while like a persistent cheetah or a pissed-off rhino Lula roared and
charged. The man turned his head to look out of curiosity and fear. He
stumbled, and fell. Lula landed on top of him in a blink of an eye and
let out a cheerful, triumphant war cry. Stephanie smiled and staggered
forward as she tried to catch her breath. She was simply grateful that
this time there was no dumpsters or blown-up cars involved. She would
treat Lula to a nice dinner tonight, she decided.Lula had once told Connie and Stephanie that she'd thought about having a child, but her encounter with Benito Ramirez had rendered it an almost impossible task. So she had given up. Lula had casually said with a shrug. She could always try adoption if she settled down, got married and really wanted a child. But Stephanie couldn't forget the slight trace of longing and well-hidden disappointment in her friend's honey brown eyes. And she'd dragged Lula through the whole ordeal.
"You okay?" Lula frowned a little and asked.
"No!" The man half choked, half squeaked before Stephanie could say yeah.
"Jeez. Stop whining, will you?" Lula stood up and smoothed her skirt and hair after Stephanie cuffed the man. "None of this would've happened if you'd shown up in court on time."
"It wasn't my fault." The FTA protested weakly and suddenly started to weep like a helpless child. "My wife...my wife took off with my best friend. And she...she texted me that she wanted a divorce."
So they stopped on the way to TPD and bought Jerry Newman—the 45-years-old white male who had been arrested for DUI—ice cream, coffee, and a couple doughnuts to calm him down. They felt so sorry for him. Stephanie walked him into the police station while Lula waited in the RangeMan SUV. Stephanie exchanged greetings and jokes with the uniformed officers. She assured Jerry that Vinnie would arrive shortly to bail him out again. She got her receipt from the front desk officer. She accepted a free doughnut and bade everyone goodbye. Both she and Lula exhaled a sigh of relief when she stepped out of the front door of TPD and got in the car.
Thank God Morelli was not around.
Chapter 6: Coldness
Coldness
She was born a cupcake.Plain vanilla base. Gooey chocolate buttercream. And colored sprinkles. She was first confined within the baking mould and then the stiff decorative wrapper. She was light and fluffy, sweet and airy, just like all the other cupcakes on the racks. They all looked different but tasted almost the same. But she and felt empty inside. One by one they got picked up and devoured. None of them struggled or made a sound. They just silently disappeared without a trace. She sat there and quietly waited. For her turn. For her fate. For her end. Suddenly she felt the grasp of a hand. She tried to squeal but found that she didn't have a voice. The huge gaping mouth drew near. The sharp teeth bit down, cracked her skull and snapped her spine—
Stephanie woke up abruptly. She was alone in her narrow bed, her heart thumping in her chest. She was bathed in cold sweat. Her bedroom is dark and cold, and she could almost taste the pain. She sat up, and finally got out of bed. She needed a cup of hot chocolate to calm her nerves. She leaned against her kitchen counter, nibbled at a cookie and sipped her chocolate. Her apartment seemed too big now that Rex was gone. Together she and Lula brought in all her skips. And her RangeMan car remained intact and unscratched. Somehow her mother was getting a little upset that she was driving one of Ranger's car. It seemed that all of a sudden it wasn't right to borrow a man's car when you were involved with someone else. Joe called, and called again. She couldn't ignore him for too much longer. They would have to talk. But about what? Should she tell him that she saw no bright future ahead? Or that she'd had an abortion and killed their child?
Stephanie softly laughed. Her voice sounded strange to her own ears. She was still not sure if she could handle Joe's trademark yelling and arms flailing routine right now. She was still feeling a little fragile and weak. And she had this unreasonable fear that she would start bleeding any time. She would probably go berserk should Joe look at her with his melted chocolate bedroom eyes and whisper huskily in her ear, "The boys miss you, Cupcake". Besides, she missed Ranger.
She knew she shouldn't pile her problems on Ranger's shoulders. But she'd love to have someone to lean on. Three times he had taken bullets for her or because of her. Once he had killed for her. And he'd always been there whenever she was in need of help. She longed to hear his voice. She longed to see his face. She longed to feel his warmth. But she couldn't bring herself to call him. He was a successful busy man. He had a company to run and a life to live. And she had caused him more than enough trouble over the years. Even Batman needed a break sometimes. And Ranger was just human. He could be harmed. He could be hurt. He could be killed. This time she had to deal with her life's problems on her own.
She washed her mug, brushed her teeth, went to sit on the couch and turned on the DVD. NO, she was not going to watch Ghostbusters again. Somehow she had grown tired of that in the previous month. She watched The Rock's Faster instead. She liked The Rock. He might not be Al Pacino or Robert De Niro, but there was something about him that reminded of Ranger and his Merry Men. And she loved his tattoo.
Stephanie sat in front of the TV till dawn. Some of her elderly neighbors woke up and started moving around. She stood up, stretched and yawned. She would have the talk with Joe tomorrow, she decided. The lock on her door clicked open and the security chain caught the moment she turned off the light and headed toward her bedroom.
"Cupcake? Steph?" Joe's voice sounded a little impatient and uncertain. "Come on, I know you are awake."
She closed her eyes and let out a sigh. How she wished she could run down the fire escape, drive all the way to RangeMan and hide in Ranger's bed with his blanket over her head. But she knew she had to do this on her own. She really had no other choice. "Just a minute." She finally called out, went back to her room and changed. She then pulled her hair into a ponytail and grabbed her shoulder bag. What had to be done must be done. But she would need the help a box of doughnuts and a pot of freshly brewed coffee. She opened the door and gave a small smile to her on-and-off boyfriend.
And it never hurt to have witnesses.
Chapter 7: Truth
Truth
The
coffee and doughnut place was located on a narrow busy street and
opened at 4 a.m.. Stephanie paid for her own breakfast and chose a
corner window table. The coffee was good and strong, and the apple
cinnamon doughnut was worth to die for. The curvy 30-something waitress
smiled at Joe a little too long. Stephanie rolled her eyes as Joe sat
down in front of her with a smug. He surely was a very good-looking and
attractive man. Not many people could resist his charm. Maybe that was
the reason why Stephanie had followed him into his father's garage when
she was 6, and then yielded herself to him 10 years later on a hard bare
floor. Women around the world were helplessly attracted to bad boys.
Even though they realized how deceiving physical beauty could be. She
drank her coffee, put down the mug, and squared her shoulders."Cupcake—" Morelli reached out for her hand and raised his brows as Stephanie drew her hand away.
"Joe," She looked him in the eyes and calmly said. "I need to have my keys back."
He frowned in confusion, his mouth slightly open. She took a quick, deep breath and tried her best not to turn her eyes away. She knew him too well. She had to finish before his shock morphed into anger. "We don't have the same goals. We don't want the same things. I don't love you enough to change for you. And I can't be the mother of your kid. I won't be able to make that much sacrifice." She swallowed and softly added. "I don't want to. I just can't."
Around them people chatted and laughed quietly. The sweet scent of good coffee and fresh doughnuts lingered in the air. Stephanie fished Morelli's keys out of her bag and gently placed them on the table. The lines around his mouth hardened. She didn't know what else to say. She'd seen the slight disgust in his eyes when she'd headed toward the shining black RangeMan SUV in her parking lot. She was really not sure if her decision had anything to do with her feelings for Ranger. But she hoped Joe wouldn't get Ranger into this mess.
"You are not thinking straight." The flatness and blankness in Morelli's voice startled her. He locked his eyes on his keys and didn't bother to look at her. "You have no idea what you need. You have no idea what you want. You want this; you want that. You want to break up; You want to get back together. And you change your mind all the time." He fell silent for a long moment and then stood up. His eyes narrowed. His teeth clenched. He headed toward the door and said over his shoulder. His untouched coffee, doughnuts, and keys remained on the table. "I've got to go to work. We'll talk when you're sober."
"Joe, I mean it. It's over. We are over." Stephanie's clear but shaky voice cut through the noise and everyone and everything stopped. But she paid the gaping faces and stunned silence no heed. "I need my keys back. Please." Joe Morelli froze. Disbelief and frustration radiated off his lean muscled frame. Slowly he turned around to look at her. Suddenly she felt so tired. Maybe she didn't really need her keys. Maybe she could simply change her locks. Maybe she was being selfish. Maybe she really loved him. But apparently she didn't love him enough to feel the need commit herself. To his family. To his life style. To his dreams and wants and needs. To him. And now, right at this moment, somehow she knew Joe could see the truth clearly through her eyes.
They were not meant to be together.
She was deeply in love with someone else, even though that someone else might not want or need or love her.
It was over between them. All over.
Chapter 8: Sadness
Sadness
The
table was now bathed in sunlight. Stephanie felt the warmth and heard
the car horns from outside. It was just another ordinary day in
everybody else's life. She had just made a critical life-changing
decision and backed Joe into a corner. And she felt bad for it. she saw
his irritation. She sensed his frustration. He was like a volcano
waiting to erupt, but he didn't want to make a scene. Not in front of so
many prying eyes and eager ears. He had learned his lessons over the
years. He hadn't had a happy childhood. He always said he'd love to have
children and become a good, caring father. He would be there for them
no matter what, once he'd told her, and he wanted their first child to
be a daughter: a blue-eyed curly-haired little angel. But they both knew
that sometimes words were just words. And he'd never actually gone down
on one knee and proposed to her. Maybe Joe did love her, but deep down
within he still longed for someone who was sweet, cooperating, and
willing to stay home and make their children her career. And now she
knew she could never be that someone.But what a price she had paid. Stephanie looked straight into Morelli's eyes and suddenly felt old and sad. He would never know about their unborn child. He would never be able to hold the child in his arms while it—he-she—grasped his finger. She knew how much he hated being fooled. She'd never meant to hurt him. But she could never tell him the truth. "I'm sorry, Joe. I'm really, really sorry. But this is not going to work." Stephanie finally said. And I have killed our kid to free myself.
Joe Morelli stood there staring at Stephanie, his handsome face dark with suppressed anger. He so wanted to march toward Stephanie, grab her shoulders, and bruise her lips with a long, passionate, punishing kiss. He so wanted to turn around, walk away, and kick Stephanie out of his life. He was so mad that he wanted to laugh. Somehow Stephanie had managed to hurt his pride. She hadn't even said she wanted them to stay friends. She hadn't even said he would always have a special place in her heart. She hadn't even said a part of her would always love him. She just wanted to have her keys back. She just wanted him out of her life. As if the fact that he was her first didn't count. As if what they had between them was nothing and meaningless. A part of him hated her for being so calm. A part of him loved her for being so cold. A part of him just wanted to get the Hell out of here and pray it was all a dream. All of a sudden he had no idea if he truly loved Stephanie. He knew for a fact that he wanted her in his bed. But he was no longer certain of his feelings for her. Love? Lust? Want? Desire? Carelessness? Or loneliness? Was it worth so much effort? Was she worth so much trouble? Was he willing to pay the price? Was he ready to take her rejection as an answer? What should he do when she came crawling back to him next week?
He could hear the whispering around him. He could feel the curious stare on his back. He could see the distance in Stephanie's tired blue eyes. "Fine, Cupcake. Suit yourself." He made his decision and spit out the words. He walked back to the table and dropped her keys. He cast a disgusted look at his keys and turned around to leave. He had a briefing this morning. He'd hoped he could join Stephanie in her bed or shower and have a quickie. He'd just found another gray hair when shaving yesterday. Yeah, the clock was ticking. And when Stephanie let herself in his place the next time, he would put an end to to this nonsense and lay down the rules. It was time to make the necessary changes.
Stephanie rested her head in her hand and tried not to sigh. The 30-something waitress came over with a slightly awkward smile and refilled her mug as the other customers resumed their conversations and looked away. Stephanie reached for Morelli's untouched chocolate and raspberry doughnuts and took a bite. No, she would not cry. The weather was beautiful, the already cold doughnuts were delicious, and her baby was dead. She was shaken up a little but still alive. She would get a box—no, 2 boxes of doughnuts and coffee for Lula and Connie and see if she had any new skips. Life had to go on no matter what. And she would find another way to return Joe's keys.
Chapter 9: Breath
Breath
Stephanie
got in her RangeMan SUV and started the engine. She would head to the
bonds office, drop off the coffee and the doughnuts, and then go home
for a nap. Breaking up with Joe had been as exhausting and draining as
expected. After gazing out of the window thinking nothing for more than
an hour, she didn't have enough energy left for small talk and gossip.
She was a little bit surprised that her mother hadn't called yet, but
she knew it was just a matter of time. Of course her mother would be
upset. But what needed to be done had to be done. And it was her life,
after all. Now she was just grateful Joe hadn't lost his temper and
started the yelling match in front of the gawking crowd. And maybe she
could stop at the carwash on the way home. She wanted to keep this car
as clean and sleek as the rest of Ranger's vehicles. That was the least
she could do to pay back his generosity.Stephanie let out a sigh. She had been trying not to think of Ranger. But now she suddenly thought of the night she'd used the GPS on Ranger's truck to track back to the RangeMan building. She'd felt more than a little disappointed(and maybe a little hurt) when she'd found that Connie had known about it all along. But who was she to complain, really? It was not like she and Ranger had been in a relationship. He didn't do relationship. He didn't do stupid things. She was lucky to have him as a friend. But deep down within she knew she wanted more from him. Yeah, talk about being wistful and unrealistic. She laughed at herself and shook her head. It was a good thing that she knew her own limitations. At the end of the day she would want a wedding ring and a couple kids. She would want to be the heroine who tamed the lone wolf and made him hers. She would want much, much more than Ranger could ever give. And she would force his hand and make him leave her eventually.
She parked the car outside the bonds office and undid her seat belt. The empty feeling in her belly was still there but not as strong. She knew she was healing. She pushed opened the door and smiled at her two friends. Lula saw the bags in her hands, sniffed the air, and cheered. And maybe one day she could walk out of the shadow of her guilt and stop thinking and dreaming about the tiny baby she'd killed.
Maybe.
Chapter 10: Live
Live
Stephanie
went inside her apartment, locked the door, and put the security chain
in place. She dropped her bags of clothes and stuff on the couch and
yawned. It was just a little past noon, but she was already bone-tired.
She washed her face, brushed her teeth, climbed into bed, and closed her
eyes. It felt like the longest day in her life. She and Lula had gone
to Joe's place to get her stuff right after leaving the car wash. She'd
dropped Joe's keys through the letterbox on the door. Bob had been
snoring on the chewed-up couch the whole time. Stephanie had almost
cried when she'd rested her head on the playful orange dog for a long
minute and said goodbye. She knew she would missed Bob terribly. She had
gotten more and more used to Rex's absence. The silence inside her
small apartment was no longer so unbearable. But the gaping hole inside
her chest was still there and the pain was still raw. She hoped Joe
wouldn't come here and bang on her door. She hoped she wouldn't have to
give Dillon a call and ask him to change the locks. She hoped her mother
would not call and make her feel guilty.She had made it a habit to avoid confrontation and any kind of unpleasant situations. She changed the direction of the conversation. She made up excuses and left her mother's dining table. She played dumb or innocent. She told irresponsible, audacious lies. She closed her eyes and covered her ears, and then started singing to block out the outside world. Just because she didn't want to show her imperfection and ugliness. Just because she didn't want to expose her foolishness and weakness. Just because she didn't want people to find out that she was a hopeless failure, a pathetic loser. And then all of a sudden one day she'd woken up to find that shit had hit the fan: she'd been pregnant.
Stephanie wiped away her tears with her sleeve. Calm down. She told herself. Stop thinking. Get some sleep. Joe is not Ranger. He won't get pass the security chain. He will get the message eventually. He's not that stupid. He will realize he's not that into you. You're comfortable. You're familiar. You're safe. But that's it. You're just fun to fool around with. You're never the best candidate to be Mrs. Joseph Morelli. You know it. He knows it. Everyone in Trenton knows it. Even your mom and Grandma Bella know it. Now they just have to learn to be honest. Stephanie let out a small ragged laugh. She felt better already now. She had planned to go get her stuff by herself after things cooled down a bit, but Lula had quickly sensed something from her face/tone/aura(?) and looked at her like a worried mother bear. And thankfully Connie had just narrowed her eyes slightly at the two of them but said nothing. She knew Stephanie and Lula would share the big secret with her sooner or later when the time was right. It's really good to have friends. Breaking up is no big deal, come to think of it. Stephanie smiled and felt herself slowly falling asleep. Maybe she would dream of the crying child again. Maybe this time the babe would finally stop weeping. Maybe she would giggle when Stephanie picked her up and hugged her close to her heart. Maybe she would understand. Maybe she would forgive...forgive her stupid, heartless mom...forgive everything...
Chapter 11: Sigh
Sigh
Stephanie
woke up with a start. She frowned and slowly blinked, feeling dazed. It
was already dark. She could vaguely hear the sound of TV coming from
one of her neighbors' apartments. The scent of cooking blew in through
the window and her mouth felt dry. She had no idea how long she had
slept. She couldn't tell the time. She sat up and yawned. Something had
woken her up, but she wasn't sure what it was. She was still drowsy and
tired. Maybe she should get out of bed and find something to eat. She
also needed to go to the bathroom. But she didn't feel like moving a
limb. Her bed was so warm and cozy. Maybe she should just lie back down
and return to sleep..."Stephanie! Open up!" The familiar annoyed voice came with a loud bang on her steel front door. "We need to talk."
She covered her eyes with a hand and let out a sigh. She knew he had said it through clenched teeth. He was about to run out of patience. She could picture his tightened jaw and balled fists. He was one of those men who still looked attractive when mad. Sometimes she wondered if one day he would finally lose control and slap her. That was something she really didn't want to find out. At least he didn't sound drunk. But still she didn't want to talk. She had said what she had to said. She had done what needed to be done. Now she just wanted him to cool down, go home, and leave her alone. They were over, whether he liked it or not. And a part of her didn't even want to remain friends. It would only be too awkward. They both needed a clean break and move on. Whatever they had had between them was too messed-up and too tangled.
"Steph," Another bang. Only this time it was softer. He was changing strategy. Smart man. "I know you're in there. I just want to talk."
She got out of bed and suddenly thought of the morning when she'd been in bed with Ranger. If only she had let Ranger get his gun and answer the door in his naked glory. If only she had persuaded Ranger to ignore the knocks. If only she had grown out of her childhood fantasy and unhealthy obsession sooner. She turned on the bedside light and put on her pants. If only she had told Ranger she loved him the day she'd gone to him with flowers and a birthday cake. Stephanie closed her eyes and tilted up her head. No. She couldn't turn back the clock. It was too late to regret now.
"Steph? Open the door."
She pulled her hair into a ponytail.
"Cupcake? Please?"
She found her shoes from under the bed and put them on.
"Cupcake?" Another bang. This time louder. "Open up."
She rolled her eyes, took her cell phone out of her shoulder bag, turned it on, winced, and decided to pretend she hadn't seen all the missed calls on the screen.
"Cupcake? Steph?"
Maybe he would finally get the message and understand if they sat down and had a long talk...She'd never meant to hurt him. She'd just...she'd just...
"Stephanie! Open this goddamn door right now or I'll call your mom." Joe had finally snapped. The anger and threat in his voice were too obvious.
Stephanie stared at her dark living room for a long second. She grabbed her shoulder bag, fished out her car keys, and turned off the bedside light.
"Stephanie! I mean it! I'll call your mother!" Oh yes, the famous Italian temper had made its appearance. "Open the door NOW!"
She pushed up the bedroom window. She got out to the fire escape. She went down as quietly and quickly as she could. She opened and then locked her car door. She started the engine. She stepped on the gas. She bit her lower lip. She took out her phone. She hit the speed dial. He answered after the first ring. His calm soft deep familiar voice brought tears to her eyes.
"Ranger," Stephanie tried her best to disguise the tears in her voice. Though she knew she couldn't fool him for half a second. "Can I come over and...stay with you for a while?"
"Babe," What have you done this time? Crazy stalker? Mad FTA? Forgot to pay the utility bills? At least your car is still alive.
She blinked back her tears and smiled a tiny timid smile as she recognize the amusement and silent welcome in that single word. "Thanks." She croaked. She'd never known she could miss or love a person this much. And yes, she knew she was in trouble...
Chapter 12: Soar
Soar
Once
again Stephanie looked into the rear mirror. The familiar dark blue
Ford SUV still wasn't there. She hoped Joe wouldn't make a fool of
himself and cause a scene. Things might become ugly if some of her elder
neighbors got annoyed and called 911. The last thing she needed right
now was another rumour reaching her mother's ear. She'd known Joe would
be pissed. He'd come home from a long exhausting day to find his keys on
the floor and all her stuff gone. She'd basically sneaked out of his
life like a shameless thief. It must have felt like a slap in his face.
She didn't want to think how he would react once he found she had
slipped out of her apartment. But he should've had left her mother out
of this. They were both adults. He knew too well how much she hated to
disappoint her mother. They should and needed to handle their problems
by themselves instead of getting everyone involved.She drove into the underground garage and parked her car beside the sleek shining Porsche Turbo. She was glad she'd visited the carwash. She became a little nervous when the elevator doors slid silently open. She still didn't know what to say to Ranger. He wouldn't need a thorough explanation as long as she wasn't in real danger. She was pretty good at hiding certain things from him, and she kind of resented herself for that. She'd never told Ranger she loved him, and she probably never would. She was too afraid to know his reaction. She was afraid Ranger would tell her she was in love with the wrong man. She was afraid he would say there was no place in his life for her. Her heart would break and shatter if he told her he didn't really need or love her. They couldn't remain friends if things came to that. She would want to run away, change her name, and then live alone and die in regret at some god-forsaken place. She was a woman. She had her pride and a sense of shame.
The bright spacious penthouse apartment was empty. Stephanie smiled as her eyes fell on the tray of food on the dining table. Fried brown rice, sautéed vegetables, and tomato soup. She actually did a happy dance when she found the hot pumpkin pie in the oven and a small bowl of whipped cream in the state of the art refrigerator. She washed her hands and sat down to eat in the serene silence. Ranger had some business to take care of. He wouldn't be back till late in the night. She always loved his bed, his couch, his bathroom and the whole apartment. She was most willing to trade a limb for his TV. And she now knew for a fact that she would still love him even if he lived inside a cave and live on tree barks,twigs, and grass.
Stephanie was already soundly asleep when the silhouette of a tall dark man appeared at the door of the dark bedroom. He stood there watching her for a long minute, listening to her slow even breathing. He wondered what exactly had brought her here. He walked silently to the bed, sat down, and gently traced a finger along her face. She looked a little sad and a little happy. He withdrew his hand when she turned toward him and murmured something in her sleep. He stood up and headed to the shower. It had been a long typical day. He needed to rest and sleep. He knew Stephanie was running away from something. She didn't even have the time to pack an overnight bag. He turned off the water, dried himself, put on his boxers, and got into bed.
Their talk could wait.
Chapter 13: Fall
Fall
Stephanie
woke up and gasped. She almost choked on her tears. The pain was so
real. The hurt was so deep. The dark colorless sky above an abandoned
house with no fence. The soundless yelling of a strange angry man. The
invisible face of a pale unblinking crying child. The empty street. The
flickering lamp. Her remorse. Her guilt. Her regret. Her mistake. He
fear. The despair and stress she'd felt. She let out a ragged breath.
She tried not to sob out loud. Somewhere deep within she knew she'd
already shed too many tears. And she never liked to feel helpless,
fragile, or weak. She slowly sat up. For a brief moment she had no idea
where she was. She heard the faint sound of the running shower. She
smelled the lingering scent of Bulgari in the air. Then she remembered.
She'd run away from her own apartment. Both Dillion and Carl had called
to make sure she'd been alright. One of her neighbors had finally called
the cops. She'd turned off her phone before Joe grabbing the phone out
of Carl's hand. And somehow she hadn't lost her appetite. She'd finished
her dinner and dessert as if nothing had happened. Even though she'd
felt small, upset, teary, and lonely in the bright spacious apartment.She put her hand on Ranger's side of the bed. It was still warm. She wiped away her tears, and lay back down in bed. It was just a little after six. The past two weeks had been worse than a Halloween nightmare. Every night she dreamed sad or unpleasant dreams. Every morning she woke up tired and exhausted. She now had an ugly dark secret to keep. And it was slowly sucking her life and strength away and wearing her down. Lula understood her decision and would not judge her. Maybe Connie would understand, too. But Stephanie did not have the same faith in her own mother, sister and other close friends. She wished she was not Catholic. She felt she had done something wrong and she wished she could stop feeling the guilt. What had been done had been done. There was no turning back. Let go, move on, forget, forgive, and be happy. She knew too well what she needed to do right now. But if only it was that easy.
She didn't hear the water stop or the bathroom door open. She simply sensed Ranger's presence. She turned to look at him and tried to smile and say Hi, but instead she almost cried. She had been missing him terribly. He was so close but so far away. She was a total mess. He was cool, composed, rational, and well-prepared. She had always been his burden and liability. And he had his goals in life and his own dark secrets. She didn't cry. She just felt sad, and too depressed. She had always secretly wanted to be more than his pleasure and entertainment, but most of the time she had been in Morelli's bed. Yeah, talk about being unreal and unrealistic.
"What happened?" Ranger, clad only in his black boxers, turned on the bedside lamp and quietly asked.
Stephanie, clad in Ranger's black t-shirt and a pair of her RangeMan panties, cracked a weak smile at him. He didn't even raise his brow, she suddenly noticed. She wanted to say, "It's complicated". She wanted to simply shrug. She wanted to tell a perfect lie and pretend everything was okay. But the thing was, she was not okay. Sooner or later he would find out about her break up. Sooner or later he would find out about Morelli's wrath. And she would rather die than hear Ranger say, "You will get back together. You always do". She wanted to let him know she had burned down the bridge. She had done something more resolute and destructive than burning down the metaphorical bridge. And she was not proud of what she'd done. She was frightened. She was ashamed. He had married a woman he didn't love to give their child his name. He had never once delayed or missed paying child support. He had let another man become his daughter's loving, caring father. He had willingly paid the price and done the right things. And she had chosen the different path. She had chosen to run away.
Stephanie's breath caught in her throat. She tried to blank back a tear and failed. She turned away form Ranger's eyes. She lowered her head. He would not press her if she chose not to say a word. He would provide her with food, clothing and shelter. He would help her hide from whatever and whoever was chasing her and keep her safe. He was her mentor, her friend, her sometimes lover, and her Batman. And he didn't even know that she loved him, or what kind of woman she really was.
"I got pregnant." She could feel Ranger's eyes on her face. "It was an accident."
She almost smiled at her own bravery as she looked at her hands and helpfully added. "Joe doesn't know."
The silence grew. Her fear became numb. And suddenly she didn't care. Not anymore.
"And I had an abortion."
Chapter 14: Dream
Dream
There,
she had said it. She had finally admitted that she was a hopeless fool
and an irresponsible adult. She had screwed up her life. She had
murdered her child. And she couldn't even come face to face with Joe and
tell him the truth. She'd chosen to climb out of her own bedroom window
and flee like one of her skips. And her problems were still there.
Ranger didn't say a word. The silence dragged on for a long, long
minute. Stephanie kept her eyes on her hands. She'd once thought she
could grow up and have everything she wanted. And the sad truth was that
now she had nothing. Nothing at all. She'd chosen the wrong career
path. She'd married the wrong man. She'd gotten laid off and divorced.
And she'd made another wrong decision the day she'd open her door to
find Joe standing there with her pizza in his hands. She didn't look up
when Ranger sat down on the bed. She wanted to see the look in his eyes
but she didn't dare. Ranger reached out a hand and wiped away a drop of
her tears. His hand was so warm and firm. His voice was quiet and
composed, and nevertheless gentle and soft."You did what you needed to do."
The matter-of-factness in Ranger's voice made Stephanie want to smile. She could hear his unsaid words. She knew she needed to let go and move on and concentrate on the future. She knew she needed to stop being blaming herself. If only she knew how to stop being so obsessed with her guilt. She had been taught too well by her mother and the Catholic nuns. Now she believed Hell did exist. But she was no longer sure if Heaven was real. Maybe she would end up needing a shrink for professional help. But she sure couldn't afford the bill. And she was just not the kind of person who could so easily open up to strangers. "Lie, hide and deny" had always been her favorite motto. She was good at faking orgasms when Joe was too persistent and she was too tired. She was good at cheating unsuspecting people blind. She would do whatever she could to avoid conflicts and confrontation. She had no idea since when telling the truth had eased to be an option. She just didn't want to upset or disappointed people. She just wanted to look smart, cute, and clever. But nothing could ever change the fact that she was an idiot. There was no hiding from the truth that she was flat-out stupid.
Stephanie didn't know where she'd gotten the courage. She sat up in bed and turned to Ranger. She didn't want her life to end like this. She needed to do something right now to tell, to show Ranger something. And she had no idea what that "something" was exactly. She wrapped her arms around him. She rested her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and stopped crying. She felt his arms tightening around her. And for the first time in the past several weeks, she finally felt safe.
Chapter 15: Real
Real
They
ate breakfast in comfortable silence. Ranger almost smiled when
Stephanie reached out a hand and stole another slice of apple from his
plate. She had decided to start eating healthier, but still she'd poured
a generous quantity of organic maple syrup on her buttermilk buckwheat
pancakes. She was glad Ranger hadn't say "Everything is going to be
alright" or anything like that. He'd just held her tight till she'd
calmed down and her silent tears had gone dry. His warmth and existence
had always been like her anchor. He'd been so strong, so real, and yet
so gentle. And for the very first time since they'd met she hadn't
thought of sex while being wrapped in his arms. She'd wanted something
more.They were not exactly in a relationship. They were much, much more than friends with benefits. And now that Stephanie knew she had to make some necessary changes in her life, she suddenly wanted to know how it felt like to grow old together with Ranger. How would it feel like to wake up every morning for the rest of her life beside him? How would it feel like to walk hand in hand down the beach with him? How would it feel like to just stay by his side, doing nothing? She almost sighed as she finished her coffee. Dangerous thoughts. Unstoppable longings. Right now her life was a total mess and she'd started dreaming yet another impossible dream. She had never been an overachiever, but sometimes she was not afraid to dream big. The only problem was, she usually had no idea how to make them come true. And she had spent—or rather wasted—too much time fooling around accomplishing nothing.
And why would someone like Ranger want to spend the rest of his life with someone like her? She wasn't that stupid. She knew he'd been trying to put some space between them. Maybe that was because once again she'd been back with Joe. Maybe that was because he was ready to move on to the next stage of his life. Maybe he just didn't want to waste more time on her. For years her life had been a meaningless farce and a boring cliché. Nothing ever changed. Her unhealthy on-and-off relationship with Morelli. The everlasting power struggle between she and her mother. The non-stop disaster that was called her bounty hunter career.
And now this.
The familiar cold depression crept back into her heart like a venomous serpent. She could stay with Ranger as long as she needed, but she couldn't hide forever. Sooner or later she would have to step outside of the RangeMan building to face Joe and deal with her mother. And the more she thought about her relation with Ranger, the more uncertain she became. She knew she loved him. But would love alone be enough? She looked up as Ranger stood up from the table. She tried not to blink or look away as his eyes fell on her face. She didn't want to seem guilty, worried, or afraid. She stood up and tried to look brave. She prayed and hoped that for once he couldn't read her mind like an open book.
"Get some rest." Ranger pulled her near, kissed her softly on her lips and ruffled her hair. "You're thinking too hard."
She stared at the door for a whole minute after he went down to his 5th-floor office. The touch of his lips lingered in her head. She put the dishes into the dishwasher. She opened the door for Ella, helped her cleaning and tidying up the apartment, and they chatted a little. She sat down on the couch when she was alone and finally took out her phone. She put her phone back into her shoulder bag and turned on the TV. She found a rerun of an old black-and-white movie in which every men was tough and all the women were pretty. Ranger was right. She did need some rest. Maybe it was time to stop thinking. Maybe she should listen to her instincts. Maybe Joe would calm down a bit and finally realize she was right. Maybe her mother would stop nagging at her and find a new hobbit. And maybe she would have the courage to be honest with herself and Ranger when he came up for lunch. She nearly smiled as the tall strong man in the TV screen wrapped the fragile-looking woman in his arms and kissed her.
Maybe.
Chapter 16: Feel
Feel
Stephanie
turned on her cell phone when the movie was over. She needed to check
in with Connie and talk with Lula. Ella had brought her several black
t-shirts, cargo pants, and a few pairs of socks, and she suddenly felt
like buying some new clothes, new shoes, new bras, and new panties. She
also needed some face and hair products. Of course she could go back to
her apartment for her stuff. But going shopping with Lula would be fun,
and she didn't want to risk running into Joe in her parking lot. Maybe
Connie would want to join them; they could go to that new café for
afternoon snack. She'd heard the mixed berries crumble there was worth
to die for, and berries were fruits and fruits were healthy. Besides,
she deserved some happy. She needed some fun. She wanted to listen to
her friends' silly jokes and laugh out loud. She wanted to strolled down
the mall watching people's smiling faces and feel alive. She was
getting tired of crying over her mistakes and mourning for her unborn
child. She wanted and needed to start trying to regroup her life. It
wouldn't be an easy task, she had no doubt about that. But every baby
step would count. She couldn't afford to keep resenting herself.She laid her hand on one of Ranger's black jackets and smiled. According to the weatherman the temperature had dropped overnight. She knew Ranger wouldn't mind her borrowing his hoodie. She always loved wearing his clothes, and she knew he liked to see her in his t-shirt. Stephanie took the stylish hoodie off the rack and was about to try it on when her phone started to ring.
"Don't come in today." Connie said in a calm hushed tone. "Morelli is waiting for you here and he looks really pissed. Call Ranger. Hal has your files."
Stephanie's heart sank at Connie's words. She thanked Connie, told her she was alright and turned off the phone. Anger and frustration swelled up inside her. She so wanted to scream, to shout, to yell and tear at her hair. She had made herself clear. Why couldn't Joe accept her decision and just let go? Why did he have to be such an obstinate jerk? Why couldn't he see they were not right for each other? Why did her friend have to call her from the office bathroom like a secret agent? Why did her life have to be such a mess? She knew she had no one to blame. She knew it was all her fault. But still.
She closed her eyes but didn't cry. She then felt the familiar tickling sensation, opened her eyes, turned around, and saw Ranger. He had two files in his hand. He didn't sat anything. He was not frowning. But he wasn't smiling, either. He just looked at her with his beautiful bright dark brown eyes. And suddenly Stephanie desperately wanted to kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. She took a step closer. She looked straight into his eyes. She took a deep breath and finally said:
"Can you take me shopping?"
Silence fell. And then Ranger smiled. A full on 1000 Watt smile.
"Babe,"
Chapter 17: Deal
Deal
Some
people were discreetly peeking out of the corners of their eyes. Some
people were openly gawking. Stephanie tried to concentrate on her mixed
berries crumble with vanilla ice cream(with real vanilla bean!) and
strawberry bubble tea. She knew she would be lying to herself if she
said she was not worried. She had seen several familiar faces while
shopping for shoes and clothes, and one or two of them might be already
on the phone. She hadn't thought much about what to do if Joe showed up.
The last thing she needed was a confrontation or yelling match. And
right now she could only pray that there wouldn't be a shootout at the
mall.Ranger, as usual, was sitting with his back to the wall facing the door. He had ordered Earl Grey and looked totally calm and nonchalant, but Stephanie knew he was carrying his knife and guns. He always carried his knife and guns. Maybe that was the reason why he'd told her he didn't do relationship. He was doing a stressful, demanding, and dangerous job. He needed to stay focused and alert all the time. And though he was always ready and prepared, nobody could be sure what would happen the very next next second. He might not be able to come back in one piece, and she knew he wouldn't want to leave a teary/pregnant girlfriend/wife and wailing kids behind. Of course, maybe he just didn't want extra burdens; maybe he just didn't believe in marriage; maybe he just liked to be free. After what had happened to Julie, Stephanie knew for a fact that Ranger didn't want his enemies or anyone else to use his loved ones as leverage. But sometimes when she looked into his eyes, she couldn't help thinking that one day he would finally be ready to settle down and start a new family. A smart, beautiful wife, a large lazy black and white cat, and two to three cute, brilliant kids.
Why not? Stephanie took a big bite of the amazingly delicious crumble and tried hard to ignore the sudden lump in her throat. Ranger had served their country. He had helped keep dangerous criminals and vicious villains off the street. He had paid his taxes. He had been a good boss to all the RangeMan employees. He had saved her butt more than a zillion times. He was a good and decent man. He deserved to be happy. He deserved someone who was brave, clever, and honest. He deserved someone better than she was. And she should thank him for being such a good friend and be happy for him. It was the least she could do. She could always cry her heart out after his wedding or the birth of the Bat Baby. Then live and die in loneliness. As the price of the unforgettable crime she'd committed.
Enough gloomy thoughts. Stephanie decided and took a sip of her bubble tea. Time to focus on the task at hand: new lingerie. So far the shopping trip had been smooth and easy and she'd been lucky: she'd found a nice coat, "a couple pretty dresses, a pair of cute but tough-looking boots and a pair of sensible shoes in record time, and the price was reasonable. Who knew? Maybe Ranger also had shopping karma. Stephanie sneaked another glance at Ranger and secretly smiled. She wasn't sure if she would come back with Lula for that Batman cookie jar when things cooled down a bit, though. She liked it but didn't really need it. And she wasn't exactly rich. Great. She had already started thinking like a mature adult. Now if only she had the courage to be more honest with her feelings for Ranger.
She almost sighed when she looked up from her plate and widened her eyes as she found Ranger looking at her intensely. They hadn't talked much since leaving RangeMan but the silence didn't make her feel awkward. Instead it made her feel intimate and safe, and she felt that she could see a deeper layer of Ranger: the comfortable and domestic side of him. But now, at this particular moment, Stephanie simply wished she could read the look in his eyes. She knew he was not going to ask her about Morelli. He probably knew already. Without a word she pushed her crumble and tea toward him. Without a word Ranger picked up the fork and took a bite. He then raised his brow a fraction after tasting the creamy pink tea.
"That stuff is going to kill you, babe." Stephanie said solemnly.
And then for the very first time in a long, long time, she laughed heartily.
Chapter 18: Strength
Strength
They
had dinner at Shorty's. Stephanie was in the mood to try something new,
so they shared a large plate of Italian warm salad and a Chicago style
deep dish pizza. She almost fell out of her chair when Ranger ordered
watermelon gelato for dessert. Shorty's still looked and felt like a
mysterious and exclusive hangout for people with a questionable past and
dark secrets. The light inside was still dim and the people were still
somewhat scary. Though the tablecloth was new and different(clean,
without blood stain) and the waitress was actually smiling pleasantly,
Stephanie still found it utterly strange that a place like this served
deep dish pizza, warm salad, and gelato.Ranger had impeccable table manners. He ate quietly and neatly and smiled his barely there smile as the hot creamy cheese made Stephanie moan. Just like in the café, he looked relaxed and comfortable. Stephanie, on the other hand, felt happy, relaxed and relieved. She had been smiling when they'd left Victoria's Secret with several fancy shopping bags. The three sales ladies and the other shoppers had been gawking at Ranger the whole time. Stephanie knew all the women had been tempted to reach out a hand to touch the tiger, but since none of them had wanted to risk being burned, they had all wisely kept a safe distance from the beautiful dangerous man. The envy and jealousy in their eyes had made Stephanie want to wrap her arm around Ranger and laugh in triumph like a proud evil queen, but the smile on her face had disappeared the moment they'd stepped out of the mall.
She had been half expecting to see a mad Morelli leaning against Ranger's Cayenne with his eyes blazed, his jaw clenched, and his hairy arm crossed. She had been bracing herself for a inevitable unpleasant confrontation/yelling match. But instead a huge wave of relief had washed over her when she'd found no sight of her ex-boyfriend. She was grateful there'd been no need to unveil the ugly truth and exchange hurtful words. She had said all she had to say. She'd tried her best to to keep it plain and simple. She'd done all she could to refrain from saying things unhelpful and harmful. It wasn't her fault that Joe was too stubborn to recognize the fact. He'd known all along they were not exactly a match made in heaven. They fought all the time. They couldn't find a common ground. They kept waiting for each other to make sacrifices. They refused to compromise. They were both selfish and immature. And she'd finally had enough after paying that horrible price.
What could she say to make him listen? What could she say to make him understand? What should she do to make him turn around and walk away without a backward glance? What should she do to make him find someone else and live happily ever after without revealing her painful secret? She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She scooped up a generous amount of gelato and concentrated on the refreshing fruity sweetness. She was not exactly a stupid clueless woman. She would figure out a way. She would know which bridge to cross and which to burn. Sooner or later she would have to move back to her own apartment. Sooner or later she would have to step up and deal with all her problems. Maybe her mother would never understand her decision. Maybe Joe would never forgive her for walking away like this. But this was her life. She was tired of drifting with the flow. She was tired of trying to be like everyone else. She was the one and only Stephanie Plum. She wanted and needed to stop making foolish childish mistakes. She wanted and needed to make something out of her life and herself. She had to stop making excuses. She had to learn to trust her heart and use her brain. But right now she just wanted to enjoy this precious moment. Tonight she just wanted to rest her head on Ranger's chest, listen to the calm regular beating of his heart and fall asleep.
Ranger paid the check and left a generous tip. He then gathered Stephanie in his arm when they walked into the chilly night air. He started the car and turned on the music. Soft elegant classical music flowed in the air as they headed back toward RangeMan. Stephanie couldn't hide the small smile on her face. It had been a long day but she didn't really feel tired. The powerful engine roared. The car sped through the night. She took a look at Ranger, leaned back into the seat and closed her eyes. And someday, maybe someday, she would learn to become a better woman. She would no longer be afraid to chase her dreams. She would no longer be the Queen of Denial. She would become braver, smarter. She would be decisive and determined. She would go for what she truly wanted and needed. And maybe, just maybe, she would finally be worthy of the man she loved, and he would be ready to love her back...
Chapter 19: Dare
Dare
It
started raining in the middle of the night. Ranger opened his eyes as
Stephanie stirred in his arms. She was all soft and warm, and she
smelled of his shower gel. He felt relieved that she wasn't having the
nightmare she'd told him about. He had some paperwork to catch up on
tomorrow morning and she had two skips to catch. They both knew she
couldn't stay in hiding forever. Sooner or later she would have to turn
on her cell phone and face the music. Joe Morelli would still be pissed.
Her mother would still try to keep pressuring her and nag her into
submission. He hoped Stephanie would have enough courage to step up for
herself and fend them off. She always wanted to be strong and tough, but
most of the time she was weak of will and fragile. She always tried to
please everyone and make them happy. And in doing so, she usually gave
in to their wishes and forgot to think of her own happiness. He wanted
her to stop making wrong decisions just because she was afraid and
lonely. He wanted her to be able to stand on her own. He wanted her to
return to the old Stephanie:the determined woman he had met for the
first time in that diner; the independent woman who had outwitted a
bunch of thugs and villains; the brave woman who had helped him save
Julie. And he wished what she had gone through wouldn't leave her
scarred for the rest of her life.Ranger closed his eyes and listened to the rain and Stephanie's even breathing. Once again sleep claimed him. Downstairs on the fifth floor, the night shift RangeMan crew stayed focused on their duties. Inside the parking lot of Stephanie's apartment building, Joe Morelli sat in his car waiting. He was not a fool. He didn't bother to call Stephanie. He knew exactly where she was. He knew as long as he was here, Stephanie wouldn't be back. But he couldn't bring himself to go to RangeMan. He didn't want to make a scene in front of Ranger. He didn't want to give Stephanie the chance to dump him in front of that crazy bastard. He would probably shoot someone if he heard Ranger smiled that annoying smile and called her "Babe". So he chose to come here; to apply silent pressure. Sooner or later Mrs. Plum would intervene. Sooner or later Stephanie would feel guilty and eventually cave in. He had invested too many years in their relationship, he couldn't afford to walk away with nothing. He didn't even know why she wanted to break up with him. He had absolutely no idea why she had become so cold and so distant so suddenly. He was pretty damn sure he hadn't done anything wrong.
He'd been engulfed by anger when he had come home after a long day's work to find his keys in the letter box. He'd been beyond furious upon being told that she'd sneaked out of her apartment via the fire escape. All he wanted was to talk. All he wanted was to ask her why. All he wanted was a peaceful life. But she had to frustrate the Hell out of him and make him a laughing stock. And now he just wanted to grab hold of her shoulders and shake some sense into her too thick skull. Joe Morelli closed his eyes and listened to the rain and his own angry breathing. He had wasted a whole morning waiting for Stephanie. He was bone-tired but couldn't sleep. He had a stressful demanding job and he knew he was good at it. He had no reason to let go. He had no reason to move had his hopes, his dreams, and his fears.
And if only he knew what to do with Stephanie.
Chapter 20: Courage
Courage
She
saw the face of a child. She smiled and bent to pick him up. He smelled
slightly of milk and baby powder. He had wide blue eyes and almost
black curly hair. He was such a beautiful child. He giggled happily in
her arms. And she almost cried. She was happy and sad. She was shattered
and relieved. She had found what she'd been looking for. But something
wasn't right. This was not her child. She knew she should let go but she
didn't want to. She knew she had no claim to this baby but he was so
precious. She knew she would die if he was taken from her arms. But he
was not the child. He was not the one she had lost. He didn't have
melted chocolate eyes. And he didn't cry. He smiled up at her. His face
looked so familiar. He had the same nose. He had the same lips. "Mommy."
Soundlessly he said. "Mommy." Oh God, he looked so cute, so happy...Stephanie woke up in warm darkness. She heard the sound of the rain. She blinked slowly and let out a breath. She could still sense the sad smile on her face as she tried to remember her dream. She was glad she wasn't crying. She snuggled closer to the warm muscular body next to her and felt safe and cozy. Sometimes she wished she could just erase everything and start anew. She would be smarter. She wouldn't make so many stupid painful mistakes. She would spare herself from humiliation and unpleasant memories. She would be better. She would be stronger. She would be closer to perfect. She wouldn't have to try to explain her life to her mother. She wouldn't need to figure out what to say to Joe Morelli. She would be happier. She would be free.
She tried to stifle a yawn. She didn't want to wake Ranger. She didn't want to become his burden and drag him down. She had two skips to catch, groceries to buy, and rent to pay. He had his own life to live and she wished she could be a part of it. But she also realized you couldn't always get what you wanted. She silently sighed and closed her eyes. She thought of her dream and wondered if it meant something. She recalled the beautiful child's face and remembered the other faceless baby. Her baby. Her dead child. Somehow she managed to push her guilt aside. She had to get her life back on track. She had to focus on "now". She needed to trun her cell phone back on. She needed to call around and ask about her skips. Lula wanted to watch Twilight and Skyfall; they should invite Connie along and had a girls' night out. Maybe they could go to Shorty's for dinner or try the new Thai place. Maybe she should just give up instead of trying to make her mother understand. Maybe she could think of a most effective break up line and deliver it as the knockout punch. Maybe she could play matchmaker and find the perfect woman for Joe. A nurse. A librarian. An elementary school teacher. A pretty woman with a curvy figure and a great smile. A fun and lovely person who wanted to marry a cop and become the mother of six kids.
Or maybe she should just look Joe in the eyes and tell him she'd killed the baby because she didn't want to be the mother of his child. She didn't want to give up a part of her life and make the necessary sacrifice. She didn't want to change. She didn't want to adjust. She never liked his family and she didn't love him that much. And she was in love with someone else. Yeah, right. Stephanie snorted at herself. Maybe he won't get mad and shoot you on the spot. Honesty is the best policy my ass. She startled and opened her eyes as Ranger tightened his arm around her and started to laugh. She tried to narrow her eyes at him but failed. Soon she began to laugh. She knew she'd whispered the words out loud. She didn't know when her hands had travelled to his bare chest. She didn't know when her lips had leaned in and found his. She didn't know when she had closed her eyes. She didn't know when she had let her instinct, her need, and her love for him take over. She didn't know when she had whispered "I love you" in his ear. She didn't know when her tears had started to flow.
She did know she loved him. And that was all she needed right now.
Chapter 21: Calm
Calm
Stephanie
opened the door and stepped in. It was a little after nine. Her mother
was sitting at the dining table sipping a cup of tea. Stephanie pulled
out a chair and sat down. She hoped she wasn't blushing. She tried to
act normal. She could still feel Ranger's touch against her skin. She
remembered how he'd kissed away her tears and how she'd woken up in his
arms not two hours ago. He was magic. He had been very gentle. Her whole
being felt soft and warm, as if all her invisible wounds were suddenly
healed. She reached for a cookie and poured herself a cup of tea. There
was no running away from this conversation. What had to come had to
come. And maybe this time they could finally reach a mutual
understanding.The house was quiet and felt empty. Helen didn't look angry or worried. She wasn't upset, either. Her face was calm and almost emotionless, just like the message she'd left on Stephanie's cell phone. "Stephanie, this is your mother. I need to talk to you." Helen had simply said in a flat expressionless tone. Silence dragged on for a minute. Helen finished her rose and lavender tea, put down the ivory china cup, and looked at her daughter. There was something in her pale blue eyes that made Stephanie start feeling nervous.
"What do you want for your life, Stephanie? Do you have any plan at all?"
Helen's voice was soft but stern. Today she was determined to find the answers. She wanted to solve the problems once and for all. She was tired of Stephanie's unusual lifestyle and careless behaviour. She wanted Stephanie to stop being the favorite topic of the town gossip and rumours. She wanted Stephanie to settle down, stay away from danger, and try to have a happy normal life like everyone else. She didn't want to lose sleep over her younger daughter's safety and happiness any more. She was too old and too tired for that now.
"You are giving me ulcers, Stephanie. You are a single divorced woman. You are not young any more. You will be forty in a few more years. You can't be a bounty hunter forever. You have been beaten, kidnapped, and almost killed. You don't have a house. You don't have a decent car. You have no money in the bank. You have no goals. You have a college diploma, but you refuse to find a steady better job that provides better health insurance. You have this strange relationship with Joseph. You move in with him. You break up with him. You go back together. You break up again. He keeps saying he wants to marry you but so far no one has seen a ring. You keep saying Ranger is just a friend and your relationship is pure business, but every time you have a problem with Joseph, every time you are in danger, you run to Ranger. And your grandmother told me you sleep in his bed. You can't keep on living like this, Stephanie. What if Joseph loses patience and finds someone else? What if Ranger doesn't want to get serious with you? What are you going to do? You don't have anyone to lean on. You can't stand on your own. Your sister and your friends have their own lives and problems. And your father and I can't take care of you forever. Someday we are going to die. Who's going to take you in and make you meals when we are gone? Have you ever thought about your future, Stephanie? I can't live forever. I won't be there to run over the bad guy and save you the next time someone wants to kill you. You will be all alone. You will be on your own."
Helen felt sad and tired. She didn't cry. She didn't sigh. She just looked into her daughter's eyes and said what was on her mind. Sometimes she would wake up in the middle of the night and think of Stephanie's messed-up life. She couldn't go back to sleep afterward no matter how hard she tried. She wanted to stop worrying about Stephanie. She wanted to tell herself everything would turn out alright. She wanted to pretend she didn't see the faint burn mark on Stephanie's arm all the time. She wanted to forget the fear she'd seen in her elder daughter's eyes the day that mad mobster had abducted Valerie to get to Stephanie. All she wanted was a safe and peaceful life. She totally deserved that. She was so frustrated and scared that she wanted to tear at her hair and scream at the top of her lungs. And now as Helen saw the stunned and hurt look on Stephanie's face, she suddenly realized that venting out her fears and worries hadn't helped her feel better. She felt like a terrible mother, as a matter of fact. She had showed her vulnerability and frightened her wide-eyed child. She hadn't found any answer but still got too many questions.
And what was her point exactly? Marriage is a heaven? Snare a man, bear him children and you will be happy? Be like everyone else and your problems will turn around and go away quietly? Really? How come she had a feeling that she might have been happier if she had accepted the job offer and moved to San Francisco instead of staying here and marrying Frank? Helen closed her eyes, exhaled a long breath, and then took a whole minute to regroup and collect herself.
"What I was trying to say is: it's time to think carefully and make a decision, Stephanie. You need to make some changes. You need to stop wasting your life. You have to take your life seriously. Draw a line between you and Ranger if you want a future with Joseph. Break up cleanly with Joseph if you don't want to marry him. Find another job and start saving money for your future. Try to get better at your job and make more money if you want to keep on being a bounty hunter. Just...do something. Don't climb out of your bedroom window and run away like a thief. This is your life, not a circus or Jersey Shore. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"
Stephanie felt her face burning. She pulled her suddenly teary eyes away from her mother and tried not to weep. Yes, she felt ashamed. Yes, she felt like a failure. Yes, she knew she was a disappointment. Yes, her mother's words stabbed at her heart and hurt like Hell; but what she'd said was true. She hadn't expected this from her mother. She'd braced herself for the usual complaining and nagging. She'd thought she'd had to turn a deaf ear to the never-ending "quit your job, settle down, marry Joseph, and pop out little Morellis". She blinked away her tears. She stifled a sob. Slowly she nodded her head. She couldn't bring herself to look at her mother. And she finally burst out in tears and threw herself into her mother's arms as Helen said a little awkwardly:
"I made a pineapple upside-down cake and some cookies. Share them with Lula and Connie. Don't eat them all by yourself. And don't forget to thank Ranger for taking you in—"
Helen Plum let her own tears drop as she wrapped her daughter in her arms and patted her on the was tough being a mother, wife, and daughter at the same time. Sometimes she hoped she could a better job. But she didn't regret any minute of it. And she wouldn't trade it for anything.
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